Assassin's Creed 2

The awe-mazing-some sequel to Ubisoft's best-selling video game, Assassin's Creed. Includes countless upgrades from the last game like prostitutes and hammers.

Our protagonist, Ezio Auditore. A character that everyone can relate to.

I wasn't kidding about the hammers.

This is a prostitute.

Just The Facts

  1. Play in Venice, Florence, Rome and Romagna.
  2. Fulfill your destiny as a member of the Assassin Clan.
  3. Solve the mystery behind the Pieces of Eden and discover The Truth.
  4. Swear as you accidentally jump off a tower and freefall to your death.
  5. Stab. Stabby Stab stab McStabbingston Stably. Stab your way to justice. And victory. And freedom. And for kicks.

Meet the Gang

Ezio Auditore da Firenze

Seriously though this is pretty much the only picture of Ezio on the web

Ezio is a sex machine Italian noble who pretty much just gets into fights and sleeps with chicks and defends his honor (with fists).

He's got a pretty good life in Florence until the Mafia Templars mess about everything up.

He goes super badass, but I can't spoil anything for you.

Que the face stabbing.

The Face Stabbing

Okay, that's not a face he's stabbing, but just look at the face. If he stabbed that, you wouldn't get that absolutely amazing expression.

There comes a point in every man's life where he just has to... kill everything in horrible brutal ways. It's almost the entire point of the game. This might not be a character in the original Communist definition, but in Assassin's Creed 2, you bond with your arsenal. More than you do with Ezio, or any of his friends or family. Except maybe...

Leonardo DaVinci da Firenze

Yes, that DaVinci.

At first it seems DaVinci is just a friend of the Auditore family and somewhat helpful. However, you will soon find out, he pretty much /is/ the afforementioned arsenal. He builds your face stabber, your second face stabber, he upgrades both, he builds you a face shooter, and a flying machine that's practically a reason to be a face kicker. It's possible that, despite his famous portraits of people, Leonardo DaVinci really hates faces.

Mario Auditore da Firenze

Expected reference to Nintendo is made.

Ezio's uncle and remainder (well... post templar intervention) of the Assassin's. Pretty much one of those characters who shows up, tells you how to kill, and doesn't become important until the end. Chekhov's Uncle?

The Rest

Left to Right: La Volpe, Ezio, Hooker, Antonio, Mario (just got a flame flower), Machiavelli (Yes, that one), the B man himself, and Hooker Nun.

La Volpe translates to The Fox. Guess what? So does Zorro. That should be enough explanation. Since it's about all we're given in game anyway.

Hooker 1: Paola: Teaches Ezio how to hid with her hooker fleet. Also hides his family while he... well spoilers aren't my style.

Antonio: Leader of the thieves guild in Venice. Notice that there's also a Fox (maybe Gray?). Subtle hint, or coincedence? Probably coincedence. You can use his Thieves to do what the hookers do, but with less flirting and more "Hey, get back here you punks!"

Machiavelli gets no explanation for even being present in the game other than "He was alive and in Italy at the time! Make him important!"

Bartolomeo is Mario Auditore with a named sword (No, not Vera) and a worse temper. You can use his mercernaries to get the same job done as the thieves and hookers. But with stabbing. Which makes them cooler.

Hooker Nun: Sister Teodora: She has hookers, but this time around she's a nun! Literally indistinguishable from Paola other than living in a different city and being a nun.

The Story withing the Story withing the Story

Now that parts all great, but that's all just in super fantasy dream world. IRL, you're Desmond Miles (actually IRL you're Aaron Howard [chances are you aren't Aaron Howard, but hey, when I can steal a joke from Yahtzee I will]) and you're in something called the Animus and blah blah none of it is important. Anything from the actually gameplay you enjoy, you will absolutely find dry in every way. There's a blonde chick named Lucy, a pissy Brit named Sean, and some Asian techy named Rebecca. They all chime in every once in two blue moons to tell you that /you're not really in idyllic renaissance Italy, but instead in Detroit Crapsack City Twenty Minutes into the Future.

Basically you can ignore all of it, except the part where the protagonist from the first game gets freaky with that chick that was the antagonist that... basically it's all just a stirfry of confusion and throwbacks.

The background is expanded with little glyphs that break the feel but add some interest to the Framing story.

In Summary

Assassin's Creed 2 has (but not limited to)

- Hugging Leonardo DaVinci

- Face Stabbing

- Back Stabbing

- Jumping, Climbing, Shenanigans

- All the glory of Renaissance Italy including hookers, corruptness, and annoying jesters

- The same idiots from the framing from the first game, but more stabbing as Desmond

- Back story!

- Italians.

- Hookers

- Infiltration into the Vatican which ends with...

- A fistfight with the Pope.

We at cracked don't endorse blank out of blank scales, or a number of stars, or percents, but the verdict for Assassin's Creed 2 is that it's really amazing with just a few idiotic issues. Go buy it. If you don't have an Xbox or Playstation go buy one of them. If you don't have money or a car, steal it. The cops will understand. They've seen Ghostbuters played Assassin's Creed.