Simon Cowell

Simon Cowell is officially the smuggest man in the world. Every time he keeps a contestant in suspense over his decision, he basks in the warmth of his self-satisfaction.

Just The Facts

  1. He invented American Idol, The X Factor, Britain's Got Talent and America's Got Talent
  2. He is a judge on most of these programs, his trade mark being both nasty and unbearably smug
  3. He has pioneered the use of the red-herring remark - speaking in exactly the way you'd expect an unrepentant douchebag to speak
  4. In 2003, Cowell cloned an imperfect version of himself in the form of Piers Morgan

Cracked on Simon Cowell

Simon Cowell divides opinion. Due to the vast amounts of wealth he has accumulated over the years, he has built a substantial army of female admirers who ignore his high waist-line and atrocious hair and see him for who he really is - a man with a massive house in nearly every major city in the world.

Meanwhile, men quietly admire Mr Cowell for the achievement of managing to get into the enviable position whereby he is right about everything.


Does this man look like he is EVER in the wrong?

As a judge on his own talent shows, Simon Cowell gained notoriety for being bluntly honest, critical and belittling of the other judges on the panel. He was also cruel towards misguided contestants.

Simon Cowell has come under criticism for the format of his talent shows. They focus, at least during the audition phases, on those people whom nobody ever meets but who seem to live everywhere who have complete and utter conviction in themselves - a conviction that is deemed to be wrong, by everyone. On the surface, exposing these people to their delusions of grandeur can seem cruel, harmful and merely an exercise in Schadenfreude. However, many have come to see the public burning of these figures of ridicule as an act of philanthropy, of forced repentance, that leave the viewer happy that a particular failed contestant can go home to correctfully readjust their life to this new information and quit being so fucking retarded lulz.


Fuck your life. Just fuck off and die alone.

The Times newpaper, for example commented that his talent shows represented the "heartless, thoughtless and superficial - the flotsam and jetsam of the polluted seas of celebrity that is likely to sink without trace into toxic foam". They were wrong. It would seem that this flotsam and jetsam that is so derided is the one thing that is universally popular about these shows. Swaim comments on this in his article 'How to Make American Idol Entertaining (aka Cruel) Again'. We all know that viewing figures drop drammatically once the auditions are over and the show turns in to a taudry, saccarine soap opera.


Wow, you're singing. Now look at my breasts.

In a way, this is the saving grace of the shows that Simon Cowell has delivered. On the one hand it is a display of the most basic and unlikeable of human emotions - laughter at others, feeling superior and primitive pack cruelty. On the other hand, when dealing with contestants we are suppossed to 'like' (the underdogs and fabulously good-looking) the show is relentlessly feelgood.


Please Simon, like me...

Every tear is milked for all its worth, every sob story slowly relayed in all its slow-motion glory while rushing, triumphant music sweeps like the explosion of a thousand dandelions over the audience forcing us at flower-point to cry like mothers at a funeral. It's like porn for the emotionally scarred.

Eoghan Quigg

Also, this kid has the most punch worthy face in the world

Despite the clever editing and soundtrack accompanying the contestants' stratospheric rise to sudden obscurity however, it always remains clear who the real star of all these talent shows is.

Simon Motherfucking Cowell. When all the contestants, including the winner have drfited into drug addiction, 'other projects' and appearing on gameshows like I'm A Celebrity, Please Notice Me, it is Simon Cowell who comes away smelling of roses. He has, through his sheer benevolence and benign generosity, managed to alleviate a person's mundane life momentarily. Families are reunited, children make friends and the sick are healed all thanks Simon. Whenever Simon shows to the world the depth of his kindness and human compassion, the cameras shower him with attention, showing his heartfelt and sincere pride in himself.


He's just improved someone's life. His.

Who the Fuck is Piers Morgan?

Coming with all the cons and none of the pros of being Simon Cowell is the shadowy figure of Piers Morgan.

For no known reason, Simon Cowell decided that the world needed one more insulting, arrogant, privately educated English dickhead (or 'wanker' in his home country) to judge people on their talents. For his sins, he chose Piers Morgan.


Piers Morgan is and was the least popular person in Britain. He was fired from the position of Editor in Chief of crappy newspaper The Mirror after publishing fake photographs of British soldiers torturing Iraqi POWs, putting British soldiers' life in danger as a result. However, even prior to his fall from grace, he was still considered a wanker by most measures.

Since he has been a judge on America's Got Talent he has managed to maintain a level of embarrassing unlikeability that even David Hasselhoff cannot disguise. His pathetic attempts at emulating Simon Cowell are quaint though ultimately doomed. Whereas Simon has managed to develop an air of truth and fairness in his remarks, Piers Morgan has and will remain an ugly, poor-man's version of the legend, if poor people don't mind the baggage.