Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster

Depending on your personal interpretation of truth, either the truest thing that ever was or the greatest blasphemy since The Da Vinci Code.

That's touched in a good way, like the opposite to Catholic priest touching.

Just The Facts

  1. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is a parody religion, like Scientology.
  2. Unlike Scientology, its participants know it's a parody.
  3. It has the greatest Holy Book of any religion.

In the beginning was the Kansas School Board

Apparently chaired entirely by idiots. The Kansas School Board were considering whether or not to teach Intelligent Design (a tarted up version of Creationism) with equal weight as volution. Just so we're clear here, the theory that the Universe and everything it was created by magic 4,500 years ago would be given equal weight across every school in Kansas as the theory of evolution.

A quick note on scientific jargon - I'm quite sure that you, as an intelligent and upright person will have no difficulty whatsoever in comprehending that evolutionary theory is only a theory in the same sense that you being alive tomorrow is only a theory. It cannot be comprehensively proven, but you still pay your bills, do your laundry, and ask that cute chick (you know, the redhead with the beg leg and no teeth) to dinner a week tomorrow.

Bobby Henderson, at this time an out-of-work physics major and a man with more brains in his left testicle than I have in mine, wrote a letter to the Kansas School Board protesting that Intelligent Design (henceforth known as ID) was not the only alternative to evolution. I would dearly love to reprint the letter here.

So I will.

Open Letter To Kansas School Board

I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

It is for this reason that I'm writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I'm sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but e have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence.

What these people don't understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

I'm sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don't.

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

Global Average Temperature vs Number of Pirates

In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism (Pastafarianism), and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.

Sincerely Yours,

Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen.

P.S. I have included an artistic drawing of Him creating a mountain, trees, and a midget. Remember, we are all His creatures.

Artistic drawing

And then there was turmoil on the face of the Earth

As pretty much every religious person in the world got their panties in a twist. Here's my personal favourite letter that Bobby's been sent:

"The village called, they want the dumb fuck back.

You and your rediculous religion that involves a flying spaghetti monster is freaking retarded. did you smoke some seriously strong dope, possibly eat some shrooms you thought we're candy? I have to say i've met alot of stupid people with even MORE stupid ideals, but you take the cake.

I think some of the dur duh durs could make a better religion then you from a violated underage teen and a wine bottle. there is no end to the idiocracy of your ideals.

Im not gonna come after you with my ideals as a christian, I won't come after you with my logic, hell I won't even come after you with a bat. People like you aren't even worth the time to even get the shit beat out of them.I mean…,what kind of person has time in their day to piss off the catholics, and ruin the lives of others? your stupid fuck with retard ideals.

I hope that someone castrates you, beats the shit out of you, puts you in a tightly tied sack in the middle of the road and a dozen semi's run you over repeatedly, and to top it off, a dog taking a shit on your chest like you we're a cheap whore. I absolutely can't believe that ignorant bastards like you can get away with creating bunk religions like this.

I had more genius come out my friends ass then from your brain.obviously your parents didn't love you, dropped you on your head, and didn't pay the life support and you ended up turning into this kind of retarded goofy fuck.

I mean, to have 2 dee parents to make you dee duh dee doesn't give you an excuse to go make a crap religion just so you can make a quick buck off the merchandise and to brainwash followers for whatever reason you needed an assload of retards as followers for.>_>

Hope you die, and have a nice day.

-Jeffery Hazelwood
Fuck you."

...which I think you'll agree shows some class on the part of religious people everywhere.

Now please don't read into this that I despise all religious people. I don't. Most of them are hilarious. The Pope's fantastically stupid comment that "condoms help the spread of AIDS," for example, is pant-wettingly funny, until you realise that 2 billion people across the globe believe that what he says come straight from the lips of God. At this point, it goes from pant-wettingly funny to pant-shittingly terrifying.

So what's it all about?

Having a good time. The Gospel of FSM promises the greatest afterlife of all the major religions, offering a beer volcano and a stripper factory. Hell is similar to this, except the beer is stale and the strippers have STDs. Burning in hellfire is one thing, but existing for eternity with an itchy scrote is beyond any torture I can imagine.

Bobby has previously said "I don't have a problem with religion. What I have a problem with is religion posing as science. If there is a god and he's intelligent, then I would guess he has a sense of humor." Personally, judging from what he did to Sodom and Gomorrah, the way he flooded the entire world and the way he convinced the elderly Abraham to sacrifice his only son I would say no, he does not have a sense of humour.

Wait, I tell a lie, at the last minute he leapt out and told Abraham that he'd only been testing him. He did this after his son, Isiah, had already been tied up, soaked in oil, and put on the bonfire. That must have been an awkward conversation.

In essence, what started as a protest against teaching religion as science is school has turned into a worldwide religion with millions, if not thousands of followers. It is a beacon of hope amongst the darkness of ignorance, lighting the way past the banana skin of blind faith and the upturned plug of pseudoscientific bullshit. Long may it last.