Donkey Kong

Donkey Kong is a series of video games by Nintendo created by Shigeru Miyamoto which features the titular protagonist/antagonist doing such things as throwing barrels to collecting Jiggies...I mean bananas.

Hockey champ since pigs fucking fly in the Donkey Kong series. One game at least.

Just The Facts

  1. Donkey Kong first appeared in 1981 along with Mario, effectively jumpstarting the career of Miyamoto.
  2. He is not a rip-off of King Kong. A court case settled that dispute.
  3. Barrels: They are your slaves and your masters. Also they're as important as a hitchhiker's towel.

The 1980s-In the Beginning

From the start DK became an unlikeable character. He throws barrels and smiles at you like he lives a satisfying life, like that guy who shows up at your house and drinks all your soda. These are two characteristics he maintains nearly thirty years later.

"Got anything to drink?"

Donkey Kong

DK begins his angst by kidnapping Pauline (not Princess Peach) and taking her to a dark void with only girders, ladders, oil drums, and living fucking fire. Mario (a.k.a. Jumpman) steps in to fight the ape five times his size. Donkey Kong, the pascifist (or complete retard), decides to attack him with barrels. To truly see the implications of this logic, watch Egoraptor's Awesome Kong in the Awesome Compilation Vol. 4.www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/406196 Fuck. So DK is thrown off the side of a skyscraper and Mario saves his girlfriend. Now the tables turn.

Donkey Kong Jr. and Donkey Kong 3

Overwhelmed by that natural human urge to torture dumb animals, Mario (a.k.a. Mario) puts DK in a cage

and taunts his only motherless son.Mario was drunk. The red cheeks prove it.

So his son, a dumbass in a white leotard steps in to help. Long story short, they win. Mario says: "Fuck this, I'm adopting a brother and getting a new girlfriend." While Mario and his green palette swap appear in Mario Bros. (and the way cooler Super Mario Bros.) and DK Junior learns math so he can get a life Donkey Kong somehow aquires the power to control hornets like The Pain from Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater.

A world of anquish beyond your imagination.

Yellow Ranger?

So after disowning his bastard son he takes a pleasure cruise to fuck shit up. Or wait, he went to a guy's greenhouse to make life worse for a guy who is Mario's cousin. Is that fucked up? He decides to hunt down Mario's relatives to enact revenge. He wants to eliminate his loved one's then confront him again. This is one cold-blooded monkey. Mario's cousin, Stanley the Bugman is your typical guy with barely any knowledge on how to fight a hornet-controlling gorilla who has gone apeshit.

Note the resemblence.

Stanley has insecticide spray. I repeat, Stanley has insecticide spray. With this impractical weapon he defeats DK, who retires then contracts Werner's Syndrome.

Old Kong

This is when he marries an equally old ape whose physical condition worsens as his improves throughout the series. More on that as I go along.

The 1990s-The Real Good Games

In the Mid-90s a British video game developer started making more Donkey Kong games. They were mostly known for Battletoads and Killer Instinct (and nowadays for Banjo-Kazooie and Viva Pinata). They were Rareware and it was time for them to shine with a trilogy of games called Donkey Kong Country. Shigeru Miyamoto initially didn't like the game. He said: "Donkey Kong Country proves that players will put up with mediocre gameplay as long as the art is good". Then the game sold over a mollion copies and so did its sequels. So Miyamoto apologized then shut the fuck up. DKC was really the only way Super Nintendo owners could say: "Fuck Playstation." Then Resident Evil came out so all the Playstation owners had one more reason (out of like 20) to say "Fuck Nintendo". Sega still had Sonic the Hedgehog but...fuck Sonic.

Fuck everything you know and love.

Donkey Kong Country

DK retires to numerous physically identical cabins on a sub-tropical island called Donkey Kong Island.

Home, sweet, WTF

Since DK is now suddenly old and likes to lose temper a lot, he goes by Cranky Kong. Get it? He's old, and stuff. Well, he is a primate so after fifteen years and two incidents with Mario he'd probably have aged a little. He's still alive right now. So now he has a good-for-nothing son/grandson named Donkey Kong (who is rumored to have worn a white leotard at one time). The new DK is your typical douchebag.

He eats bananas, has a girlfriend named Candy Kong (not shitting you), and spends his day working out while his giant boombox blasts 90s hip-hop. Meanwhile his father/grandfather is physically exhausted from his encounters with Mario. He is now confined to a rocking chair and can't really do anything besides rock back and forth as well as hit DK on the head with a stick. DK also has a nephew/vulnrable younger friend to hang out with. This new buddy is Puff Daddy...or was it P. Diddy? Just Diddy? Oh yeah, Diddy Kong.

Maybe he's the son of Funky Kong, the airport operator/surfer/American or Jamaican stereotype in ape form. Truly funky.

Ya mon

Well anyway a hoard of bananas NOT MADE OF FUCKING GOLD is in DK's possesion. So gets Diddy to watch over them in the night. You know, since they're in a cave which has a tree growing out of it with a house attached. Natural land formation my friends. Oh and by the way there's a sign labeled "banana hoard" right at the entrance. Gaurding it with a monkey in a ballcap...from what? Oh ask away. So Diddy falls asleep like any irresponsible person at night. Long story in the instruction booklet short, Diddy drops the ball and now the bananas have been stolen. So now a new race of enemies is revealed. Kremlings; a reptilian race adept at one thing: fucking shit up.

Krusha. Not to be confused with Kruncha, Krumple, or Kasplat.

And things only got worse in the second game...

They are a society with a monarch. This ruler is King K. Rool. Get it? He's cruel because he steals bananas.

Also he has one bloodshot eye. Cause that's evil...and cruel.

So DK has to free Diddy from a barrel (ha ha ha...no way) and set off to take back his bananas. Even though many may be rotten or perhaps he doesn't realize he lives in a jungle where bananas grow all around him. I don't know if that last part is true but it sounds plausible. The Kongs travel through a jungle, a mine that is mostly caves, a forest with pine trees and an Ewok village,snowy montains, a factory, more caves, and finally a pirate ship called the Black Pearl. Sorry, I mean the Gangplank Galleon, sorry. Oh did I forget to mention Kremlings are pirates? Yes they are pirates. Despite this, DK and Diddy can fight them witrh barrels (since this IS Donkey Kong) and animals that you break out of...wait for it...crates. These are all nice friendly animals like a rhino, a giant tarantula, flying ostrich, a rattlesnake, parrots, and a swordfish to name a few. They are the Yoshis of DKC and are called Animal Buddies. Don't believe me? Look at this fucking snake.

Not a Kremling

Not a Koopa

So the Kremlings aquire the help of other malevolent creatures like beavers, vultures, rats, snakes (that aren't Kremlings for some reason), Great White Sharks, and octopi. Long story short the Kongs win and get their bananas back. To me DKC is The Big Lebowski of video games.

Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest

The above title is not a typo. An undetermined amount of time has passed now. This is a Nintendo game and has no real timeline to speak of unless it happens to be Metroid or The Legend of Zelda. DK, seeing as how the entire race of reptilian pirates is deemed NOT a threat, decides to take a random vacation like most douchebags without jobs. Myself not withstanding. So a group of Kremlings comes around and fucking kidnap DONKEY FUCKING KONG. And they smashed his beach chair. How many were involved in the altercation? Was there just a handful of crocs squaring off with the Kongster while one guy held back to smash furniture? Or was it just those two I pictured above? Krusha and Klubba could probably fuck up enough business with a giant beaver on hand. Without much effort they take the Gangplank Galleon back to port on their home island of Crocodile Isle. This is like Mario all over again. So now we see the piracy involved in the society of Kremlings. Just to prove how serious he is about this pirate business, K. Rool takes on the identity of Kaptain K. Rool.

Now, we've established they have a pirate ship, pirate captain, and a crew of...well fuck me pirates. Its interesting to note that Crocodile Isle isn't even that far away from Donkey Kong Island. A stone's throw at best since you can see it from the shore. And not on the horizon either, you could see someone waving at you. What is Diddy doing? Walking along the beach with his new girlfriend. Then he sees a cordial letter and the adventure begins! His girlfriend is named Dixie Kong and can fly using her ponytail. Ah, no. I do not accept that. Not at all.

So she's really the only useful Kong in this situation. Everyone else is either tied up or old. Speaking of the elderly, Cranky Kong is still no help. He now completely avoids his wife and runs a Monkey Museum. This museum has nothing to do with any damn monkeys aside from the three that frequent it. Here he still gives advice for levels in a platformer which only gets into Mega Man or Contra's level of difficulty if you give enough of a damn to tackle the Lost World. Oh but look at this! He doesn't need a rocking chair anymore. He can now stand with the aid of two canes. Meanwhile his wife is hunched over with that same elderly stance. Anyway pirates!

So Sean Colmes and Dixie Kong set out to save their douchebag uncle/best friend/possible brother from the clutches of K. Rool. Their adventure takes them through many worlds which all involve the same cartoony enemies. The first DKC was bad about bringing back two bosses and making them more irritating. DKC2 brings back a boss from DKC, renames it, and again makes it more irritating since you play as Squawks the Parrot. Then they bring the first boss back fom the dead when you didn't even kill it. So after tangling with a possesed sword, among other things they reach K. Rool's Keep, which is audaciously placed on the very top of a mountain like its saying "Fuck you, Sean Colmes! I'm a goddamn castle and you can't stop me!"

Of course the castle isn't the real enemy here. When Sean Colmes and Dixie reach the top, DK is hoisted up to an airship where K. Rool awaits you...

Oh wait another level, with a fucking racing game involved with Squawks. I'm cool with Squawks and all, but Rambi and Engaurde actually know how to move with I don't know speed without tapping the A Buttuon.

So then the final fight. K. Rool has a musket that shoots cannonballs and poisonous clouds of gas that impair body function. And we are a pair of monkeys with only sub-par acrobatic skills at our disposal. However, DK finally frees himself and upper-fucking-Shoryuken-Star-Tiger-Falcon Punch-five fingered-Sanford & Son knuckle sammich-cuts Kaptain K. Rool through the roof of the airship and into the ocean where sharks pomptly swim up and begin devouring him.

Plus

Times

Equals one of the best ways to defeat an arch nemesis. That list will be forthcoming I hope I think this should be number 6; behind double rocket launcher to the head-volcano combo and ahead of letting a deadly retrovirus do all the work for you. There's a secet ending (fuck you K. Rool's Keep!) but K. Rool survives. Wow.

Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong's Double Trouble

Aw man. So I realize this series is not very interesting. Let me break it down for you: Do you know why I'm writing a Donkey Kong topic article on Cracked? Because I'm a DK fan who is an avid reader of this website. I have to insert a great deal of not only information but I also have to be humorous and make pop culture references. Had I posted this on one of the four Donkey Kong fansites it might have been rejected. Granted, Donkey Kong Universe (or DK Vine) would have given it one glance.

Anyway. So Sean Colmes and Sysco...okay I'm weirding myself out now...uh Diddy and DK get kidnapped? Ape-napped? By Kremlings who aren't pirates? No way. As it tuns out Dixie loves her boyfriend enough to go to the Northern Kemisphere (ha ha fucking no way pun) to see the entie Kong Family, who have already moved there. Well, you can't fight Kremlings unless you're in a group of two or five people. So she goes to see the funkiest monkey this side of Detroit (that is Funky Kong by the way) who has downgraded to a boat shop. Thee he suggests a new companion who turns out to be a cousin she has NEVER FUCKING MET.

This is Kiddy Kong. He is by explanation a "toddler" and by definition a "bullshit relative of your girlfriend with the same last name as you". He is a cross between Baby Mario and DK. Oh wait, Baby DK already exists.

But he rolls like DK and has the unique ability to skip across water like a stone. If they combined all of the DKCs most of the water levels would end the minute you play as Kiddy. But they don't. Because he is about as helpful as a cross between Baby Mario, Big Earl from Toejam & Earl, Ashley Graham from RE4, Captain Qwark from Ratchet and Clank, and Mighty Joe Young. I'm blowing my own mind with a Donkey Bong!

Whew, sorry about that. I get worked up sometimes...Anyway so they run around doing the same things most of the Donkey Kong series entails (spoiler: someone stole their bananas and kidnapped DK and Diddy). Also the Northern Kremisphere is inhabited by bears. Stephen Colbert would probably want that area nuked or something. If not for the bears then maybe because even snowmen want you dead. After a brief revelation that the villian might NOT be K.Rool, you run around more levels until K.Rool makes his appearance. Is he a monarch? Is he a pirate captain? No he's just a mad scientist named Baron K. Roolenstein.

Kind of a downgrade. First he was a king, then a captain, and now a scientist. What's happening here? Is he trying to extend his resume? Also, when did he have hair? He's a reptile for Christ's sake. Upon looking closely you'll see he has pens in his coat pocket. Here's a quick question: how the hell is he going to write something with those gigantic hands? Anyway, it turns out he was the mastermind of this and that and he is defeated. Also there was something about banana birds. They freak me out so I won't bother going into any details. But lets just say a giant egghell is enough to stop K. Rool. I could have sworn an epic uppercut followed by being devoured by sharks stil gave him enough inertia to fight. What was an eggshell going to do? Was it suposed to be the E-rated equivulant of a giant piece of bird crap hitting him in the face? Then again I tend to think its got something to do wih how underwhelming Kiidy and Dixie are. If you've ever played DKC3 recall that the game over scren was Kiddy and Dixie sitting a crib unhurt. Is that all? When they get captured to the Kremlings just look at Kiddy and go: "Well he is a baby.." and just refuse hurt them? In the first DKC, the game over screen was DK and Diddy covered in bruises and bandages. They got the living shit kicked out of them. In DK2, Diddy and Dixie are thrown in the brig. So a crib is the ultimate prison for a pair of apes?

Anyway, the ninties resumed as the Nintendo 64 hit the market and began releasing various games. The first relevant one was Diddy Kong Racing, which was something enjoyed to this day since they heaply rereleased it for the Nintendo DS. After that we see DK return in Super Smash Bros. and oh wait I forgot Mario Kart 64. Anyway nothing really happened to the series until late in 1999...which I'll just put in the next section since this one was way too long.

The 2000s-DK Faces Hard Times

Late in 1999, Rare released a continuation of the DKC trilogy. I honestly think it deserves an award for its title: Donkey Kong 64. Wow. I mean its not totally original but...

Oh wait, yeah. Just about every N64 game had a title like that because the gimmick was always better than a subtitle. Now we make the jump into 3D platforming where Mario and many other games had already treaded ground. So K.Rool, now a king again, decides "To hell with Donkey KOng and his friends I'm going to blow up their entire island. But before I do that I'll kidnap anyone who could stop me...except Donkey Kong."

Sigh...

I'll admit that, like Mario, DK has hardly any plot or contiuity to speak of but come on. Come the fuck on. He wants to blow up the island, so he takes initiative by creating a superlaser to pull it off. Then he just kidnaps the people he wants dead. You'd think maybe he was going to go ahead and blow up their island while forcing them to watch, then kill them. But no he cages them in different worlds where they can't see it. Alright that was mistake number one. Mistake number two was not kidnapping DK.

Out of these five who would you NOT kidnap?

Better question: if you had the means to kidnap all five of them...wouldn't you just do it?

These are Kremlings we're dealing with if that means anything. They kidnapped him twice in the past. Third times the charm, right? Or did they hang back because DK was too busy doing one-handed push-ups? Also they stole the bananas which are now conveniently made of gold. Oh yeah they had to get the bananas too. DK was only a stone's throw away. Just throw a net on him. The was one more tiny mistake...putting the aforementioned superlaser on a giant mechanical island thats big, black, and shaped like a crocodile. That stick out, especially if the park it only a few meters away from DK Island. Also the craft has a few design flaws. Like the fact its driven and controlled by this:

There's just a Klaptrap running in a giant hamster wheel while two other Kremlings argue over which direction they should go. Is that even a good thing? Whatever, its a long game with a lot of bananas so in the end you know what happens: Funky Kong saves the day.

I'm not shitting you.

Also Wrinkly Kong died. And yes, Cranky doesn't miss her.

Donkey Kong on the Gamecube

It was not too long into the following generation of consoles that Rare was bought out by Microsoft. This is considered by many to be a very bad move. Mostly since Nintendo promptly decided they always had their version of DK but were bitter that Rare's version was so much more popular, so they made several games called Donkey Konga. These games had a bongo peripheral and were really only decent in Japan since they put in songs from J-pop bands and anime.

But Funky Kong was stilll the shit.

Damn straight. But Nintendo thought they needed a platformer like DKC to attract people and make them play bongos at the same time, thus Donkey Kong Jungle Beat came to pass. It was a game where DK's physical strength was displayed to its fullest...and he did really violent shit like this:

Let's just say in three seconds that fish isn't tasting shit anymore. It wasn't a huge departure from the series but has earned the ire of its fans due to its lack of DKC elements. Well it wasn't missing bananas, that's for damn sure.

Anyway it was a game where DK beat the shit out of everything, including a panda bear in a tutu because he's taking on anyone really. I don't even remember if that game had a plot. It was missing a lot of things including the most important thing.

DK, Diidy, Dixie, Tiny, and even Funky began showing up in various Mario sports titles while the main series settled for portable outings that play like Clu Clu Land, which any classic Nintendo fan can tell you is not a good thing. So the Wii came along and not much changed for the DK crew. Well DK did get to be the final bout in Punch-Out!!.I don't really consider that anything special since in the Mario baseball games DK plays baseball with boxing gloves. So he even with physical prowess and awesome uppercuts he has to suck at boxing.

Indeed he does. Maybe if he brought a baseball bat to the ring he would have had a chance.

After participating in the Winter Olympic Games DK seemed to give everyone the impresion for him and his fans the 2010s were going to suck as much as the previous decade.

The 2010s-Donkey Kong Country Returns

At E3 2010 a new DK was announced for the Wii with much fanfare. It was aptly titled Donkey Kong Country Returns and was well probably best thing thing to happen to the series since...fifteen years ago.

Everyone is excited to see DK and Diddy romping around again. Hell, it might even be great rebirth of the series. Only time will tell, and I'm probably not going to update this thing till it comes out.

And when it does, it'll be on like Donkey Kong. Bitches.