Magic The Gathering

Magic The Gathering is a collectible card game that attempts to emulate the battles between wizards known as "planeswalkers". I wish I could make it sound cooler, but it's really all downhill from there.

In Magic, you're either the pedophiler or the pedophiled.

This will only happen in your dreams.

Seriously though, look at that guy. No one is safe. It's best to just let his gaze penetrate your holes.

Just The Facts

  1. There are 5 colors in Magic The Gathering, and I don't have a funny joke about a single one.
  2. Like an awesome Japanese Horror movie, MTG roams the world slaughtering the sex lives of all of its participants.
  3. Tapping is both an MTG rules term and sexual innuendo. If you've ever combined the two it's OK, I only get laid using ether too.
  4. Magic The Gathering can also be played online, because minimal social interaction is the best kind of social interaction.

A Short History of Magic The Gathering

Magic The Gathering (MTG) was likely born through the same sequence of events that leads to countless autoerotic asphyxiation deaths every year: put simply, a mathematics grad student was bored.

Why couldn't you just play Magic!? WHY!?

Luckily though, Richard Garfield decided that death by closet wasn't the way for him to go, yet. After finding like-minded individuals that were equally ready to give up a few days of choking more than just their chicken, Magic The Gathering was born. Alright, sure it wasn't that simple, but you're here to laugh, so stop trying to masturbate to Wikipedia.

Mmmm Knowledge never hurt so good.

Mmm. I changed my mind, everyone masturbate to Wikipedia.

So, how could a game whose basis was founded on the principle that cardboard > masturbation = true go wrong? Simple, once it became successful, Garfield put this guy in charge of designing it: "Roseanne" TV writer Mark Rosewater.

The face of pure, unadulterated, evil. Also, Roseanne.

This "comedian" (I cannot stress those quotations enough) is responsible for the many rules changes, mind fucks, and rampant rise and fall of cardboard prices that MTG fans have come to expect. And yet, despite my many death threats, he continues to rant and rave about his family in his writings.

Angels won't protect your family's legs if this card goes up in price again, Mark.

After Mark Rosewater was hired, the game went through many fascinating and exciting changes in both game strategy and story telling. Unfortunately, I don't get paid enough to list them all here. So let's talk about the different types of Magic players instead. These are all courtesy of my enemy/ potential romantic comedy love interest Mark Rosewater.

Spike: The Perfect Mix of Winning and Virginity

No jokes. Just awe.

Spikes are the dicks of the nerd kingdom. They play to win, and whether you're six or sixty, they will fuck your understanding of the game with a ferocity that is equal parts horrifying and... well, horrifying.

His eyes are those of experience. Both in Magic and fucking your soul.

All he did was ask how to play magic. This was their response.

If you play Magic for too long though, there's really only two options: either assimilate and become a Spike yourself, or risk becoming something even worse.

Vorthos: Because if He Doesn't Touch Your Kids, Who Will?

Pictured: Vorthos. Not Pictured: Anything remotely cool.

Vorthos is essentially the nerd of the nerd kingdom. Perhaps after one too many defeats at the hand of a Spike, or as part of some kind of way to get "closer" to kids, the Vorthos spends his days studying the novels, the flavor text on cards, and the artwork to better immerse himself in the game's storyline. I'm all for dressing up like your favorite Avatar character, or for recreating the best scenes from Star Wars (the ones with incest), but I draw the line at jacking off to a card game's storyline.

OMG! One Pair is such a bitch. Will Five of a Kind ever find true love?

Johnny: Mad Science Never Tasted so Good

I love my job. I could get lost in those eyes for days.

Johnnies are the Christopher Lloyd's of Magic: they use mad science to try and make Spikes feel like douchebags. Their insanity knows no bounds; they put black cards in a deck with no black mana. If When they make a tv show called Law and Order: MTG, Johnny will be the police officer with nothing to lose except his reputation for being the wild card. Whoa, pun not intended, until now. As a sidenote, I have no idea what the fuck a pun is.

I hope this is a pun, otherwise I'm screwed.

Timmy: Let's Face It, Your Kid is Never Playing Sports

I'll put a real caption here after I'm done masturbating...

Too soon?

Timmies are the ones that bring a fifth grader's sensibilities to what really should be a fifth grader's game. They believe that Magic is all about having fun, and what "fun" is is left deliberately vague by Rosewater. This makes sense, as anything they do to the game can be justified as targeting the Timmy, even if no one in their right mind would find a card that costs fifty dollars "fun".

Seriously, Rosewater, do you care nothing for your family's legs?

And that's pretty much everything there is to know about Magic. Oh, and if you ever find yourself making fun of Magic, be careful because you never know who might be watching....

Trick question: he is. He always is.....