Rednecks

Cheap Beer, Loose Women, keeping America from being 100% literate, Nickelback, Jesus, Kentucky.... BOOKS!? THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN!, large guns, NASCAR is a sport? DAMN RIGHT IT'S A SPORT!, and pure American ingenuity.

This man fathered half of Kentucky using only this gun, a bucket of stinkbait and his cousin.

Welcome to the West Virginia Olympics, this man is the Michael Phelps of whatever the fuck this is.

Just The Facts

  1. The primary source of everything for the redneck is Wal-Mart. The runner-up is Jesus.
  2. Rednecks think Chuck Norris facts are not only relevant, but real.
  3. If it weren't for rednecks, Dale Earnhardt Jr would probably be on welfare.
  4. Pepsi actually sent dentists to Kentucky because small children kept losing teeth to Mountain Dew
  5. Instead of further education, rednecks illegally dig for coal on the side of interstates or sell tomatoes.

What Makes One a Redneck?

The first step of becoming a redneck is having a lower intellegence level than everyone around you and just not giving a fuck. Then, to continue on your path, you must find others who share the same sentiment. Once you have a group together, you then should discuss important issues of the day, such as Ford vs. Chevy or whose truck can outpull the others', or most importantly, who got to fuck your cousin before you did and how you're gonna have to "Open up a six pack of whoop ass" on them. It is also important to hold antiquated beliefs about society such as hating interracial marriage due to the fact that "you don't see a red squirrel out there fucking a grey one." Also, you have to have some sort of eccentric habit such as drinking moonshine until you actually shit yourself, or chewing tobacco until you have no teeth left, then you must gum it. Once you have these things down, you must purchase a large truck with no real purpose except for muddin', a gun that is probably illegal but your neighbor, Bubba, was using it to scare his mother-in-law/aunt, and most importantly, you must have at least two sets of camouflaged outfits that have to be constantly dirty. After that, all you have to do is like NASCAR and Lynyrd Skynyrd and congratulations, you have become a redneck.

Somewhere in Middle America, a man just ejaculated and didn't know why.

How Do Rednecks Fit In With Society as a Whole?

In short, they don't. However, they will often insist that they do and demand to be heard. Loud is the redneck way. The redneck philosophy is that progress is scary, and things presently suck. The only times that were good were "back in my daddy's days before this computer bullshit". They then spend their entire lives striving to live like that. Most rednecks shun technology (outside of television and AM radio of course) and say such hilarious things as "The computer will be the ruination of this world", and everyone's favorite, "If you let them queers get married, Jesus will come down and rain hellfire on your sinnin' asses". Rednecks also hate diversity of any sort. Anyone or anything that challenges their way of life should "get their asses whooped and go to Canada", or "tell it to my gun". Regular Americans feel the ripple of the redneck effect in daily life through the inspirational messages of Miley Cyrus, NASCAR interrupting their Saturday afternoon reruns and outdated movies, and seeing such noble characters as Larry the Cable Guy and Jeff Foxworthy on television constantly. How does it feel knowing Larry the fucking Cable Guy makes more money than you could ever hope to? Yeah, if that didn't suck already... Sarah Palin almost became vice president. What have you accomplished in your life?

"I wipe my ass with hundred dollar bills... GIT-R-DONE!"

Rednecks' Contributions to Society

As stated above, rednecks gave us the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, Sarah Palin, Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader (aka: The Jeopardy of Rednecks), and NASCAR. But what have rednecks done for society as a whole? Before you say nothing, think of the time you were at Wal-Mart and that guy in front of you smelt bad and was wearing dirty overalls. You thought to yourself how unpleasant he was and how you wish he could just get hit by a truck, his own truck you thought, as you grinned. But, also, do you remember how much better about yourself you felt after he found out his beer couldn't be covered by foodstamps? Well, that's what rednecks are for. We've all watched a Larry the Cable Guy moment and thought to ourselves, man, I'm so glad I'm not one of those people who enjoys this shit. That is the purpose of the redneck, to provide normal, everyday Americans with self-worth. You may be sitting all alone petting a cat that you force to sit on your lap as you look up internet porn knowing none of those women will ever love you, but you know in your heart that they would love you before they would love a redneck. So next time you see that man in line wanting to buy beer using only his word and a chicken for collateral, thank him for making sure you are not at the bottom of the social ladder.

I'll be here to land on when you fall from social grace, darlin.