Manatees are a marine mammal notable for being fatter and less smart than dolphins and less gigantic than whales.

This is the history of the manatee.


FOOL! You only hasn't our doom!

Just The Facts

  1. Manatees resemble a combination between a pillow, a fish, a dolphin, and an elephant.
  2. Manatees are endangered, mostly because they are slow-moving and people like to run over them with fucking waterskis.
  3. A group of manatees are being paid more than you ever will, right now, to write episodes of South Park.
  4. The word "manatee" comes from the native Carribean word for "breast." Lawl.
  5. In the olden days, horny sailors may or may not have hilariously attempted to have intercourse with manatees, due to the fact that they *clearly* resemble mermaids.

Ok, So What IS A Manatee? AKA, The History Of The Manatee.

Basically, manatees are the cows of the sea. This may not be surprising given that the colloquial name for the manatee is "Sea Cow." Manatees live to eat. Their favorite foods are sea grasses, like kelp and shit like that.

Manatees are apparently related to elephants ( This is evident in the manatee's fin-toes that they have which are sort of like an elephant's, as well as the similarities in their skin.

The history of the manatee is short and boring, which is why I made a sick timeline in Gimp to sum it up. Basically, some elephants, not happy with their prehensile dongs, decided to turn into manatees. They proceeded to swim over to America, because America rules. Those manatees too lazy to move to America are now the West African Manatee. In America, manatees coexisted with the various indigenous peoples, who occasionally hunted them for their tough skin to make shields but mostly left them along because they taste awful and were damn hard to kill with spears or whatever they had. Eventually, the Europeans came over, killed all the locals, and proceeded to eat the shit out of manatees. Fun fact: people still ate manatees until around 1960. Nowadays, manatees are dangerously endangered, and people in Florida make a hobby out of running over the slow movie manatee with their boats and jetskiis.

And why should we give a damn?

Because, my friend, manatees are the leading cause of childhood obesity! You see, manatees, sick of being pushed around and being picked lass in animal gym class, have devised a way to make the human race pay for their wholesale slaughter of their people: mind control. That's right, mind control. Right now kids all over America are being mind controlled into being fat! Nobody knows how they do it, but it's clear that manatees have advanced more than the CIA had been led to believe. I mean, look at that picture. It could not be more obvious!

OK so manatees are destroying America, we have have guys working on that.

Thats what you think! You see, the rednecks who kill manatees for sport are only hastening the Fat-apocalypse. The manatees are pissed BECAUSE we kill them. The only way to stop the manatees from making the next generation look like Rosie O'Donnell is to either stop fucking with the manatees, OR kill them all before they have time to react.