Racoons

While we here at Cracked don't venture outside the safety of our basements all that often, each and every one of us has had the horrifying experience of dealing with a raccoon, rabid or not. The experience usually entails of us taking another bag of

Proof.

Just The Facts

  1. Raccoons seem extremely cute and cuddly and look like animals that little girls wanna play with. They will claw your face if you try to pet them.
  2. They think tomatoes taste awful
  3. If they get into your garbage can at night, you're screwed.

That's not a bandit, it's a raccoon! Same thing...

If you ever ask someone about random trivia for a raccoon, they're gonna tell you the same things:

  • Raccoons are nocturnal
  • They're smart
  • They don't like being treated like house pets
  • They want your garbage

Whoever this person is, tell them to do some research and stop getting their information from sterotypical cartoons. Some of the things you hear about raccoons are actually untrue.

What are you doing up at this ungodly hour?

First of all, raccoons aren't nocturnal...well, not all of them! Raccoons love food. They love YOUR food. And they will do almost anything to get their paws on your grub. Even if that means staying up while the sun is out.

Baby Raccoons! by stark_core.

"It's freakin' hot out here" "Who cares? We're getting food!"

Yup, they're that greedy.

We should set a trap! No way, raccoons are smart, they'll figure it out

A lot of people say that raccoons are pretty smart. And they are. But every now and then, raccoons can prove to be pretty stupid:

Did you see that?

That's like a cry for help! That raccoon obviously seemed desperate just to get a nut. Did you see how he stuck his head in there? That was the freakin' best part!

"Aww, how cut-" "Touch me, and you'll regret it"

Do raccoons really despise being treated like house pets? Some do actually. Here's a transcript of what would happen if you were out in the woods, and you wanted to take home a pet raccoon:

Me: Wow, it's a beautiful day in the woods! Aww, it's a raccoon! It's so adorable. Come here, little guy! (tries to pick it up) You're coming home with--(picks it up)

(In a cloudy area)

Me: WTF? How did I get here?

God: Oh, you just died. Welcome to heaven

Me: What?! How did I die?

God: Why don't we watch it? (Plays a tape of me getting mauled by a raccoon)

Me: Oh my god, that's what happened?

God: Yes, but you have taught us an important lesson, though. Never try to take a raccoon home.

So, yes it's true. Most raccoons don't like being treated as pets. Most.

If you were a raccoon, would you rather be in a nice home where people feed you and you don't get shooed away?

Or would you continue to live in the wilderness where you have to strive to get food in order to survive?

I choose the first option. Raccoons can be kept as pets, but they are extremely hard to train. In some states in the U.S, you have to have a permit to own a raccoon. If you don't, and you somehow have a raccoon, anyway, you can say goodbye to it.

They also have to get neutered or they're gonna get pissed at you during mating season. And that would suck.

"Now, shut up and eat your garbage"

It's said that raccoons absolutely love garbage.

Actually, think of it like this, they eat garbage because that's what they have to settle for.

Yes, unfortunately raccoons are unable to find a good restaurant in the woods and I don't believe they have enough money to buy caviar, so they decide to eat garbage instead.

This one is a little more self-explantory.

It's either garbage or they die. And nobody wants a raccoon to die--not from starvation at least. Maybe roadkill or something, so their fur can be used to make clothes. It's soft.