The chicken is a flightless bird that inspired the timeless question of which came first, the bird or the egg. Anyone who actually tries to answer that should just shut up and eat their damn dinner.&&

Just The Facts

  1. There are more chickens than any other kind of bird on Earth.
  2. The chicken is stupidly said to be the T. Rex's closest living relative, because they are related to birds. We say it's the eagle because at least that shit flies.
  3. Also, nobody cares about chickens crossing roads, either.
  4. It is legal to shoot anyone doing the Chicken Dance.

Origin of Chicken

The chicken exists nowhere on the planet besides in farms or as feral escapees, and science can't make up their minds about the chicken's origin. Therefore we must assume that the chicken comes from Space.

The truth is out there.

Chicken is easy to prepare, delicious, and reasonably not likely to give you salmonella.

Chicken Preparation

Chicken Wings

Also called Buffalo wings, chicken wings are a point on the food pyramid, the other two being beer and pizza. No party ever went wrong serving beer, pizza, and chicken wings. Remember this.

The holiest of trinities.

Sweet And Sour Chicken Balls

A cornerstone of direct-to-America Chinese cusine, sweet and sour chicken balls are a delicacy. A red and brown, tender, gonad-shaped delicacy.

Mmm, sweet and sour chicken balls

And to think, these balls are from female chickens.

Grilled, Boneless Chicken Breast

Boneless and grilled chicken is a healthy alternative to fried chicken. While nowhere near as awesome as fried chicken, it at least is not as disgusting as poached tofu, baked salad, or whatever health options fast food joints try to push on customers before they disappear a total, utter failure of a menu item.

Much better than poached tofu baked salad. Also, breasts.

Chicken in A Can

We have well documented the horrifying travesty that is Chicken in a Can. It is chicken--a whole chicken--crammed into a can and somehow marketed to a grocery-purchasing populace. Now, canned chicken is fine if it's in quantities similar to tuna, but this is a whole chicken. In a can. It doesn't look very appetising coming out of the can, and it doesn't look any better all the way out.

Exactly whose definition of "fully cooked" does this fit?

The KFC Double Down

A more modern innovation comes the nearly-all-chicken chicken sandwich from chicken Mecca KFC, the Double Down. You can read the best review of this sandwich ever written right here. Essentially, the sandwich is chicken, bacon, more chicken, cheese, questionably named sauce, and some chicken. It is great, because bread is for pussies.

But even its divine qualities could not hold up to...

The Baturducken

Not only the tastiest thing that inexplicibly has "turd" and nearly "bastard" in its name, the Baturducken is perfection, the holy marriage of bacon, chicken, turkey, duck, and even more bacon. Step by step pictures on how to make this ambrosia are here, though this is not a recipe for beginners. We suggest starting with its kid brother, the mere Turducken. The quest for poultry, waterfowl, and bacon-y nirvana is an arduous one, Grasshopper, and we at are not responsible for any burns, cuts, posionings, or heart disease that may result from its creation.

You can invite us over to share, though.