Lost

Lost used to be about an island and some people and a monster and stuff. Now, no one can agree what it's about, except everyone is certain that ALL YOUR THEORIES ARE TOTALLY WRONG.

Choose Your Own Lost Adventure: Slightly less complicated than Lost.

A Typical 5-Act Episode of Lost (Hi-Def Version)

Just The Facts

  1. Because Lost constantly changes the rules of the show, THERE ARE NO FACTS. Except three:
  2. Lost is an ABC TV show created by J.J. Abrams who is best known as the screenwriter for the Joe Pesci / Danny Glover vehicle Gone Fishin'.
  3. The character of Jack (a.k.a. Mr. Perfect) was originally intended to die in the first episode. Had this happened, history as we know is would be drastically different. For one, the actor Matthew Fox would not have been tapped to play Racer X in the Speed Racer movie, which is unthinkably horrific.
  4. According to the creators of Lost and the heads of ABC, there are only 16 episodes of Lost left. But they lie. We should probably have just said there were only two facts.

If You Watch Lost, You're Probably Doing it Wrong

And you're stupid. This fact has been well-documented by the nation's leading journalistic publications (Why You're Stupid: Lost: An Incoherent Mess)


Lost viewers generally fit into three categories: Beginner viewers; Casual viewers; and Obsessives.

If You're a Beginner, You Kinda Suck

First of all, if you're a beginner, you probably started watching Season One to try and catch up. Already, you're an idiot.

Don't watch any of Season One.

In fact, don't watch a single actual minute of Lost. If you've never heard of the crash of Flight 815, you probably have a better idea of what's going on on Lost than anyone. If it is revealed that this crash, in fact, never happened, you will have been the only one to have known it all along.

The point is, you will never make any sense of Lost. Nobody will. (5 Questions The Lost Writers Need to Answer (And Why They Won't))

All you need to know is that, like all good television shows, Lost began with a massive plane crash, a man getting sucked into a jet engine and a jet engine exploding after sucking a man into its blades. Or maybe it didn't and that was all a creation of a magic smoke beast. Or maybe it did and then we'll all go back in time and change things so it didn't. See what you're missing? Complete assfuckery.

If you still wish to venture on and get "into Lost," you should be aware that there are two primary methods through which fans enjoy the show. Again, neither of these ways actually involves watching the show. To enjoy the first method, study this sideboob.

Kate sideboob

Take your time. Now, which of these actors can you most easily picture fondling that boob?

Cast of Lost

You can even choose Kate to fondle herself. Lost is freaky like that. Got your answer? Okay, now argue your point with the passion and coherency of a pack of barking wolves. Find people who disagree with you, then undercut their right to exist.

If that's a little too sophisticated for you, you can always enjoy the alternate method of enjoying Lost. Again, don't watch a single episode. Simply choose something you are disgustingly obsessed about, then relate it to Lost using only the tertiary facts you've overheard at the office. It doesn't matter what you're obsessed about, just use it to explain Lost. It could be the copious works of Robert Palmer or random facts about Gerald Ford. Just pick a rant already, the world needs metaphor.

Casual Viewers: Put It in All the Way

The only difference between casual viewers and obsessive viewers is that casual viewers bitch too much. We're not going to cup your balls just because of some stupid inconsistency, like the fact that Hurley doesn't lose weight or that Ben's wound keeps moving or that scribbles in a notebook form the entire source for Ms. Hawking's knowledge of the predicted behavior of quantum mechanical particles. Again, stupid shit. It's dumb, shut up, we get it (If the Characters on Lost told the truth.)

Casual viewers have usually watched a few episodes. They probably have a theory or two, albeit a moronic one. The point is, casual viewers are sort-of caught up to the storyline and wish to watch a new episode. If this is you, then there is a handy formula you can use to figure out when the next episode of Lost will debut:

Today's Month + 10 more months = Lost's next new episode date.

Please note that in the U.K. and Australia, you need to add 14 months.

In addition, you'll want to have this handy timeline to show exactly "when" each character is:

scribbles

- The blue line represents where Sawyer and Juliet jumped through time to like sixty different places searching for botox injections.

- The discontinuous purple line represents jumparound Desmond. Part of it looks like a dong b/c he was naked when he returned from time-jumping. This is critical to resolving the mysteries of Lost and J.J. Abrams' sexuality.

- The thing that looks like a giant mouse represents the smoke monster, who exists during all timeframes.

SPOILER ALERT: If you do not wish to be spoiled, do not read the above!

Obsessive Viewers Need to Shoot Themselves, Repeatedly

If you've actually taken the time to watch all 100 episodes and read all of the useful forum threads, then you obviously know that it's all about Apep, and and there's no longer a point to your pathetic existence.

Taking the next logical step, Jack can only be Roland from Stephen King's Dark Tower series, forever doomed to repeat his past. It's so obvious, the producers have come right out and said it (Source: Some podcast, somewhere.)

The remaining piece is easily filled in when you consider that the show's premise revolves around the stoney computer game, Myst. Jacob undoubtedly represents that jolly asshole Achenar.

So there you have it- a bunch of completely disconnected theories. That's what you have to work with. But, hey, it's to be expected. It's not as if someone has a theory that, like, connects the mysteries of Jacob, the Man in Black, smoke monsters, hallucinations, and the purposes of the Losties.

In fact, because fans have solved the mysteries of Lost one season too soon, creator Damon Lindelof has announced he will solve the problem by detonating a hydrogen bomb at his Lost presentation at Comic Con 2009.

Here There Be Spoilers (Season Synopses, Characters and Jack is a Centaur)

Season Synopses

Season 1 - In which lots of people watch nothing happen.

People and planes exploded, characters were threated by polar bears, trees were knocked over by a mysterious force in the jungle, Lock found a hatch, Sayid got raped by a French woman, Arzt exploded, children were kidnapped, and yet only a handful of these things ever mattered in the long run.

Season 1 Highlights:

Arzt Exploding:

Locke...doing this:

Season 1 Characters:

From Left to Right: Sawyer, Locke, Rose, Jin, Sun, Sayid, Charlie, Walt, Michael, Jack, Kate, Hurley (Hugo), Shannon, Claire, Boone.

Sawyer is pure gut and gristle, a good looking rebel with daddy issues.

Locke is a mysterious ex-cripple who makes everyone feel really uncomfortable, but he's got knives. And daddy issues.

Rose dispenses matronly advise and comfort as only African American women can.

Jin is Korean and doesn't want Michael boning his wife Sun.

Sun is Korean and would rather not get boned by Michael, possibly because of her daddy issues.

Sayid tortures people and is middle eastern. He's also impossibly cool, we want to be Sayid.

Charlie likes him some Heroin and some Claire, in his perfect world the two would be combined somehow.

Walt is psychic maybe, or maybe he's just a bit of a brat. Either way, we don't have to see much of him after this season... again, because of the daddy issues.

Michael doesn't want Locke boning his son.

Jack is a centaur. With centaur daddy issues

Kate was a criminal and she doesn't look half bad in a two-piece. Both Jack and Sawyer want to bone her. Her dad is so amazing, she killed him.

Hurley (Hugo) is rotund and good natured, he is the lovable comic relief and is either despised or adored by Lost fans, there is no middle ground. His dad, Cheech, was never there, so no daddy issues, here!

Shannon dies. Also Sayid bones her.

Claire is pregnant, Australian and Charlie wants to bone her and heroin at the same time.

Boone dies, no one wants to bone him.

Additional Season 1 Characters:

Rousseau is a lonely French woman that ties Sayid to electrified bed springs, sexiness ensues.

Arzt explodes

Ethan is an other pretending to be one of the survivors, he is possible superhumanly strong.

Season 2, in which even more people watched and even fewer things happened.

Fewer things explode, the main characters get into the hatch and stay there for the rest of the season, most of the suspence is derived from whether people should push buttons or not, several new characters are introduced and promptly killed, Michael is an asshole, and Benjamin Linus is introduced and fucks everyone's shit up.

Season 2 Highlights:

Our theory? The foot is God's and the island is the Earth's ass.

eko & smokey

Eko exhales the biggest bongload in history.

Hot evangeline lilly

Err... wait, maybe this scene was from Season One.

failsafe key

Not surprisingly, Desmond refers to his dong as "The Octagon."

Season 3, in which absolutely nothing happened, and then a bunch of stuff happened.

Wanting to stretch the show out infinitely, the writers cooked up an incredibly far-fetched plot where Kate, Sawyer, and Jack get locked in cages and are forced to break rocks. It turns out that they were on another island, and that this is supposed to be shocking. Jack, Locke, Kate, Sawyer, Juliet, and Sayid made many needless trips back and forth between camp Lostie and camp Otherton because they, like us, were totally bored. In the last scene it was revealed that Jack and Kate get off of the island, sometime in the future, and Jack's doing great!

Season 3 Highlights:

Nikki

"Hey, is that the craft services table? Oh, wait... I'm supposed to be acting right now, huh?

Smokey and eko part 2

Air pollution kills thousands of people every year.

richard alpert

To stay young, the never-aging Richard Alpert spends a fortune on Just For Men.

Sonic fence bleedout

Try our new Sonic Ear-Cleaning Fence!

Season 4, in which we SAW THE FUTURE... and really nothing happened.

The opening episode of this strike-shortened season revealed a few notable images, which add up to a big solution to a mystery of Lost. Namely, the writers LOVE offensive Mexican stereotypes:

Pile of Fruit from Season 4 Intro

A pile of freshly picked fruit.

Camaro

Muscle Car

police chase hurley

Mexican running from police.

Season 4 was all about new revelations. Since we've already solved practically EVERY mystery of the island and the flight 815 survivors, five new nutjobs were introduced to the island, coming from a mysterious freighter:

Daniel Faraday - This stuttering, swiss-cheese-minded rocket scientist. Of all the people who have been suspected of wanting to genocide the island, he's easily the cuddliest.

Charlotte Staples Lewis - Charlotte's most interesting plot point came outside of the show. The producers explained an inconsistency in Charlotte's age as the result of actress Rebecca Mader's insistence upon playing a younger character. A shitstorm ensued.

Miles Straum - Miles can talk to the freaking DEAD. On an island filled with long-dead mysteries, all he has to do is put his ear to the ground, and he can probably figure out what the smoke monster is. But instead of doing anything useful like that, he spends most of his time being a complete smart-ass.

Frank Lapidus - Frank was originally scheduled to be the pilot of 815. He could probably beat Christian Shephard in a drinking contest then successfully land a Southwest Airlines Jumbo Jet.

Naomi Dorrit - In charge of escorting the above noobs to the island, Naomi got shanked by Locke, talked backwards to Miles, then bled out all over the freshly-mopped jungle floor.

Fun Fact: In the first episode of Season 4, Hurley sees Christian in Jacob's cabin. The script originally called for Hurley to peek into Jacob's cabin and see... Hurley himself.

Under perceived invasion, the 815'ers break into two groups: The Locke-ateers and Jack's All-Star Supergroup. The Locke-ateers spend the better part of 8 episodes chasing Jacob's naughty cabin. The Locke-ateers eventually take refuge in the old Dharmaville, where all the redshirts are blown to shreds by invading mercenaries from the freighter.

Turns out, Ben has an inside man on the Freighter: Michael Dawson. That's right, Harold Perrineau has decided to get over the fact that he hates the way the Lost writers treat African-American characters. In return, he is rewarded with the rich role of "janitor snitch who gets blown to bits after 5 episodes."

The smoke monster comes in the biggest form you've ever seen, and manages to kill maybe one person out of the ten it attacks. Another piece to a decreasingly interesting puzzle.

Stumbling upon the cabin, Locke and Ben are convinced that the best idea is to blindly follow the advice of ghost kidnapper Christian who claims to know the guy who owns the cabin. Under orders from Christian, Ben turns a giant frozen donkey wheel. This causes the island to leap in time, Ben to leap to Tunisia, and the entire writing staff to leap to Betty Ford.

Season 5, in which...wait, what the fuck? No really, what the fuck?

...entirely about the cast getting displaced in...
...to be unstuck in time...
... not introducing any new...
...what the fuck?...
...time.
...we seem...
Season 5 is almost...
...characters to the show.
...dammit...
This season is notable for...
Oh shit...

In case you didn't catch that, Season 5 is about the characters getting displaced in time. They then get caught in seperate time periods, and Hurley re-writes the script to Star Wars.

Yes. That happened.

It is also revealed that there are two forces on the island, heavy handedly representing black and white/evil and good and using everyone as pawns for their ongoing struggle for...you know what? Forget it, it's stupid. Here's that uncomfortably sexy lolita picture of Evangeline Lily again.

Hot evangeline lilly

Season 5 Highlights:

Sayid shooting a young Ben, this is the point when people decided Sayid was either too callous or too undeniably awesome.

Rose and Bernard have become one with the land and tell everyone to just chill the fuck out.

Serously, just stop worrying everybody, it's cool.

Locke is dead...or IS HE?

Yes. Yes he is.

Season 6, in which the series is ending and questions will answered...maybe

Season 6 of Lost, also titled THE FINAL SEASON, premiered on Tuesday, February 2 at 8/7c.

The series starts where Season 5 left off, with Juliet calling a nuclear bomb a son of a bitch then hitting it with a rock (Thus establishing that Juliet has far bigger balls than Jack, Sawyer and Locke combined.). The island explodes, everything goes white, then...