Online Shooters

Taking out your anger through the use of violence just got a whole lot easier thanks to the internet.

We're pretty sure this is scientifically accurate.

Just The Facts

  1. Online Shooters incorperate the internet, group activities, male bonding and explosions into one glorious package.
  2. They're usually pretty simple to grasp: Team A vs Team B for ultimate glory.
  3. Sometimes Team C gets involved, but it's unlikely.
  4. Online gamers are usually depicted as fat and spotty. This is only partly true. They're also sweaty and full of rage.

Online Shooters: Human nature at its worst

Let us paint you a picture: You've come home after a long and tiring day at work. You're annoyed and aching and you just want to let some anger out in video-game format, you know, rather than taking a bat to your neighbours face. You turn on your PC and load Counter-Strike Source, knowing that the simple format the game offers will at least ease you into a happy world of guns, explosions and people shouting "n00b". Oh, wait, no, that's right, you forgot, it doesn't calm you down at all. It doesn't ease anything. In fact, it makes you angrier than you've been all day. How can this be? It's simple science, good buddy. Getting shot by someone who has absolutely nothing else happening in their life is humiliating, tedious and certainly not fun!


So why do we keep playing FPS games online when we could simply take on easy A.I and destroy them with limited effort? Simple: We want competition and we want a challenge. Game A.I ranges from poor to average in terms of tactical skill and aiming ability, even on hard mode (insert erection joke here). Online, we're up against our fellow man, we're all equals and therefore worthy to fight on a pixelated battlefield.

Actually, that part's not true. About 50% of online gamers do nothing but play all day long. Seriously, toilet breaks and phoning for a pizza are their only other activities, because they only want one thing: To be better at the game than everyone else. Sure, you could just tell them that it's only a game and that they should do something worthwhile, but it's just white noise to them.

Rules of Online Shooters

Online gaming is always tricky, since first time players don't want to make a bad impression, but regular players will generally act like douchebags to anyone they don't recognize. Hell, they'll act like douchebags to people they're friends with! Anyway, you've got to follow certain rules if you want to become a douchebag just like the regulars:

  1. Your online gaming name must be completely unoriginal, but retarded at the same time. So SirKillzAlot or Pwnasauruz should be okay.
  2. Whatever you hear, whatever you're told, camping is key. Find a good spot, slap on some music and wait for a target. You'll be hated in no time.
  3. Tags or Sprays are key in online gaming (a tag/spray is a custom image the player can put on a solid surface in game). Professional dickweeds have either gross-out porn or an old internet meme as their tag/spray, so follow suit.
  4. Two words: Spam Nader
  5. Make frequent innapropriate jokes in the message board or on voice chat as much as you can. Categories that are favoured by douchebags include: pedophilia, rape, and incest.
  6. If possible, remember to team-kill as many people as you can in any way you see fit.

The shiny visuals make the betrayal all the more insulting

Basic Premise of an Online Shooter

Shoot someone that has different beliefs than you. Fairly simple really.

Enemies applicable to this premise:

  • Terrorists
  • Aliens
  • Ghosts
  • Demons
  • Zombies (yes, they have beliefs)
  • Alternate Army
  • Criminals
  • Children Midgets Ewoks

Enemies that can't be applied to this style of thinking:

  • Christians (Hey, this game idea hasn't been done yet and probably never will!)
  • Robots (Machines have no beliefs, they're just assholes)

Like this smug bastard!