Geneology

The proudest moment in any Civil War reenactor's life is the day he discovers that General Robert E. Lee is his 18th cousin on his Mom's side of the family. This means absolutely dick to everyone else.

Just The Facts

  1. Hisorically Genealogy was used to determine lineage of nobles for the purpose of keeping land and titles in the family. With serf wenches looking so saucy there were often several kids, i.e. bastards waiting in line for a free ride.
  2. The Mormons maintain the most extensive library of Genealogy for those of us living in the U.S. Why? That's like asking why Brigham Young would think Utah is the promised land.
  3. Researching you family tree beyond your grandparents, who you've met (great grandparents if your from the South), might be the second most time consuming waste of your life. Right behind watching the Monday night lineup on CBS.

The Upside of Genealogy

Genealogy prevents lobster children. The Mormons have the aformentioned library to prevent lobster children, and they have a lot of time on their hands due to their no stimulants and alcohol policies. But mostly it's the lobster children. They have to monitor their family trees because when you have fifteen kids you tend to forget shit, so you had better write it down. That's why the Mormons aren't a bunch of inbred retards, Joseph Smith kept a list. You don't want your grandkids fucking eack other, and it's hard when you've got 300 of them, and no alcohol.

Utah could be overrun with these, and not a single bottle of cheap vodka to make a Molotov with.

The Downside

Your famous, dead ancestors possibly care more about your connection than your friends and relatives do. And they're also related to said famous historical figure. If Robert E. Lee were alive due to some freak Quantum Leap accident or because he's a zombie it's doubtfull that he's hunched over in the corner of the library looking through the records for you. He's not going to come down to the Kinko's and shoot some bull with you, and you know he has every reason to be there. Printing out detailed battlefield maps on an InkJet at home is going to run through a lot of toner and reams of paper so why wouldn't he take advantage and see if you can 'hook a brotha up'. But he knows you're just going to drag him out for drinks later and bore him to death with how similar you both are. "Robert, you and I have so much in common. I mean... I have great leadership skills too. They're thinking about making me night manager."

Look at how uncomfortable he looks.

All I'm saying is that you should care about the famous as much as they care about you.

Making Genealogy Work For You Through Genetic Manipulation

I'm not going into the science of it but lets just say you have big feet or brown hair because your dad had the same attribute. Therefore it might be reasonable to say that Ron Jeremy looks like a furry woodland creature with a horse cock because his dad looked the same way. If you can get a hold of the Jeremy family tree and procreate with his sister or niece then you might get that huge dick gene in your family tree. Then again you might get the gene that makes your kids look like Sonic the hedgehog. If you have a son or grandson who happened to be on the lucky end of the DNA lottery you could be just 18 short years away from cheering him on like Tiger Woods' dad while chowing down on day old bagels with the fluffers on the set of Debbie Does Dallas 1,000. It's just a small leap in logic and morals from there and you could be looking at getting pornstar throw away trim in your 50's,60's, and 70's when you don't give a fuck about either pleasing a woman or the probability of VD.

And you don't even have to be rich.