Obama

Barack Hussein Obama II is the 44th and first black President of the United States, Bill Clinton notwithstanding.

Just The Facts

  1. Obama was born August 4, 1961, in Honolulu, Hawai'i (or Kenya or Indonesia, whichever is less plausible).
  2. He rose to prominence as a community organiser, State Senator and U.S. Senator through his sharp oratory, expounding on revolutionary themes, such as hope, change and hope. Also, change.
  3. Upon assuming the Presidency, the use of his middle name, "Hussein", was no longer considered racist. Still racist: "Sambobama", "Kunta Kinte Hitler bin Laden" and "That One".

I was born a poor black child (but was raised like a rich white one)

Barack and Stanley (Stanley's the Girl)

Obama's mother, Stanley Ann, holds her son, Barack, in 1963. (Do we really need to put the l and r next to their names? It should be fairly obvious which is which.)

Barack Obama was born to Stanley Ann Dunham, a white woman, and Barack Hussein Obama (Senior, that is), a black man, on August 4, 1961, in Honolulu, Hawai'i. (If you had read "Just the Facts", you would know this much by now.)

Obama's parents eventually divorced and both remarried, which is why cursory look at Obama's many siblings looks an awful lot like The Brady Bunch meets The Waltons, only less sterile and wholesome.

In his youth, Obama preferred to be called "Barry" and played on his high school varsity basketball team, where his public speaking skills were first put on display, mostly in the form of eloquent trash-talk directed at opposing players and nuanced assertions regarding the sexual habits of said players' mothers.

Obama at Harvard: The Elitism Begins

Obama's education eventually brought him to Harvard Law School, where he became the first black president of the Harvard Law Review, a feat widely recognised amongst those who had heard of the Harvard Law Review.

Obama met his future wife, Michelle Robinson, during this time. They would go on to marry and have two children, Malia and Sasha. They also have a Portuguese Water Dog, Bo. The Obamas do not give their children Christmas or birthday presents, but the girls were promised a dog, regardless of whether their father won the Presidency. As we all know, history was indeed made, and Bo's official title is now the First Dog, a title last held by First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton.

The Nutty Professor: Obama at Chicago Law School

"And if you spread the wealth around like so, you can basically ignore that whole 'free enterprise' thing in favour of a command-and-control economy. Wait, are you recording this?"

With law doctorate in-hand, Obama was ready to take on that most prestigious and respected of jobs: college professor. Remember that mandatory civics class you had to take back in college which you totally spaced about and only remembered to take your spring semester of senior year, and you barely passed it because the professor was so boring, and what the hell does "civics" have to do with being a philosophy major anyway? What kind of bullshit course is that? Anyway, for 12 years, Barack Obama was essentially that professor. Thanks a lot for bringing down my GPA, asshole.

Obama's audacious run of hope

Primary Wars Episode I: The Pantsuit Menace

Hillary Rodham Clinton attempts to emote as she greets a crowd of enthusiastic supporters.

Obama became an Illinois State Senator in 1997 and ran for the U.S. Senate in 2004. He was asked to deliver the keynote address at the Democratic National Convention that year, where he was able to - perhaps miraculously - capture the hearts of millions of viewers, yet not capture a single vote for the Democratic nominee, Massachusetts Senator John Kerry.

Obama won his Senate race handily and announced his Presidential run in 2007. He consistently ran behind the then-frontrunner, New York Senator and former First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton, who requested that we use her full name in every reference to her in this article.*

Obama became competitive with Clinton following his victory in the first-in-the-nation-for-no-apparent-reason Iowa caucuses. The two ran neck-and-neck throughout the primary, whilst third-place candidate and former North Carolina Senator John Edwards consistently ran from responsibility to his bastard child.

*No, she didn't.

Papa Don't Preach... No, Seriously. Don't.

After Senator Obama officially left Trinity United Church of Christ, Rev. Jeremiah Wright retreated to his aerie, located somewhere in the Germantown section of Philadelphia.

The only time during the Democratic Presidential primaries during which Obama ran evenly or behind presumptive Republican nominee John McCain (more on him in a moment) occurred following the public revelation that Obama's pastor of two decades, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, had made numerous inflammatory statements, including accusing the U.S. government of inventing HIV to eradicate minorities, saying the Bible justified God damning America and asserting that the Chicago Cubs were a viable sports franchise.

Obama initially stood by his pastor and said that Wright's controversial remarks were not reflective of his overall ministry. He proceeded to compare Wright to his white grandmother, who, unbeknownst to the international audience watching and scrutinising his speech, was apparently a foul-mouthed racist.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Muslim

This magazine cover was designed to mock Right-wing paranoia about Barack Obama's alleged faith. Guess which political group didn't actually get the joke? The answer may surprise you! (Hint: It wasn't Right-wingers.)

The other issue which dogged Obama throughout his Presidential campaign was allegations that he was a secret Muslim. Obama's father was born a Muslim but had become an atheist by the time he married Stanley Dunham. Despite his father's religious upbringing; his childhood upbringing in Indonesia, the most populous Muslim country on Earth; and his insistence that all of his press conferences face Mecca, Obama is not, and never has been, a Muslim. Allegedly.

So, a Black Guy and a Maverick Walk into a Bar...

Try as she might, Hillary Rodham Clinton was unable to overcome Obama's delegate lead, despite furious attempts to knock him off-kilter. Political strategists agreed that the only reason she won the New Hampshire primary, for example, was because Clinton volunteers stood outside of polling places with buckets of Clinton's tears (pH negative 14) and sloshed them in the faces of Obama voters so as to blind them.

Finally, after one of the most protracted primary battles in Presidential election history, a very tired and dowdy Hillary Rodham Clinton suspended her campaign, and Barack Obama became the first black man to represent a major political party's Presidential ticket. Distraught Clinton supporters split between those who embraced Obama as their party's nominee and those who vowed to vote for the Republican candidate out of spite and subsequently go back on that vow come November.

Obama picked Delaware Senator Joe Biden as his running mate in order to rebuff arguments that he lacked the experience and slapstick comedy skills necessary to be Commander-in-Chief. Obama officially accepted the Democratic Presidential nomination at the party's convention in Denver, delivering his acceptance speech to a crowd of 75,000, whereupon he proceeded to feed them all using just five loaves of bread and two fishes. Oh, wait. Wrong Messiah.

The next day, Americans remembered that Obama actually had to defeat someone in order to become President. Arizona Senator and AARP member John McCain decided he wanted to make history, too, and he selected little-known Alaska Governor Sarah "Moose Killa P" Palin to be his running mate, the first Republican woman nominated for Vice-President.

McCain/Palin: Totally palatable to you Clinton voters, so long as you completely ignore our stands on the issues.

After the Palin pick, McCain experienced a rise in his polls unseen since he tried that strange blue pill his wife, Cindy, insisted he take before bedtime. Putting a woman on the ticket allowed McCain to change his slogan to the Obama knock-off "Change is coming", a marked improvement over the original, "Get off my lawn, you damn punks, Matlock is on in seven minutes!"

Obama ultimately prevailed, however, besting McCain by solid popular vote and crushing Electoral College margins. Obama's victory was hailed as the end of racism in America as we know it, putting an end to centuries of racial strife in a matter of hours. Indeed, experts predict that Obama's historic victory - which was extremely, mind-bogglingly historic - marked the beginning of "Pax Obama", a period of unprecedented peace and harmony which will end when Americans suddenly become racist again and vote to remove Obama and/or members of his party from office in 2010 and/or 2012.

Mr. Obama Goes to Washington: "Shit! I actually have to do stuff now."

President Barack Obama addresses one of his key constituencies.

Obama's Presidency is barely into its second year, but pundits are already discussing his chances for re-election in 2012. The President's signature domestic issue, health care, has become a rallying cry for his opponents, who fear the bill he supports to reform/fundamentally change/destroy the current health care system will turn America into a neo-Marxist State.

Obama 2012: In Soviet Russia, health care reforms you!

Obama has also faced withering criticism on foreign policy, particularly his administration's initial support of trying terrorist suspects in New York City as well as giving them civilian trials, rather than military tribunals. Obama's decision to send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan was criticised from his Left, particularly by supporters who voted for him because he was black and/or a Democrat and had conveniently ignored the fact that he had supported a troop increase in the Afghan theatre in his campaign platform.

What does the future hold for the Obama administration? Only time will tell, but one thing is certain: So long as Obama is President, there will be seemingly endless speculation about what he plans to do and how from people who have absolutely no business talking politics.

Fun fact: 2.5 million television viewers consider this a valid news source. You don't even want to know the radio listenership.

BONUS LEVEL: How to argue using the School of Obama Rhetoric

President Obama's mastery of speech is one of his greatest talents, but that doesn't mean you can't emulate it! Following are examples you can use in everyday conversation in order to impress friends and bed their mothers.

The rhetoric: "Let me be clear."

How Obama uses it: Now, let me be clear: None of this will be easy.

How you can use it: Now, let me be clear: Your mom is easy. I totally boned her last night.

The rhetoric: The straw man argument

How Obama uses it: Finally, there are those who oppose identifying a time frame for our transition to Afghan responsibility. Indeed, some call for a more dramatic and open-ended escalation of our war effort -- one that would commit us to a nation-building project of up to a decade.

How you can use it: There are those who oppose calling your mom easy because they are poorly endowed and fear being embarrassed by my raging manhood. Indeed, they simply can not handle being upstaged by my unrivalled boning potential.

The rhetoric: Creating a false centre

How Obama uses it: There are those on the left who believe that the only way to fix the system is through a single-payer system like Canada's, where we would severely restrict the private insurance market and have the government provide coverage for everybody. On the right, there are those who argue that we should end employer-based systems and leave individuals to buy health insurance on their own.

I've said -- I have to say that there are arguments to be made for both these approaches. But either one would represent a radical shift that would disrupt the health care most people currently have.

How you can use it: Some would say your mom is an easy lay, willing to give it up for pocket change. Others would say she is a high-class broad, who wouldn't even think of breaking her wedding vows. I say she just wants to be wined and dined. Also, boned. By me.