The Mohawk is a hairstyle meant to show how "rebellious" or "independent" you are. What it really does is make you look like a douchebag who can't get a job.

Just The Facts

  1. It's a hairstyle where the head is shaved except for one strip down the middle.
  2. It's supposed to be "punk".
  3. It's really fucking gay.

Cracked on Mohawks

The Mohawk is a hairstyle where you shave your head save for a tiny strip which is usually spiked up with gel. It became popular in the 1980s as a part of the punk culture. It looks really fucking dumb.

People with Mohawks are usually (A) stupid, (B) want to be punk, (C) lesbians (if female), or (D) all of the above. The Mohawk will effectively prevent you from ever getting a job that pays above minimum wage, and will keep you out of any respectable college. But fuck the man, right??

Mohawks vs Age

While it is never OK to have a Mohawk, it's certainly better for some than others. Parents, talk to your kids about the dangers of Mohawks, and refer to this chart.

Where to have a Mohawk

There are certain places where a Mohawk may be socially acceptable, and certain places where it's not so much.


Punk Rock Concerts - There are many other douches just like you, where you can talk about Mohawks and feel each other's Mohawks. You should feel right at home.

Drug Deals - No one here will care about your hair, as long as you just give them your money. So you're good to go!

Jail - Having a Mohawk in jail shows that you're really hardcore and no one will want to mess with you, especially if you're white, non-muscular, and under 25!


Court - Having a giant wall of green hair doesn't do much to prove you innocent.

Funerals - No, even if it's dyed black, your Mohawk will not serve as a sign of respect.

Leaving a Barbershop - Somewhere in there, someone said something stupid.