13th Warrior

The 13th Warrior is a 1999 action/adventure film set in Medieval Russia. Antonio Banderas stars as Antonio Banderas, and with the help of 12 surly Norsemen kills hundreds of Neanderthals. The message of The 13th Warrior seems to be "Genocide = lulz"

Just The Facts

  1. A film that revolutionized the "Arab meets Vikings and fights Neanderthals" genre.
  2. Directed by none other than John McTiernan, the director of Die Hard. However, shoeless protagonists are curiously absent.
  3. Give an Arab a sword, and he makes a knife.

Plot Overview

The film begins with Ahmed Ibn Fahdlan being punished by his Calif by having to serve as amabassador to the Rus tribe of Norsemen, who live far to the north of Baghdad. It seems that Antonio stuck his bonio (lol get it get it) into the Calif's wife, thus earning the Calif's scorn and distrust.

Although, in Muslim society eye contact basically counts as sex.

However, in Muslim society eye contact probably counts as sex.

Immediately upon arriving, the Rus conscript him into the fight against an ancient and sinister evil that is destroying their villages. However, we believe that they were just trying to keep Ahmed from porking their wives.

Well, maybe not "porking." He is Muslim after all.

Well, maybe not "porking." He is Muslim, after all.

After a hilariously short immersion in Old Norse - which consists of him listening to the Norsemen talk drunkenly about pillage and rape for a couple nights - Ahmed is Norse Certified®. This is the equivalent of him learning English by watching Snatch a few times.

Armed with his newfound knowledge, will Ahmed survive when the Rus take the fight to the Wendol? And will he take off that ridiculous eye shadow?

The Production

Although it is not commonly known, The 13th Warrior is actually a gritty re-boot of Miracle on 34th Street.

John McTiernan left the production before it was complete and author Michael Crichton was brought in to finish directing. This was because McTiernan wanted to cast Bruce Willis as Ahmed but the producers wouldn't let him (citation needed).


Despite having excellent cinematography, likable characters, awesome wardrobe and wall-to-wall action, The 13th Warrior has a 6.2 on IMDb as of January, 2010. This can largely be attributed to the fact that the voice of IMDb is that of pretentious diaper babies who only enjoy movies that they don't understand. Instead, we say Thank you, John McTiernan. Thank you for giving us a movie where vikings dismember cavemen.

The Wendol

The Wendol are a race of pre-historic Furries who have a fetish for BBW.

Even Wendols gotta shout - baby got back

For the first part of the movie they remain unseen and are referred to as "The Evil Which Cannot Be Named." This is not essentially different from how people regard Furries today.

The two most important Wendol are the Mother and the The Horns of Power. The Mother hangs out in a cavern admiring her collection of Viking heads.

She wanted to get head from Buliwyf, but ended up giving it to him

The Horns of Power takes the Wendol into battle against the enemies of all Furrydom.

Chubby chaser

Their name is derived from "Grendel," the first antagonist in the poem Beowulf.

The Warriors

Thirteen warriors are chosen to seek out and destroy the Wendol.

Buliwyf is the son of the king, but when his father dies he must compete with others for the throne. Bulwyf may be slightly mentally handicapped. This is evidenced by his baritone mumbling of such profound insights as "you can draw sounds" and "the dog can jump." However, despite being midly retarded he has the physical strength of ten retards, which he shows by utterly butchering all furfags in his path.

Rides the short dragonship

Herger the Joyous is a smaller, blonder, comic relief-ier Norseman. This makes him the Viking equivalent of Steve Zahn. Also much like Steve Zahn he is a complete sociopath incapable of fear. He spends most of his time explaining to Ahmed why he is a pussy.

"It's because of the eye shadow, little brother."

Edgtho the Silent is the most boring of the thirteen warriors. His catchphrases include stony glares and concerned frowns. When not thinking terrifying thoughts to himself he is watching you silently from the trees.

He's not speaking, just yawning with a vengeance

Skeld the Superstitious is, like most Vikings, batshit insane, but Skeld is particularly psychotic. He has a band of tattoos on his face, which he got because Herger told them that they meant "bad motherfucker." They actually mean "place jizz here." Skeld has yet to discover this fact.

Skeld the Facialed

There are eight other Norsemen in the party of thirteen warriors but they don't have lines or even screen time really. Their names are Rethel, Hrektul, Hrunkl, Krunkthul, Krummdull, Yrgyrr, Hyrkl, and Stinky.


"Did you cut one?"

"..."

"I hate you, Stinky."