We’re not completely sure just how or why the name Richard got shortened to Dick but we’re guessing that the first guy to get called that must have been a real prick.

Just The Facts

  1. This Topic is not what you thought it might be. You friggin' pervert
  2. Dick is short for Richard. Dick is short... You friggin' pervert
  3. They call private detectives private dicks

Cracking on Famous Dicks

Dick Clark

Dick Clark is famous for being the host of American Band Stand for 32 fucking years, in which time he didn't age a day. He hosted a weekly top 40 radio show when your grandpa put together his first crystal set to listen to Doo Wop. Dick Clark is immortal, or so it seemed, before he aged 150 years since 2004. He is still involved in New Years Rockin' Eve because even with his recent health issues, without him it would just be Seacrest, and nobody needs that shit.

Next New Years Eve...

Dick Tracy

We know that many Cracked readers like to draw pictures of Dicks in their notebooks and sometimes on their friend's foreheads when they're drunk off their ass, but in 1931 Chester Gould drew a Dick that became a long running comic strip that the artist continued to produce until he retired in 1977 and some other people started drawing his Dick. People would open up their papers just to get their daily dose of Dick and follow along with the many adventures of the crime fighting detective. In fact your grandma probably got exposed to this Dick and fucking loved it.

Dick noticed her nipples too

In 1990 Dick Tracy was made into a movie that Warren Beatty directed and starred in, it also featured an all star cast that included Madonna, who is certainly no stranger to Dicks.

Dick Van Dyke

The recipie for how not to get laid in the 70s - or this guy...

This talented Dick was born in 1925 and has enjoyed a long career as an actor, writer, and producer. With a name that has both Dick and Dyke in it, it's a good thing he's an old bastard because going to high school now would fucking suck. His early body of work included playing Rob Petrie on the Dick Van Dyke Show.

Dick wanted to sweep her chimney

In 1964 he was Bert the Chimney Sweep in Mary Poppins and later Caractacus Potts in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. He also played a crooked District Attorney in the aforementioned film Dick Tracy. He played a crime solving Doctor in the show Diagnosis Murder, a show that ran from 1993 until 2001 when it got put into syndication on those shitty channels your grandma likes. His younger brother is Jerry Van Dyke who acted like a Dick on that show Coach.

Richard Marx

Richard Marx is a singer/songwriter who is most popular for the slow ballads he performed in the late eighties and early nineties, the kind of songs that you will still catch your mom listening to. He had a feathered mullet that made Michael Bolton look like a bitch.


With songs like Right Here Waiting and Hazard Richard Marx helped to set the mood for a lot of eager Dicks at high school proms well into the mid nineties. Having a Richard Marx mix tape in the deck made gaining access to Boobs and Camel Toe that much easier for a generation of dudes. (just go ask your mom) While warming up the poon and helping you to set the mood in the back seat of a Chevy Lumina is more than enough to make him cool as shit, we still wish he had shortened up his name like his dad did and gone by the name Dick Marx. Because who wouldn't want to be able to say, "I have Dick Marx on my ipod?"

Dick Trickle

Dick Trickle takes the award for the most unfortunate name on the oval track. The retired NASCAR driver was not chosen to represent Viagra because somehow a product that makes your Dick stiff just wouldn't be represented as well with a Trickle associated with it. However we wouldn't be surprised it Depends gives him a call at some point for some TV ads to air during Dr. Phil. In spite of all that we're sure he's one tough S.O.B. after having grown up with a name that conjures up entirely the wrong imagery for someone who has won as many races as he has.

Dick Cheney

You underestimate yourself, Dick

Dick Cheney is the former Vice President of the United States and a fucking terrible hunting partner. Need we say more?

You shot me in the face! Dick!

Tom Sizemore

WTF? His name is Tom, it isn't Dick... We know, but wouldn't it be great if it was?