The Royal Family

The Royal Family are the Windsors of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. There are some other royal families around the world, but no one cares about them. How to spot a royal:

The Queen has bred radioactive Corgis. She is an evil genius and must be stopped.

Just The Facts

  1. The current royal family is called the Windsors.
  2. They are more German than most people who live in Germany.
  3. They are completely bonkers.


The royal family can trace its lineage back to 1066 when William the Conquerer invaded England. Since then there have been 42 monachs from eight different houses. Most of them were completely nuts. Some notable relatives include hunchbacked Richard III, wife-killing Henry VIII, and sex crazy Queen Victoria. The current Queen has reigned almost 60 years.

The Firm

The Queen calls her family "The Firm," assumedly because they are powerful, secretive, and want to kill Tom Cruise.

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

The sane one. Despite her obsession with Corgis, horses, and ridiculous hats, the Queen doesn't appear to be any more unhinged than the average English (German) grandma.

HRH Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh

The insane one. We'll let him speak for himself:

To the President of Nigeria, who was wearing traditional robes: "You look like you're ready for bed!"

To a Scottish driving instructor: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?"

To English students studying abroad in China: "If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed."

HRH the Prince of Wales

Heir to the throne. Prince Charles has admitted talking to plants and left Princess Diana for Camilla Parker-Bowles after tapes were released of a phone call in which he stated he wanted to be reincarnated as Camilla's tampon. This makes him one of the more normal members of his family.

Prince William

Known for drunkenly falling out of clubs, using up taxpayers' money by flying an army helicopter to a bachelor party, and dating a woman seriously out of his league:

Attractive Royals

Prince Harry

"The Spare." In his short life Harry has been photographed drunkenly feeling up women who aren't his girlfriend, smoking weed, and wearing a Nazi uniform to a costume party.

Zara Phillips
A world champion horsewoman, she lives with a rugby player so large even his photo could kick your ass.
Princess Eugenie
The "smartest" of the royals. After graduating high school with pretty average grads she celebrated by running naked through her school with friends. Sadly, there are no photos of this event (That we know of. Give it time.)