The Neverending Story

Because a long time ago, fantasy movies were shot without CGI. Suck it, Peter Jackson.

Frodo has no balls.

Frodo saw a gay porno once. He didn't know until about halfway through, but watched the rest of it, anyway.

We like to think that we're making a better tomorrow, today.

Just The Facts

  1. At the time of its release, 1984, it was the most expensive movie ever produced outside of the U.S. or the U.S.S.R.
  2. Based on the novel by Michael Ende. German.
  3. Ah Germans, just can't stay mad at 'em.

The characters explained...

They don't exactly fit together as neatly and nicely as an Aesop's fable, but they look more real than Saruman's Uruk-hai at the Battle of Helm's Deep. Oh yeah, did we mention that Falkor loves children? Like... really loves them? Is it still considered beastiality if the beast, like, talks and wants to cuddle afterwards?

In so many words...

You probably watched this movie as a kid, then wondered why your dog sucked so badly at flying. The plot centers around a boy named Bastian who ends up reading a book called The Neverending Story after hiding out from some bullies in a library on his way to school. When he does finally get to school, he finds out he's late for a math test. Uncouth, Bastian.

Instead of walking back home, sitting on the couch and watching cartoons like a normal truant, he decides to hide out in the school's dark, creepy, wooden attic and read the book. The book is about a magical land called Fantasia that's in danger of being destroyed by the Nothing.
The people of Fantasia, led by Cairon, decide to summon a warrior from the Plains People named Atreyu to find a cure for the ailing empress, stop the Nothing, and save everybody from being incinerated, or vaporized, or sodomized, or whatever the hell the Nothing does that has everybody in a hissy-fit.
They proceed to send him and his trusty horse, Artax, on their merry way without even so much as hint as to how they might accomplish this, except telling him that he must go alone. No compass, gadget-wielding sidekick, map of "potential Nothing hideouts", or even a list of "things we think might be able to kill the Nothing" for their trouble. Somewhere, an underpants gnome is explaining this as "Phase 1: Call Atreyu. Phase 2: ?. Phase 3: Profit."