Al Sharpton

Reverend Al Sharpton: Official Authority of Presidential Blackness

He's got soul but he's not a soldier...

Mortal Enemies

Just The Facts

  1. Al Sharpton was born in 1954, in Brooklyn, New York. He grew up in a deeply religious family who taught Albert some good, Christian values, and at the young age of nine, Al was officially ordained a Baptist Minister. His teaching's of "peace" and "acceptence" were soon forgotten in exchange for teac
  2. Sharpton's broad, open-minded view of race relations exponentially grew as he dropped out of college after two years and became a tour manager for none other than the King of Soul, James Brown.
  3. By his mid-twenties, Al began to emerge as a major player in race-relations. Al was/is known for his "his ability and willingness to defy the power structure that is seen as the cause of their suffering" maily through coming to the defense of street thugs and other various goons who had been "wrongl
  4. Al is a big believer in afirmative action and the prevalence of racism in modern society, based on the idea that blacks are unable to lift themselves out of poverty because of the "man" and slavery that ended 150 years ago.
  5. Al has been on the presidential ballot numerous times, and seemed hellbent on becoming the first black president. But poor Al never seemed to be able to get it together. In the 2004 Democratic Primaries, Al had less black votes than both John Kerry and John "Pretty Boy" Edwards. Now that Al has been
  6. Al's new hobby is corporate blackmail, through a series of threats, and insane accusations, Al has been able to leverage millions out of companies like Anheiser-Busch, all while skipping out on an estimated 1.5 million dollars worth of taxes.
  7. Al Sharpton may or may not be addicted to cocaine. Though there is audio evidence of Al meeting and dealing with a coke dealer with connections to close friend, Rodney King, no official allegations have been made.
  8. Lil Wayne Doesn't like Al Sharpton.

Al Punishing the Wrongdoers

1. Tawana Brawley - In 1987, Ms. Tawana Brawley, a 15 year old black girl, accused 6 white men, including a few police officers, of rape and battery in Wappingers Falls New York. After a Grand Jury was convened, they determined that the girl was, to paraphrase, making shit up. The case was almost dropped until like a demented, version of Batman that can only see stark contrasts of white and black, good old Revered Al swoped in and blew the whole ordeal up into a media event. It didn't matter that the mother had admitted that she had beaten the young girl that very night, or that none of the accused knew who the girl was, for when the bat signal of a troubled black youth is shown, you can count on Al to make things a lot worse.

2. Crown Heights - What should an ambulance worry about more, a dead man or a dying man? Well according to Al, an ambulance in Brooklyn, in 1991, made the racist, despicable decision, of attending to a Jewish man who had been injured in a car accident rather than the seven year old Jamacian boy who had died in the accident. Behind Al's delusional, radical insanity, the black residents of Crown Heights for four days, during which they looted stores, chanted "kill the Jews" and even beat a few Jewish people to death. That right there, is the mark of equality.

3.. The Duke Laccrosse Players - Before ever hearing an iota of solid evidence, little Al took the word of a clincally deranged, flat broke, and most importantly, black stripper that she had raped by a couple of wealthy, white lacrosse players. The lack of any DNA evidence, including the stripper not allowing forensic analysists to properly examine her body was not enough to disuade Al from holding up his flag of justice above hundreds of scared black people who protested the lacrosse players with rallies and death threats, even after the prosecution had been dropped and the case unanimoulsy closed.

4. Monkey Political Cartoon - Most recently, Al has failed to grasp the basics of both freedom of the press and how political cartoons work. After seeing a political cartoon potraying Obama as a monkey, Al took to the streets and declared a boycott/protest of the New York Post. It can be assumed that Sharpton doesn't actually read the Post or any newspaper for that matter since he failed to notice that the Obama monkey was a reference to a recent real life monkey that had attacked its owners and subsequently been shot. Even after being directly told this fact, Al stll suffered from Whit Blindness (being so blinded by reverse discrimination that logic is cut off in the brain) and continued his protest for a week longer.

Are you white? Well then you're wrong.

And many more...

The Sharpton Strategy

1. Find either a black person who has been accused of a crime or vice versa. THE DETAILS OF THE CASE DO NOT MATTER

2. Come to the defense of the black person reguardless of what the case is. Accuse the white side of racism.


3a. The jury, not wanting to appear racist, sides with the black person. SUCESS

3B. The jury is not mentally deficient and uses your greatest enemy, facts.

4. You FREAK THE FUCK OUT and YELL AT EVERYONE AT HOW RACIST THEY ARE, except for the black defendent/accused who has never done anything wrong, ever. The media swarms over the trial like gnats to a cat's ass and Sharpton becomes an interational sensation (for depressed, incompetetant, lazy, black people who feel all their problems are the government's faul)

5a. The Jury memebers don't want to be called racist by their neighbors and give into your demand's SUCESS

5b. The Jury has a backbone, and continues to wield your greatest enemy. Chaos ensues.

6. You COMDEMN THE AMERICAN COURT SYSTEM AND ACCUSE not just the plaintiff, or the jury, BUT THE ENTIRE GOVERNMENT AND WHOLE OF SOCIETY OF RACISM. A Mcarthly inspired witch hunt ensues in which half of the American court system is accused of racism. Al appeals to the next court.

7a. A series of spineless judges and juries fold to you like Oragami and one more violent criminal offender/ outrageous gang banger is realeased back into the world.

7b. A few sensible people left in the government see you for what he is, a narcassitic, sensationalistic, race bating, hypocritical, rablle rouser who preys on the weakness and indignation of others to elevate himself to positions of imaginary power. This has never happened.

8. Use the case to further Sharpton's power so he can blackmail corporations for things like, not having enough black people in their advertisements, or firing an incompetant balck employee.

9. Repeat the cycle every couple of years to keep up your profile

Maybe I don't blame the jury...

Fun With Quotes

"We need an amendment that gives us the right to vote protected by the federal government and the Constitution." - after apparently skipping eighth grade history class.

"During my 2004 presidential campaign, I was fond of saying that it was high time for the Christian right to meet the right Christians." - on how much he can relate to the voters.

"I wrestled with this, even over the last few days, as I sat and stood and walked in Louisiana, where I saw people ravaged, lives torn. I thought about the fact that we need a man that's strong enough to bring us through 9/11 but compassionate enough that if Katrina hits, will make sure that poor people are not the scapegoats of a natural disaster." - as he chaefur drove him around New Orleans to stop and take pictures next to the scapegoated poor were of course, blamed for causing Hurricane Katriana.

"The real loser is Rudy Giuliani, ... We proved how out of touch he is with the voters of New York. The issues of unemployment, police brutality and the schools not working are on the front burner. You can run, Rudy, but you can't hide." - as Juliani stopped bums from filling the streets of New York City and Jackson pushed for larger welfare checks and an indefinite welfare time limit.

"If O.J. had been accused of killing his black wife, you would not have seen the same passion stirred up." - Al would later give his full support to the mayor of New Orleans who wanted "to make this city chocolate."