Manowar

The gods made heavy metal. Fire erupted from the ground and lightning split the sky. Music was forever changed and in the wake of the Hadean inferno there emerged four kings. The Kings of Metal. Manowar.

Manowar being too metal for color photography.

Being too metal for clothing.

Just The Facts

  1. Manowar have proclaimed, "Death to false metal!" So it is written, so it shall be!
  2. Manowar are warriors of True Metal. True Metal is the greatest music ever written. See also Iron Maiden, Dio, and Megadeth.
  3. They hold the Guiness world record for Loudest Band in the World and Longest Heavy Metal Performance.

The Men

Manowar started out with Joey DeMaiom, who was a bass tech for Black Sabbath. He got to talking with guitarist Ross "the Boss" Friedman and they found the world to be sadly lacking in epic-type badassery. So they decided to heed the call of the metal gods and form Manowar with drummer Scott Colombus and singer Eric Adams. They signed their recording contract in blood and proceeded to crush the balls of all things that were not True Metal.

After releasing Kings of Metal in 1988, Ross left the band and was replaced by David Shankle for two albums before they picked up Karl Logan who has recorded with them ever since.

Eric Adams (vocals): Some have noticed that there is a tradition in rock and metal of short guys with epic voices. Roger Daltry, Glenn Danzig, Ronnie James Dio. Eric Adams follows this proud tradition by being the shortest guy in the band, but also having a voice that will tear your fucking face off.

Joey DeMaio (bass): Joey plays bass and produces all the band's albums when he's not producing albums for other metal bands that he deems awesome enough to not wither in his presence. He played a solo bass cover of The Flight of the Bumblebee titled Sting of the Bumblebee. There's no joke we can make there, it's just awesome.

Karl Logan (guitar): The most recent addition to the band. Has possibly the most terrifying skeleton-face since Dio. This is likely because his solos do to you what the Ark of the Covenant does to Nazis.

Scott Columbus (drums): At the time of writing, Scott is MIA due to "personal tragedies." Even the mightiest of warriors feels grief in his heart at times, so the legions of Manowar fans wish his heart strength so that he may one day return to the stage and cause earthquakes via his drumming.

The Legend

Manowar are one of those bands where you can't tell if they're kidding or not. Blender Magazine called them one of the 50 worst bands of all time. Yet when Western musicians were allowed to play behind the Iron Curtain for the first time, Manowar were one of the bands the people of the USSR wanted to see the most. This is probably a sign of why no one gives a shit about Blender Magazine.

1984, Manowar decided that The Who were not loud enough, so they called the Guiness World Records people to kick The Who's record for volume in the throat. Eric Adams sang at 128 decibels, edging out the previous record of 126. 10 years later, they tried to outdo that and were able to reach 129.5 dB. Guiness would not actually recognize this one however, because they removed the category of Loudest Musical Performance for fear of copycats blowing their eardrums out. Pussies.

Finally, Manowar crushed the nads of their own record again in 2008 when during a soundcheck they hit 139 dB. Witnesses who survived the incident claim they at first thought the music festival had been attacked by Godzilla [citation needed].

Not content to rest on that achievement, they then set the record the year prior for Longest Heavy Metal Performance at 3 hours, then crushed that at the 2008 Kaliakra Rock Festival in Bulgaria by playing for 5 hours and 1 minute. The extra 1 minute is probably just to add a little more fuck you to anyone who wants to challenge that record.

There is much speculation about what record Manowar will attempt to break next whether it be one of their own or somebody else's. If it's someone else's, it is the musical equivalent of a small coastal village being raided by Vikings. Whoever they challenge, like the medieval villagers, is screwed.