Pastafarianism is a religion practiced by millions, if not dozens of people all around the internet. It is the belief that an invisible, flying, spaghetti monster created the universe with his noodly appendages.
In the beginning, there was a mountain, a tree, and a midget. The FSM accidently created these things in a drunken fit. After recovering from his hangover, he gave the midget a stripper and left the earth to go up to heaven and make some epic pasta. When he returned to check up on the little dude, thousands of years had passed and pirates roamed the seven seas. The FSM loved their carefree lifestyle, and dubbed them his chosen people.
Evolution is nothing but I clever ruse put in place by the FSM to test his followers faith. To be clear, evolution DID happen, but was guided at every turn by our noodly overlord.
Global Warming, however, is a very real and serious threat. The declining number of pirates since the eighteenth century has cause a drastic change in global temperatures. This is the FSM showing us that he disaproves of our technology dependent society and lack of grog and wenches.
Gravity is a force caused by the FSM placing his noodly appendages upon us in order to hold us firm to the ground, less we float off to heaven before our time and harsh his mellow. This also accounts for the increase in global average height of the last few centuries. The higher our population, the less noodly appendages to go 'round.
Take that science.
1. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like a Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don't Believe In Me, That's Okay. Really, I'm Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn't About Them So Don't Change The Subject.
2. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I Don't Require Sacrifices, And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not People.
3. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And Get This In Your Thick Heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person. Samey = Samey. One Is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We're Talking About Fashion And I'm Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal and Fuchsia.
4. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. As For Anyone Who Might Object, I Think The Expression Is Go F*** Yourself, Unless They Find That Offensive In Which Case They Can Turn Off the TV For Once And Go For A Walk For A Change.
5. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The B******.
6. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Build Multimillion-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick):
1. Ending Poverty
2. Curing Diseases
3. Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable.
I Might be a Complex-Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy The Simple Things In Life. I Ought To Know. I AM the Creator.
7. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Go Around Telling People I Talk To You. You're Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can't You Take A Hint?
8. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot Of Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas. If The Other Person Is Into It, However (Pursuant To #4), Then Have At It, Take Pictures, And For The Love Of Mike, Wear a CONDOM! Honestly, It's A Piece Of Rubber. If I Didn't Want It To Feel Good When You Did IT I Would Have Added Spikes, Or Something.
Bobby Henderson, also known as "B-Dawg", is considered the messiah/prophet of the modern Pastafarian church. When he wrote his open letter to the Kansas State Board in May of 2005 he made it okay for other pastafarians to feel free in discussing Him and their faith. He has scribed the gospel of the Pastafarian church, created a website where pastafarians gather, and is in the process of building a pirate ship church. No. Seriously.