Merkin

A merkin is a pubic wig.

That's right!

Just The Facts

  1. A merkin adheres to the body through the use of sorcery.
  2. "AMerkin" is a jocular term for Americans in other english speaking countries.

HISTORY OF THE MERKIN

Long before Neanderthals and Early Modern Humans harnessed the power of fire, despite what you may have heard their chief concern was modesty. More specifically, what are we gonna do to keep our genitals warm, safe and fashionable. Once that's was out of the way, we'll get around to that whole food thing. Since those days we've found a variety of ways to adorn our most precious of places, as well as a number of reasons and occasions to do so. Today we'll concern ourselves with one of them, namely the Merkin.
The Merkin is said to trace back to the around 1617. First used by prostitutes for two main reasons. Firstly, to combat pubic lice by shaving off all hair and replacing that with a wig as the bare look wasn't hot until after the 80's. This reason that is both incredibly disturbing and considerate at once. Secondly, to cover up horrible STD's, which will never, ever bring sexy back, but can be remarkably cute and marketable.
Years later, thanks to the advent of medicine and preventive measures like abstinence (begin derisive laughter now) sex is now safer, but no thanks to the puritanical nature of our society prostitutes are no longer a common social norm and the Merkin went out of style. Thanks progress!
However, being a tenacious little invention the Merkin would not go quietly into the night. No sir! It soon found service in the film industry and not the porn industry mind you, but the actually "reputable" film industry as a method for actors and actresses alike to appear fully naked without actually being completely naked, or due to the actor or actress having insufficient pubic hair. In a sense it was a special effect. This was also done as a way for the film to receive a lower rating from the MPAA.
Monitoring the Pubic Area for America
Monitoring the Pubic Area for America
Let's take a break here and go into the absurdity corner for a moment shall we kiddies?
Think about this for a moment. This means the MPAA has watched movies with full frontal nudity, measured, tasted, wrote fan fiction about and counted the seconds a testicle or vagina appears on screen and subsequently gave an NC-17 rating so often directors have just started slapping scrotum wigs on Viggo Mortensen. Which Doesn't explain how Eastern Promises got away with an R rating. This means either the illusion of nudity is safer than actual nudity, or the MPAA is staffed by excessive-pubic-hair-fetish-loving perverts.
Somehow taints are ok for everyone under 17
If you watch it. You will see his taint.
The Merkin has also found use in Burlesque entertainment and erotica, which only proves that Burlesque is the most pretentious and at the same time arrousing form of erotica known to man.

THE SORDID RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE MERKIN AND CINEMA

Apart from being an actual effect used in motion pictures the Merkin has had some success as an in-joke as well. Such as...
  • Stanley Kubrick's Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb the name of the President, played by Peter Sellers is Merkin Muffley. This is akin to naming you character Dick Johnson, Rod Peters or Zac Efron.
  • Or the film Can Heironymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness?

COMMON SLANG TERMS FOR THE MERKIN I JUST MADE UP

Dirty Derby
Taco Toupee
Muffin Top
Beaver Bonnet
The Curly Cod
Betty Beard
Pickle Peek-a-boo
Faux Fuzz
Boner Beanie
Ballsack Beret
Bush Bowler
The Fuzzy Fez
Leonard Maltin
Conch Chin Strip
Hairy Fedora
The Scrotum Faux Fro
Snapper Trapper
Soul Patch for the Whole Snatch