5 Misconceptions You Had About Star Wars Before Seeing The Prequels

Some of you may be young enough to live in a universe where Star Wars always consisted of 6 episodes. But most of us have seen the original films first. With the prequels, we had to accept the cold fact that we were simply wrong about some things.

Just The Facts

  1. After the original Star Wars, George Lucas did not direct a movie for 22 years.
  2. A New Hope was made with a budget of 11 million dollars. The prequels each had a budget of over 110 million dollars.
  3. Han shot first.

5. Can't get enough of those cute droids!

Moviegoers love robots. Be it merciless killing machines like the Terminator or friendly chaps like Number Five. Damn you, moviegoers, if you only knew what kind of damage your robophilia would do to Star Wars.

Number Johnny Five
Actually, he was constructed to be a merciless killing machine.


The world of Star Wars was always filled with droids, but with the exception of R2-D2 and C-3PO they all stayed friendly in the background, rolling around on the Death Star or being tortured by Jabbas minions. C-3PO, being the original trilogy's Jar-Jar, was quite tolerable, and R2-D2 could even be considered cute. Hey, the two had their own cartoon series in the 80s.

But the prequels pushed the droid count to insane numbers. Droids were everywhere. Droids fighting battles. Droids commanding battles. Droids building droids. Droids with fucking light sabers.

Grevious
He is made of metal and he is annoying. He MUST be a droid.

The only droids that could be accepted were those shielded rolling ones. They were kinda baddass. The average battle droid was simply pathetic. Why exactly did they talk to each other in english? Human language is clearly a slow, poor form of communication for electronic devices.

Battle droids
You know, we could probably coordinate our forces a lot better if we had built-in WLAN. But I am sure saying "Roger Roger" in clear english will somehow terrify our enemies.


Battle droids turn into expensive scrap the moment their control station is destroyed. A little kid stopped thousands of them by accident.

Watching endless lines of fighters that look, sound and move identical quickly became an annoyance in The Phantom Menace. Fortunately, George Lucas added human soldiers in the second movie, so we finally had some variety. No, wait.


Clone troopers
Thank god the part of basic training were they brutally kill off our individuality was left out.


What about the beloved trash can and golden tin man droids? Artoo suddenly discovered his ability to fly, which he never used again in the whole saga, and Threepio was even more useless than in the original trilogy, which is astonishing for a protocol droid who couldn't even prevent a bunch of Ewoks from trying to eat his friends. Ewoks that thought he was their god.


4. Jedis as the guardians of peace and justice


Our picture of a Jedi was formed by an old man, hiding himself from the allmighty empire by living alone in the mountains, screaming like a big animal sometimes and cleverly disguising himself with a different first name. His fighting style was unmatched for its grace and slowness. When he grew tired of fighting, he simply let himself be killed, while teasing Darth Vader about coming back even more powerful.

Obi-Wan
I get young people to listen to me. That's a lot of power for an old man. Unfortunately, they still don't follow my advice.


Not later than Attack of the Clones, all that was left of our long-conserved image of the Jedis was the funny clothes. Guardians of peace my ass. Jedis were suddenly generals, squad leaders and even front line soldiers, which wasn't that clever considering there were already millions of clone troopers bred exclusively for this purpose.

Yeah, they still had the force, but Lucas ruined even that aspect by explaining it with funny microorganisms. You could probably give anyone a blood injection and turn him into a Master Jedi. However, all of the Jedis with their midichlorian power couldn't forsee a coup overthrowing the whole fucking republic. Anyone with political insight or common sense should have been able to do that.

Granted, light saber battles were a lot cooler in the prequels, but we had a hard time imagining that everyone completely forgot about the awesome, martial-arts inspired fighting style for no reason and suddenly started to use medieval fencing techniques.

3. Darth Vader is, was and will always be a badass


Darth Vader, our favourite plastic-wearing villain, was omnipresent in the original trilogy. The image of his black outfit and his absolute refusal of doing anything considered non-assholish was burned into our brain since we first saw him choking some faith into one of his officers. The nicest thing he ever did was to burn in his armor without diffusing poisonous fumes. If we could imagine anyone in the universe who had never experienced something like a childhood, it was him.

What will current and future generations first see of Lord take-no-shit Vader? A rather annoying, geeky, kid.

Anakin
Lets see.. You are called "Ani", have never known your dad, your hobby is building robots and you talk like some pre-school smartass. You will have SUCH a hard time at puberty. What are you saying? You never even had a dad, but were conceived by the force? You're screwed, kid.



And the sooner we forget about the the lovesick talk of adolescent Anakin, the better.


Padme
It's been ten years, and you never managed to get a girlfriend? See, I told 'ya.

When Anakin finally regained his true bastard self, Lucas had to go way too far by making him murder little children. Damnit, even the original Darth Vader knew when to stop. He only killed kids when they were out of his sight, like on the planet Alderaan.
By the way, Anakin decided to become an asshole and fuck with the galaxy because of a dream he had, which is a totally retarded reason.



2. The whole timeline


Remember when Ben Kenobi first tells Luke that he wasn't called Obi-Wan since... (dramatic pause) before Luke's birth? He has a look in his eyes like he's talking about a time long, long ago. Think centuries. Many people thought this guy is a thousand years old, and the clone wars were a curiously named conflict ages ago.
Well, we did learn that the clone wars are closer to the time of episode IV than the vietnam war is to our time.

Full Metal Jacket
I'll tear you a new asshole, but only after you eet the peanuts outta my shiet!


Okay, that's more of a subjective perception and not really an inconsistency. But what about the Death Star?

With all the empire's man- and droidpower, this thing took 20 years to finish and still had fatal design flaws. It was operational decades after the empire came to power, at a time were they probably had enough star destroyers to obliterate a planet just by sitting in the orbit and spewing their waste water on the heads of its unlucky inhabitants.

Let's not forget Princess Leia. She told Luke she remembers her mother to be "beautiful, but sad". Yeah, the force is strong in this one, but we still don't buy that Leia has any memory of a person that lived for around one minute after she was born. And to say Padmé was in a state of "sadness" during that period would be quite an understatement.



1. No matter how often I see these movies, there will never be anything I hate about Star Wars




Jar Jar
Youssa been sooo wrong.