Ah, yes. Balls. The word itself is very versatile in use. "Balls to the wall", "You're a real ball buster", and "Holy shit balls, he just got kicked right in the testicular region!".

Men have balls. But an awesome 'stache can compensate.

This is the only socially acceptable situation where you can mix little boys, and balls.

Just The Facts

  1. There are endless euphemisms for "Balls".
  2. One of which is "Nads". I just think that word is funny.
  3. -Insert Lady Gaga Joke Here-
  4. Balls are vulnerable. All women are born knowing this.
  5. Pissing a woman off will result in Testicular Trauma.
  6. Testicular Trauma is an awesome band name.

Lesson One: Defending your balls.

As I said earlier, your balls are vulnerable. Seriously. Don't try to test your Testicular Endurance. It will only end in tears, blood, and a very popular Youtube video.

A few things to keep in mind:

-Your balls are your friend. Respect them, keep them safe.

-"Balls to the wall" is an expression. Do not actually smack your junk against the wall.

-When it comes to men, our Brain and Balls are connected. When I say this, I'm referring to the reflex of crossing our legs when we see someone suffer nut damage.

In the words of Shakespeare:

"Always be prepared to defend thy nutsack."

A Man who knows the importance of defending thy nutsack.
Pictured: A man prepared to defend thy nutsack.

First things first, you have to develop your own tactic to keep your family jewels safe from any potential danger. A good method for protecting your junk would be to use your right hand to cover, and your left for more coverage and protection. Another good method for protecting ones balls, would be to purchase a sports cup. Sport cups are designed to keep excruciating ball pain from occuring, and as long as you wear one, you can rest assured that most nad threats are obsolite.

Lesson Two: Dealing With Potential Ball Bruising Threats.

Anyone who has watched AVF knows that where there are children, there is a man who is suffering from excrutiating ball pain. The best way to protect your balls from being crushed into non-exsistance, is to sit with one leg atop the other, while simotaineously covering your nads from arieal danger with your hands.

three dudes

Just like that guy in the middle. True example of an excellant ball saving technique.

Just like common sense, nad trauma precognition is something you're born with. Some people have it, some people don't. But when you're faced with multiple BCUs(Ball Crushing Units), it's best to avoid that disater entirely.


"Attention all units, we have two bogeys swaying down the hallway." "Initialize squeeze and rip sequence."

Kids are like addicting video games, you love them, but sometimes they just piss you off. It's like they love to see you on your knees beging for death. Little advise, if it is at all possible, you should avoid BCUs. That is if you want to avoid severe testicular trauma. I know I certainly do.

Lesson Three: Survivng Through The Pain

Just because you have been struck in the groin once, it doesn't mean you can't get hit again. The first thing a man does, when struck in the balls, is to caress his nads, close his eyes, and emit a shril scream. The first thing to learn here is to not close your eyes after your junk is inflicted with pain. Don't break eye contact untill your balls are safe. After you're hit, caress your poor testies and roll onto your knees. By doing so, you advert the damage to your kidneys, thus saving your balls from any more pain. From personal experience, I know that there is nothing that can stop testicle pain right away. Only time can mend your thrashed manberries. The only thing that helps you cope with pain in the groin is to breath deeply while simotaniously moaning. Sure it's stupid, riddiculous looking and pitiful, but it helps. Your choice, right?

nut shot

"What are you gonna do when your balls are smashed with a shoe, BROTHER!"

You kinda know you're fucked when you have friends who go fucking Hulk Hogan on your nuts with no remorse.

Lesson Four: Maintaining Good Testicular Health

The following steps will help you keep your hangdown healthy.

- Don't masterbate more than 3 times a day(if you do, your balls will slowly shrink and dry out(forever)).

-Perform a self-examination once a month, you want to watch for any irregular bumps, because testicular cancer is a scary bitch.

-Avoid testicular trauma at all costs.

-Your balls make you the man you are right now, so treat them with respect.

Follow these steps and you'll have healthy balls. You're welcome.