Sexual Selection

Being an animal sucks. Not only must we avoid predators, we must also compete for a mate. In the scope of evolution, living a long successful life with no offspring is the same as dying in a drought. &

No, this is not what Sexual Selection means

Just The Facts

  1. Sexual Selection is the process by which desirable genes pass from one generation to the next
  2. Instincts guide attraction - accepting a mate means accepting their genes
  3. With modern inventions like alcohol or breast augmentation, mankind has found a way to trick our instincts...
  4. Take that Nature!


Yeah...that's more like it.

Let's talk about sex.

It's fun. You (and everyone you've ever known) want to do it, and according to numerous studies you've probably thought about it even before finishing this sentence.

So why are we obsessed? You'd think that a species that invented the wheel, mapped the globe, and put a man on the fucking moon would have evolved passed these primal urges...right?

We invented sprayable cheese, dammit!

Well it turns out our success has made us hornier.

In prehistory mankind lived a shitty existence. Sure we had fire and arrows and cool stuff like that, but food was still incredibly scarce. Not "scarce" as in "we only have 2 slices of meatlovers pizza left", I mean scarce, as in "You going to finish those toenails?"

Then why do they call eating nothing but meat "The Caveman Diet?" Weren't our ancestors feasting on mammoths every week? Hell no. If anyone reading this has gone on a genuine hunting trip they'll know that most expeditions end in failure, even when well equipped with modern hunting gear. Imagine taking down one of the largest land animals ever to walk the earth with nothing more than a pointed rock and a stringy loincloth.

In ancient tribes the majority of the food was gathered and prepared by women, and even then it would be table scraps compared to a modern family meal. People were eating so little in fact, that they were shorter, and women couldn't get their periods. This is why animals have breeding seasons. When there's no food there's no babies. Why waste energy on a kid when you need to survive? When the food is plentiful - the mating begins.

When we developed things like agriculture and domestication we gave ourselves a steady supply of food. Our bodies figured it was a temporary thing so they decided to switch to full on sex-mode. To this day we haven't turned it off.


Not only did a surplus of grub get us in the mood, it also ensured those who couldn't survive on their own were allowed to join in on the mating fun. And so begins the humiliating tale of sexual selection...

The Dirty Deed: Why you are alone

So it's time for the big tribe dance, your only chance of getting laid, and you've set your sights on Oog's sexy cousin.

This one.

What do you do? Do you sing her a song? Kill her a moose? Start shuffling like the town retard?

As it happens option three is your best bet at landing some tail. Good dancing is universally considered a sign of sexual prowess. By watching a man dance women judge what his physical capabilities are and make subconcious decisions about the dude's genes.

Decisions like... "Can he provide for my family?" and "Will my baby be born healthy?" and "How much nagging can he handle until he kills himself?"

The female is the deciding factor in coupling. She's the bouncer to the door of the genetic nightclub. Mother Nature left a secret code of instructions for all women to follow as soon as their puberty started. This has helped us survive as a species and is arguably responsible for some of those great traits like cleft chins and long flowing hair.

But remember this is a tribe dance, and there are only a few women. You've got to compete with ten other horny cavemen...she likes them better.

There in lies the tragedy of Sexual Selection. There will always be the ones left out. From a biological point of view this a good thing. "Bad genes don't go through, and the species thrives" but you're a sensitive caveman, you don't care about future generations. Killing off your genes for the sake of the whole would go against your ingrained instincts. Also that would make you Hitler.

Hey now, don't be sad. If you don't have the right genes then surely you can fake them with some steroids or fake jewlery. What's that? They haven't been invented yet? Tough break buddy. Looks like you have to stick around until they invent protein powder.

And spray-on tan.

Sexual Selection in the Modern World

Sexual selection may seem like a thing of the past. After all, with a couple injections or some plastic surgery, we can avoid our genes altogether!

For the most part this is true.

Never has there been a time in history when a person could say "screw you!" to their DNA and make themselves into something else. Whether it's being taller, or getting bigger, or even changing their sex completely, we are grabbing nature by the balls and riding it around until it begs us to stop.

And that's why no one has trouble getting laid...

What? Some people do? Does that mean that Mother Nature is updating her instructions?

Not quite, but it's getting actively edited by her daughters. Believe it or not women do have brains - and they know when something isn't the real deal. Instinct tells her go for the guy with the tan skin and the six pack, but she knows that underneath that shell of juiced up muscle lies a scrawny italian kid from jersey - and all the scrawny italian genes that come with him.