Magic The Gathering is a collectible card game that attempts to emulate the battles between wizards known as "planeswalkers". I wish I could make it sound cooler, but it's really all downhill from there.
Magic The Gathering (MTG) was likely born through the same sequence of events that leads to countless autoerotic asphyxiation deaths every year: put simply, a mathematics grad student was bored.
Why couldn't you just play Magic!? WHY!?
Luckily though, Richard Garfield decided that death by closet wasn't the way for him to go, yet. After finding like-minded individuals that were equally ready to give up a few days of choking more than just their chicken, Magic The Gathering was born. Alright, sure it wasn't that simple, but you're here to laugh, so stop trying to masturbate to Wikipedia.
Mmm. I changed my mind, everyone masturbate to Wikipedia.
So, how could a game whose basis was founded on the principle that cardboard > masturbation = true go wrong? Simple, once it became successful, Garfield put this guy in charge of designing it: "Roseanne" TV writer Mark Rosewater.
The face of pure, unadulterated, evil. Also, Roseanne.
This "comedian" (I cannot stress those quotations enough) is responsible for the many rules changes, mind fucks, and rampant rise and fall of cardboard prices that MTG fans have come to expect. And yet, despite my many death threats, he continues to rant and rave about his family in his writings.
Angels won't protect your family's legs if this card goes up in price again, Mark.
After Mark Rosewater was hired, the game went through many fascinating and exciting changes in both game strategy and story telling. Unfortunately, I don't get paid enough to list them all here. So let's talk about the different types of Magic players instead. These are all courtesy of my enemy/ potential romantic comedy love interest Mark Rosewater.
Pictured: Vorthos. Not Pictured: Anything remotely cool.
Vorthos is essentially the nerd of the nerd kingdom. Perhaps after one too many defeats at the hand of a Spike, or as part of some kind of way to get "closer" to kids, the Vorthos spends his days studying the novels, the flavor text on cards, and the artwork to better immerse himself in the game's storyline. I'm all for dressing up like your favorite Avatar character, or for recreating the best scenes from Star Wars (the ones with incest), but I draw the line at jacking off to a card game's storyline.
OMG! One Pair is such a bitch. Will Five of a Kind ever find true love?
I love my job. I could get lost in those eyes for days.
Johnnies are the Christopher Lloyd's of Magic: they use mad science to try and make Spikes feel like douchebags. Their insanity knows no bounds; they put black cards in a deck with no black mana.
If When they make a tv show called Law and Order: MTG, Johnny will be the police officer with nothing to lose except his reputation for being the wild card. Whoa, pun not intended, until now. As a sidenote, I have no idea what the fuck a pun is.
I hope this is a pun, otherwise I'm screwed.
I'll put a real caption here after I'm done masturbating...
Timmies are the ones that bring a fifth grader's sensibilities to what really should be a fifth grader's game. They believe that Magic is all about having fun, and what "fun" is is left deliberately vague by Rosewater. This makes sense, as anything they do to the game can be justified as targeting the Timmy, even if no one in their right mind would find a card that costs fifty dollars "fun".
Seriously, Rosewater, do you care nothing for your family's legs?
And that's pretty much everything there is to know about Magic. Oh, and if you ever find yourself making fun of Magic, be careful because you never know who might be watching....
Trick question: he is. He always is.....