Geoducks

The geoduck (pronounced "gooey duck") is a type of burrowing clam that inhabits the worst nightmares of Sigmund Freud.

Psychoanalysis: Freud wants to bone his mother, and also wishes to bone his father.

Go ahead. Pet it.

Just The Facts

  1. Geoducks are irrefutably shaped like dongs.
  2. Geoducks weigh about 2 pounds on average once they are fully-grown, and live up to 140 years.
  3. Mermaids use these to pleasure themselves.

Culinary Uses

According to Bubba Blue, they can be made into geoduck chowder, geoduck winter melon soup, geoduck fritters, geoduck steak, Pan-Asian geoduck scaloppini, geoduck patties, geoduck risotto, geoduck salad, geoduck sashimi, geoduck crudo...

Or, you can just eat a whole live one on fresh hotdog buns or a popsicle stick. *

The delicious Geodog. Mmmmm...

*Not recommended.

Appearances in Pop Culture

The geoduck has made cameo apperances in various Discovery Channel television shows such as Dirty Jobs, where it has been described as "the dirtiest thing Mike Rowe ever put in his hands." A geoduck is also the mascot for The Evergreen State College of Olympia, Washington. Experts speculate that this mascot choice is a form of compensation for the student body's relatively small penis size. However, some studies have been conducted which refute this theory, revealing that Evergreen students are in fact "hung like a geoduck."

The Evergreen Geoduck Maxim: "Let it all hang out!"

Medicinal Properties

It is popularly believed that geoducks can be used as an aphrodisiac via ingestion. However, this might be a misconception; researchers now posit that merely looking at the long, fleshy, throbbing body of a geoduck can cause arousal.

Also, various parts of the geoduck are presumed to: increase sperm count, cure infertility, cure erectile dysfunction, cure yeast infections, intensify mixoscopias, encourage a healthy circulation system, decrease the risk of cancer, increase the risk of anal seepage, cause mild to severe euphoria, and make you more of a man.*

*Probably not true.