John Wilmot

John Wilmot (1647-1680) was an Earl, poet/playwright, and a straight up pimp.

This guy had more sex in a month than you will have in your entire lifetime.

Just The Facts

  1. John Wilmot was the author of numerous poems and plays.
  2. They were all about sex.
  3. Wilmot was played by Johnny Depp in the 2005 movie "The Libertine".

Wait, who is this guy?

Chances are, you slept through the unit on Shakespeare in high school. And then again in college. And then fell asleep when your girlfriend made you watch Romeo and Juliet. Yes, Shakespeare and all those other hoity-toity English dudes wrote plays that are pretty much incomprehensible to the average person today...but a lot of those plays contain dialogue so raunchy that if they were to be aired on modern TV, you would have to watch it on the Spice Channel.

Out of all the dirty poets from the 16th and 17th centuries, John Wilmot is by far the most graphically filthy. Don't believe us? Go rent "The Libertine" starring Johhny Depp, which is based on the life of John Wilmot. Here's the opening of the film, just to give you a taste of what Wilmot was like.

Yeah, John Wilmot was one raunchy dude. He had sex with women, men, practically anything with a pulse. Hell, if he was alive today, he'd probably be a registered sex offender. At one point, he took a break from writing and toured the country as "Doctor Bendo", advertising his services as a gynecologist and curer of infertility (generously donating his own sperm to young women in need). He's like Howard Stern, Evan Stone, and Quagmire all rolled into one.


Wilmot wrote a poem called "Signior Dildo", which includes lines like

"The pattern of virtue, Her Grace of Cleveland,
Has swallowed more pricks than the ocean has sand;
But by rubbing and scrubbing so wide does it grow,
It is fit for just nothing but Signior Dildo."

He also wrote another poem about the King of England that was so raunchy that Wilmot was ultimately banned from court.

"Sodom, or the Quintessence of Debauchery"

"Sodom, or the Quintessence of Debauchery", is attributed to Wilmot by most scholars. These same scholars will tell you that the play is worthy of study because it is satire of King Charles II's 1672 Declaration of Indulgence, which ensured religious toleration, which is a great cover for any dude who just wants to read some nasty 17th century porn.

The plot of the play is simple: the king wants all of his subjects to have lots of sex. Especially anal sex. So basically, it's a play about what would happen if Ron Jeremy became king of the world.

The cast includes characters with such subtly sexual names as CUNTIGRATIA, BUGGERANTHUS, CLITORIS, FUCKADILLA (who we're are pretty sure is supposed to be some kind of naked lady Godzilla), and CUNTICULA (who we think is a lady vampire with fangs in her vagina).

The first scene of the second act starts with this bit of stage direction: "Six naked women and six naked men appear, and dance, the men doing obeisance to the women's cunts, kissing and touching them often, the women doing ceremonies to the men's pricks, kissing them, dandling their cods, etc., and so fall to fucking, after which the women sing, and the men look simple and sneak off."

The scene then continues with a sex-scene between Princess Swivia and Prince Prickett. The princess asks the prince to whip it out for her to inspect, and they play a little game of "You show me yours and I'll show you mine". The language is straightforward enough that you probably don't need a translation:

Let's see how much 'tis grown?
By heavens, a neat one! Now we are alone,
I'll shut the door, and you shall see my thing.
Strange how it looks-methinks it smells like ling:
It has a beard, yes, and a mouth all raw-
The strangest creature that I ever saw.
Are these the beasts that keep men so in awe?


SWIVIA: Oh wow. Your dick is HUGE. Hey, we're alone. You wanna see me naked?

PRICKETT: Oh, so that's what a vagina looks like? It smells like a Tauntaun, and it's about as hairy as one, too. Or kind of like the Saarlac pit, actually. Um, is this really what dudes are so crazy for? Because I'm not sure I want to stick my lightsaber in there, if you know what I mean.

Then Prickett reveals he's a virgin, and needs her help figuring out where to stick his raging boner.

I am a stranger to these unknown parts,
And never versed in love's obliging arts.
Pray guide me, I was ne'er this way before.
There, can't you enter now, you've found the door.
I'm in, I trow. It is as soft as wool.
Thrust then, and move it up and down, you fool.

Oh. Did we mention that Prince Prickett and Princess Swivia are siblings? Yeah. They totally are.

What is the cast of the Pirates porno up to these days? Someone should have them start production on a version of this play immediately.