The Solar System

The solar system is a giant spinny death machine, propelling our planet through space at however many miles per second (maybe something like 43?). If this doesn't frighten you, it seriously should.

The most scientifically accurate diagram you're ever likely to see.

Just The Facts

  1. The solar system is, like, ridiculously huge.
  2. But mind-blowingly tiny compared to the rest of the universe.
  3. Do you feel insignificant yet? I know I do.
  4. I mean seriously. We're just miniscule specks in a vast, vast ocean. Nothing we achieve will ever amount to anything even remotely significant.
  5. I'ma write up this article real quick. If you need me later I'll be hanging by my neck in the basement.

How The Solar System Works

Well there are these things, and they're pretty huge. They're called planets, right? There's about eight of them in our solar system. There used to be nine, but scientists demoted Pluto from being a planet to a mere 'dwarf' planet in 2006. What the hell, science? Pluto was just sitting out there, minding its own business, being ball-numbingly cold and you demote it just like that? It may not be a legit planet, but it could kick your ass, science. Anyway, basically these planets revolve around what I like to call the 'super massive orb of fire and death rays'. Otherwise known as the sun. Why do we revolve around the sun, do you ask? Like some kind of sick, twisted merry go round? It's simple, really:

See? It all makes perfect sense.

Einstein's got it all figured out, you don't have to think about anything. Or was it Newton who discovered gravity? Whatever, doesn't matter. That shit's boring anyway. You know what isn't boring? Our motherfucking solar system. I'm going to prove that to you by listing the eight planets in the solar system, and telling you everything I (not to mention Wikipedia) know about each one.

Mercury

Working our way outwards from the death orb, we first come to the relatively small planet of Mercury. It's basically a rockier, way sunnier version of Earth, only with less douchebags. Apparently the average surface temperature is 442 degrees Kelvin. I don't know how Kelvin translates into celsius or fahrenheit, all I know is that you would definitely die if you went on a holiday to Mercury. You'd be dead pretty fucking fast, and you know what? You would deserve it. I mean Mercury? Seriously? Why the hell would you wanna go there? Try Spain next time.

Spain; better than Mercury in pretty much every imaginable way.

Did you know that NASA have attempted three seperate manned missions to Mercury? And that each time, the shuttle got about halfway there before the astronauts simply decided 'fuck this shit' and turned themselves back around? Well you probably didn't know that, because I made it up. But it could still be true...so...so yeah. You remember that,

Venus

Now if you thought Mercury sounded like an asshole of a planet, wait til you hear about Venus. On first inspection it seems normal enough; it's similar in size to Earth, similar in gravity and it looks all milky, sorta like a white chocolate lindt ball, right? I would almost call it sexy.

Holy shit Venus, I could totally fuck you.

Well yes, you're correct in saying that. It actually does look delicious (and strangely fuckable). But you're also a retard, because the reason Venus looks like that is a direct result of the opaque clouds of sulfuric acid constantly swirling around in the atmosphere. There's basically a layer of the shit. You wanna go sticking your dick in there? You wanna pretend you have what it takes to fuck a planet? Go right ahead, seriously. Your penis being swallowed, burnt-up and ripped off by a celestial body is exactly the type of entertainment I'm in the mood for.

Earth

The third rock from the sun is Earth. And you know what else it is? A hilarious sitcom starring John Lithgow. Now I'm guessing most of you know quite a bit about Earth, considering we all live here. And while it's a fairly interesting planet to write about, it's no Saturn or Uranus. I could try to come up with a few clever jokes about why this planet is so - I dunno - cool? Or whatever? Yeah I guess I could do that. But instead I think I'll discuss that awesome TV show I mentioned up there.

There's no joke here. 3rd Rock is a genuinely amazing TV show.

It's funny because they're aliens, pretending to be humans. So they get into all these crazy situations and misunderstandings, which always revolve around the fact that they can't comprehend basic human behaviour. But behind all the yelling and hilarious one-liners it actually has a deep, hidden meaning; that even though you're an alien pretending to be a human to study their society and customs, it's still okay to be yourself. Too many people in this day and age forget that simple fact.

Newman from Seinfeld is also in it, and it's probably his last actual funny role before he got skinny (and lost every ounce of comedy potential he ever had). And yeah, William Shatner makes a guest appearance in a few episodes as their alien leader, The Big Giant Head. You should like, buy this TV show on DVD or something. It's underrated as shit. Now, where was I again?

Mars

Oh right, the Solar System. The fourth planet, Mars, is pretty much the only planet we could legitimately send humans to at some stage in the not-too-distant future. Of course the question is, why in the hell would we do something so utterly pointless? The whole planet is basically a giant, lifeless, barren landscape with little to no nightclubs whatsoever. The only beer they serve is an obscure homebrew from Uzbekistan, and the only girl you could hope to chat up is that green rock-witch lady.

She's a horrible lay. Trust me.

Why would we send anybody to Mars? To bore them to death?

"Day Seventy Four on the surface of Mars. This morning Mike found a rock. It was pretty cool."

Some people believe there used to be civilisations which lived on Mars, and that millions of years ago it might have been a planet similar to Earth. With water, trees, animals, the internet, assholes who post on the internet, hot girls and maybe even their own version of porn. I hear Martians favoured ear-sex a great deal, which sounds incredibly awesome. And hey, they found some frozen water (otherwise known as ice) on Mars not long ago, so maybe this theory is true. Maybe we aren't (or weren't) alone in the Universe. It would explain that mountain that looks kinda like a face when it's photographed top-down and the shadows are just right. Oh wait. That face-mountain turned out to be bullshit, didn't it?

Well whatever. Mission to Mars said there were aliens on Mars, and that movie had Lieutenant Dan in it. There's no way he would lie to me. Not Lieutenant Dan.

Jupiter

Jupiter is the first of the 'gas giants' in our Solar System.

Now what exactly is a gas giant, you might be asking? Well I'm not exactly sure, so I'm just gonna make up the rest of these facts:

1) Jupiter is about three or four times bigger than the sun. Which makes it, in technical terms, "pretty fucking big". In fact, let's just say Jupiter is the sun. That's how much bigger it is than you and anything you hope to achieve.

2) Jupiter is the colour of chocolate. Therefore, Jupiter tastes like chocolate. Try proving me wrong.

3) There's a storm that's been raging on the surface of Jupiter for the past few centuries, and it's about the same size as Earth. A storm the same size as Earth. Now that fact I didn't even have to make up, and you're still impressed.

4) Contrary to popular belief, Jupiter is actually a really nice guy. One time he lent me three dollars fifty for the bus home.

Saturn

Saturn, with its awesome-looking rings, is by far the coolest planet in our solar system. What do these strange rings consist of? Scientists say 'mostly water ice, with rocky particles and ice coating'. But what do I say? Well...I probably agree with the scientists. I mean they're scientists. I'm some guy making stupid jokes on the internet. I was going to lie to you and say that Saturn is just really good at hula hoops or some shit.

Saturn, if it was a dude.

But no, in this case science's verdict is correct. The rings are just ice and rock. In terms of the actual planet, Saturn has the least density of any planet in our solar system. What ramifications this fact holds is anybody's guess; does this make Saturn the thinnest planet? Is Saturn our solar system's equivalent of The Biggest Loser? Or is density not equal to weight? In which case what the fuck does density equal? Or are we talking about the less scientific definition of somebody's 'density' being proportionate to how idiotic they are? By Saturn being the 'least dense', does this make it the solar system's smartest planet? Like a much bigger, less disabled, hula-hooping Stephen Hawking? I mean what the hell. It's times like this I wish I didn't drop Physics in high school.

Uranus

Uranus. The planet you've all been waiting for. Now if I was lazy, I'd just write these things about Uranus:

1) "Your Anus. Get it? Your Anus? As in, your butthole?"

2) "It is my life's mission to travel to Uranus. And I will venture inside Uranus. And Uranus will quiver beneath my feet as I step down. Into your anu...I mean uh, Uranus."

3) Or I'd just post this picture:

Do you understand the joke?

But personally I'd like to think I'm above this kind of humour. So instead I'll just say that Uranus is a um...well...it's another gas giant. Hah. I think it might be cold. Scientists say that uh...that Uranus...your uh... your bumhole. Your bumhole. Ass to mouth. Anus. Butt joke.

Neptune

Neptune is the worst planet in the solar system. I just personally find it too blue for my liking. I won't even post a picture so you guys can check it out; just take my word for it. It's too fucking blue. And I'm sure there's nothing interesting going on with Neptune. All these other planets have something cool about them (Mars has the possibility of life, Jupiter is just huge, Saturn has the rings) but what about Neptune? There's nothing. Trust me. The only moderately interesting thing I can even think to write about is Neptune, as in, the God of the Sea Neptune:

Neptune; way cooler than the planet Neptune.

I mean check that shit out. He's got a trident.

In Conclusion

There are eight planets in our solar system. Some are interesting, others are terrifying, while a select few are boring as shit. But you know what? None of this even matters, because none of you reading this will ever visit any of these planets. Sure, we'll probably get to Mars some time soonish, but not you. Some unfortunate astronauts probably, but not you in particular. You're gonna spend the rest of your life on this sorry planet. We all will! As much as I'd love to wade through the rings of Saturn, or visit the pyramids on Mars, that will never happen.

Depressing, right? I know, I know. But I'm not God so don't fucking blame me.