Oliver The Oracle

Oliver the Oracle is an astrologer on Twitter. He gives startlingly rude predictions about people's lives.

Just The Facts

  1. Oliver does not believe in Astrology.
  2. Quote: "I was trained in the ancient and powerful art of Astrology by Madame Mudo, an obese Jamaican woman who often appears to me in my dreams."
  3. Quote: "I predict the future by interpreting the movements of the stars and planets in conjunction with the heavy use of psychoactive drugs."

The Jist

Oliver the Oracle gives daily horoscopes for each of the 12 Zodiac signs via Twitter and his website. Some samples:

SAGITTARIUS - "You are the sort of person who keeps spammers in business."

SCORPIO - "People like having you around for about an hour and a half, then your exuberance and need for attention become grating on the nerves."

LIBRA - "You're going to spend a great deal of your life trying to explain things to morons."

GEMINI - "Shut up Gemini. Just shut the fuck up."

PISCES - "The silver lining to this cloud is that you will not be alone. The world is full of unhappy mediocre people."

AQUARIUS - "One or both of your parents probably didn't give you enough love..."

CAPRICORN - "Among your peers, you are notorious for sucking the fun and happiness out of a room."

VIRGO - "This abundance of positive reinforcement shaped you into the conceited bitch you are today."

LEO - "Leos are supposed to be confident...yet here you are trying to learn something about yourself from a weird-looking stranger on the internet. Shame on you."

CANCER - "You are not as intelligent or charming as you think you are and you will never improve."

TAURUS - "Despite what Oprah may tell you, belief in yourself is not sufficient for success in most endeavors."

ARIES - "When you know you're wrong, you won't admit it, and when you know you're right, you're actually quite often wrong."