In video games, unlike real life, cheating is okay. Sometimes there are video game cheats in games that are so useless that you think that they were put in by the developer's retarded cousin. Behold the worst video game cheats of all time.
Who wouldn't want to be James Bond? Soliciting with Halle Berry is something I hope to do one day (if she's still smokin' hot). And as James Bond, you get to select the bitchinest guns known to mankind. Guns never outlive their usefulness. Or do they?
When GoldenEye came out, it was immediately recongized as one of the best shooters on the Nintendo 64 (apparently Conker's Bad Fur Day was considered a shooter). But when Paintball mode was unlocked, the joy of piercing someone's lungs with the force of a locomotive lost its luster. Observe:
Now granted, getting shot with paintballs hurts like a bitch. But are we really suprised that after hundreds of paintballs hit a guy that he dies probably due to internal injuries which include bruised lung, broken ribcage, facial laceration, etc. Sorry 007, but you become less manly if it takes you more bullets to kill somebody. Incidentally, writing "I wuz here" on the wall becomes suprisingly more easy with this mode turned on.
If you've ever been to a Banjo-Kazooie fansite which, let's face it, you haven't, you would have heard of this infamous secert designed to fuck with shitheads who actually thought it meant something. If you have ever played the original Banjo-Kazooie you know that Mumbo (a man who had all his skin melted off by hydrochloric acid) showed you pictures of Banjo and Kazooie getting mysterious eggs. Nerds who thought Banjo-Kazooie was hardcore started to tell everyone who would listen that the Stop N Swop was a coded message from Rare.
Gamers didn't know what to do at first but came up with a plan that flooded the internet with insane conspiracy theories. Their plan was to confuse the hell out of any person stupid enough to type in "Stop N Swop" in the Google bar. Naturally, the first place these geeks wanted to place their ramblings were on YouTube. There is actually a 17 minute video of some dude searching for all the eggs. He even states at the beginning of his video that his search is pointless when he says that the entire project was scrapped! There you go nerds. Stop N Swop serves no real purpose except to waste your time.
Every self-respecting gamer played Super Mario 64 back in the day and if you didn't then you need to go dust off your N64, go to eBay, buy the game, play it and realize that both Super Mario Sunshine and Super Mario Galaxy were both re-encarnations of that game. Seriously though, the game was awesome and helped the Nintendo 64 become popular. Once you got the game you thought the game was over when you beat Bowset and Peach baked you a cake (the all-time worst ending to any Mario Game ever). You'd be wrong because when you collected 120 stars, this happened:
Yeah, you just heard Yoshi speak and yes, he just rewarded all your hard work with 100 lives but is there a point to all of this? The short answer is no. The long answer is you saying "Are you fucking kidding me? I spent almost 30 hours collecting stupid stars so that I could blast out of cannon, arrive on the roof, be rewarded with not only seeing Yoshi, but hearing him speak his first words, just so that he could channel the ghosts of the Super Mario 64 team and give me one hundred lives? What the FUCK am I supposed to do with them? Go die? THIS CHEAT SUCKS MONKEY DICK!". There was no secret levels and you didn't get to replay the game, just a hundred lives and hearing Yoshi speak which is impossible. Thanks a lot Nintendo.
You know what? I feel like I should pick on Nintendo some more. Mario Kart 64 was always a fun game to play. Who could resist rubbing it in when you beat your friends for the zillionth time on the same track? So many good things came from Mario Kart 64 that went into other Mario Kart games. Wait, no, I had that backwards. What I meant to say was that nothing good came from Mario Kart 64 and the same lackluster bullshit was put into all the other Mario Kart games. And if there is one thing that Nintendo keeps shoving down our throats Mario Kart-wise, its Mirror Mode. You may remember Mirror Mode for serving no purpose whatsoever other than for gamers to remark "Wow! Now the tracks been reversed! I was going to go right but now I have to go left! Its as if someone held a mirror up to the course and made me race on the other half of the mirror! How innovative!". Sadly, some people think that this was a major acheivement in gaming but rational thought tends to disagree. That's like saying Bohemian Rhapsody is just as good in reverse than it is when you play the track properly.
Nobody better fuck with this song or i'll go apeshit on their asses! What? The Muppets did a parody of it?
At this very moments, the followers of the Halo games are going out of their minds. How dare I, a n00b, disgrace the good name that is Halo. I should be punished by having Master Chief come to my house, kill me, kill my two dogs, kill my parents all the while a voice says "Double Kill!", "Triple Kill!", "Overkill!" and finally "Extermenation!". Let me show you something:
That is a guide on how to get all the Halo 3 skulls. I don't have a problem with that. What I do have a problem with however is these skulls are rarely used. The only reason people try and get these are because it unlocks Hayabusa armor which will somehow make them cooler. And when they are used, its to get a stupid acheivement. Tell me something Halo gamers, have you ever, EVER, turned on the skulls to play for your amusement? The answer is no. This is the saddest excuse for a cheat I've ever stumbled across. Like I said before, people only attempt at getting the skulls so that their Spartan can look like a freakin' ninja. At what point was the Spartan uncool exactly?
Well, I'm done. You can now make fun of me saying that I suck at evaluating the suckiness of video game cheats and that I should go into a ditch and die. I several of these messages on my Xbox Live account. I keep them as mementos.