Paranormal Investigation

Paranormal Investigation refers to the science of ghost-hunting but really it's a multi-faced beast of pseudo-scientific psychobabble.

Ghost Rider: The Bigfoot of Paranormal Investigation.

Just The Facts

  1. Anyone can be a Paranormal Investigator regardless of age or skill.
  2. Not every Paranormal Society will get a reality show.
  3. There are a lot of Paranormal Investigators, most of them are smart people, and all of them are retarded.

The Tenaciousness of the Deluded

People like a mystery and nothing is more mysterious than death. What happens when we shuffle off the ol' coil here? Is it the virgins? It's the virgins, right?

Enlightenment?!?! What a crock!

Some people seem to think your spirit can get stuck here through some unresolved event or lingering desire, and that's how we got stuck with Paranormal Investigators.

Google the term "paranormal investigation" and you'll get over 400,000 results, search the term "paranormal society" you'll get well over half a million, try "paranormal ghost society" and your over the million mark. Use any combination of the above including your home town and there will be a Ghost Association of Yorktown, Central Ranton's Association for the Paranormal, or Arizona's Specter Society. These groups have been around for ages, but it wasn't until after the creation of the Syfy's Ghost Hunters that people actually gave a shit.

If you want to become a paranormal investigator you'll need tenacity, an armament of gadgetry and the cryptic wisdom of the clinically insane. To start a paranormal investigation agency you'll need several things. Most importantly you'll need a love of acronyms, this will aid you in choosing your groups name. Secondly, like minded friends with little to no ambition in life, very little actual friends to interact with and a vehicle they'll let you paint your logo on. Thirdly, you must have the desire to waste vast amounts of money on technology for use in ways never intended or even possible. Finally, the ability to deceive yourself to soul crushing degrees, but really just this last one as you'll be lying to yourself a lot.

Tools of the Trade

Over time the Paranormal Investigator has learned to use the Ghostbusters method of ghost hunting.

Slightly more credible than a real ghost hunter.

Unfortunately none of this equipment actually exists. The only other option is to pretend existing technology can do the same thing. Equipment such as the following:
Infrared thermometers more commonly called Flir cameras gauge the surface temperatures of people and locations. Did you catch that? They only measure the temperature of things with a surface. Things with a surface! Fire departments have used them due to their ability to see through fire, smoke, haze, darkness, smog, light fog and mist. Now apply that to the wispy manifestaion of a specter and you'll find these are hilarously useless for tracking ghosts.
Geiger counters are sometimes used because they make that creeping clicking sound. Falling into the category of detecting a spirits energy. This is awesome because they detect ionizing radiation, meaning ghosts are radioactive. Which is good to know since hunting them is potentially hazardurdous to your health. Radiation poisoning also explains why Slimer glows green, but not why he hasn't mutated into a Ninja Turtle.
Ion detectors are funny little things that detect Ions; of course, the odd thing about them is Ions occur naturally from a variety reasons like solar radiation or even weather, so if you have any weather were you're from maybe you shouldn't buy one of these. They can even detect static electricity. This explains why ghosts don't slam doors as often as they used to.
Dowsing rods are hippy bullshit.
Audio recording devices have become a favorite of late in their attempts to catch electronic voice phenomena or EVP's. The idea is essentially this ghosts can vocalize but only on a frequency that recording devices can pickup. Here's the issue; if any kind of commercial audio recorder could pickup inaudible frequencies they would no longer be useful as they would only record garbled insanity. Therefore, if ghosts could speak you couldn't understand or even hear them amongst the chaos of sound.
EMF detectors are probably the silliest and most misused technology in ghost hunting. EMF's detect electromagnetism that's all they do and they do it very, very well, so well in fact that they will pick up nearly everything that gives off an electromagnetic pulse. Things like cameras, audio recorders, Infrared thermometers and motion detectors, ion and particle detectors, cameras recording a television show, wires in the walls, batteries, even the imperceptible vibrations from that metal cabinet you keep walking around swearing you felt something touch you.
Cameras and camcorders are the bread and butter of all haunting expeditions. Without visual evidence no one would give a shit. Problem is no one has ever caught an apparition, ever! I know what you're going say, "But, But, But...shadow people?" Exactly! Nothing! They've only managed to catch shadows and dust, things a good camera operator will tell you are a common issue when using such equipment in the fucking dark! There are also many night vision cameras that can also see through smoke.