Computers

Perhaps no invention has received more praising or bashing than the computer. Perhaps no invention better symbolizes the hopes and dreams of humans and the dirty, filthy reality of how we just taint everything that could be good.

OK, The Father  Probably Wants a Laptop for the Same Reasons

The Only Type of Picture That Still Sexually Excites IT guys anymore.

Libraries of the Future (And By

Just The Facts

  1. Computers are machines that manipulate data according to pre-programmed instructions.
  2. At one point a single computer filled an entire room and could do about the same amount of work as your kids digital calculator-watch.
  3. The word computer was coined in 1613 and meant someone who did calculations. Today we call those people "desk-jockeys" or "nerds."
  4. Today the term "computer" has come to mean a device in which we access porn.

Cracked On Computers

Years ago there was this little magazine you might have heard of. It had classically funny cartoons and witty paraphrasing of daily life's quoils and quibbles. It satired pop culture, politics, and life in general. Hell, it even impacted the greater American cultural Landscape of the 20th Century. Well Computers Killed It. Or more specifically the fact that online content was both free and vastly more diverse killed it.

You Were Expecting Something Different?

Moving Right Along...

Ranking inventions in terms of importance is a pretty mindless task. Think about it... it's stupid to say the computer is the greatest invention ever as it depends so much upon previous discoveries/inventions (like say, electricity for example). But even taking that into consideration, computers are pretty damn important and as Cracked has shown before, the world would suck without computers and the internet. There's virtually no aspect of life that computers haven't impacted (except masturbation, right?).

Economic Impact of Computers

With the aid of computers employers are able to hire highly trained workers that will make the jobs of several lesser trained completely irrelevant. With new advancements in making the software programs easier to use the same employers can hire a lesser trained worker to replace the highly trained worker (provided the employer still has the "quickstart guide," "troubleshooting list," and access to the software companies FAQ section online. Computer theorists hypothesize that eventually the entire World Economy will be resting on the shoulders of one guy who pushes one button that makes all the computers make all the robots do all the work... and that one guy will be Indian.

"My Name is Rajeet, and I AM the World's Economy... Thank You Come Again."

Impact on Medical/Health Safety of Computers

You know what makes a good doctor a good doctor? They know their shit (especially if they're a proctologist). Think about it... the more a doctor knows the more he's able to spot what is making you sick. Some doctors now rely heavily on palm pilot programs that pretty much check off the symptoms and alert the doctor to any possibly problems when treating multiple illnesses at the same time. What's funny is that old people HATE their doctors doing this and would much rather rely on the old-fashioned doctor who has to try to remember what he learned in med school thirty years ago or what worked on a patient in a similar situation three years ago.

Yeah, well nowadays your entire medical record can be instantly downloaded by doctors and crosschecked with pretty much the entire body of medical knowledge. Hell, there's even computer programs that help a doctor know what to do in a surgery and such. Even if nobody ever figures out how to attach a scalpel to a computer to do the surgery itself this has changed the Medical profession. How long until your HMO decides a highly skilled butcher armed with a palm pilot full of medical knowledge is good enough to replace specialist doctors in your health care plan? (Our bet is on this happening by 2012)

And You Thought Government Run Health Care Was A Bad Option?

Impact of Computers On Travel

Once upon a time people had to master a difficult paper form of train schedules to figure out how to get across the country. Nowadays you can book your airline ticket from your home computer (or phone, the airline can instantly assign you a seat, reserve your special dietary needs meal, charge you all appropriate fees, register your luggage before you arrive, do a background check on you, notify you of any delays, and charge it all to your credit card via computers. Instant tracking of planes, trains, and automobiles is done via the help of computers and it isn't going to change anytime soon. Lets face it, they're always adding shit to cars. In the future your in-dash computer will do something useful like actually drive your fucking car (hell, even tractors already have satellite GPS-guided driving) instead of just sorting your music and running your phone through the car speakers. Which is awesome and all... but we're kind of pissed we're going to miss out on the proliferation of those awesome high-speed conveyer belt sidewalks we can only find in airports currently.

We Wouldn't Need Computer OR Cars If We Had These Bad Boys Between Major Cities.

The Impact of Computers on Media

Almost every form of media depends upon computers for editing, laying-out, and managing what will be presented to the public. Hell, computers can make 3-d images that entertain us such as Pixar films and educate us such as stuff on PBS. (We're totally bluffing about this last bit, we have no idea what airs on PBS nowadays but we figure you don't either).

Finally, An Example of An Educational But NOT Entertaining Computer Generated Film.

The Impact of Computers on Commerce

Thanks to online retailers you can now buy books on Japanese Baseball, Columbian Soccer, and English Cricket with just a few clicks. You can even buy a 5th division English Soccer Team online (Ebbsfleet United). You can buy cds from obscure Iranian bands that you heard on live radio streams online. You can do pretty much any of these things with computers.

But you know what computers can't do?

They can't tell you why you'd want to do any of those things we've listed above.

But computers have totally revolutionized and revitalized practically every industry. Except the music industry, which of course it killed.

Pretty Much Everything Sophisticated People Hate about The Modern World Encapsulated In One Image.

The Impact of Computers On Social Interaction

When we first heard about Star Trek Online being the newest MMORP we were really afraid that some of our associates would not leave their house for years. Then when we thought about it longer we were really excited that all of our usual geek hang out spots would be suddenly empty. Starbucks, comic book stores, Best-Buy, the import section of the trendy music store, and soccer stadiums will all feature a lot more elbow room from now on.

However, everyone knows someone who met their spouse online. Most times these online marriages fail almost 25% of the time but the 50% of your friends who are divorced can make fun of these happily married fools for being so needy they turned to online dating for companionship.

Scientists have said that the way people are turning away from meaningful real-world interaction with others and turning towards meaningless online friendships will have a growing impact of decreasing our ability to get along with our neighbors and maintaining polite social conventions. But those scientists can go eat themselves. We'll flame war their asses until they just leave society all together, right guys?

The World Imploded In Irony when These Two Hot Chicks Went Online and Pretended To Be An Unemployed Forty Year Old Fat Guy Who Lived In His Parent's Basement.

The Impact of Computers on Education

Yeah, who are we kidding. Sure, some kids could possibly learn something from a computer but let's just be realistic here.

Discovering How Quantum Physics Works, or "browsing" a Gay Chat Room?

Reading The Latest Issue of Psychology Today Online, Or Looking On Craigslist for a Furry Party?

Reading Cliff's Notes Version of Hamlet, Or Paying Her Tuition By Running Her Own Escort Service?

But What Opperating System is Best?

In the 9th Century monks argued over exactly how many angels could dance on the head of a pin.

In the 13th Century art lovers argued over which Roman writer was the most significant.

In the 17th Century people argued over the idea that tomatoes were poisonous.

In the 20th Century people argued over which was better, the unfashionable Windows, the sleek but practical for editing Mac, or even the mysterious and utterly incomprehensible Linux.

All of these arguements are retarded. Seriously. Perhaps the Tomatoes one made the most sense as most red berries found naturally in North America are harmful, but other then that...