Tapeworm Diet

Who has time to diet? Why not hire someone, or some THING, to do it for you?

Step 1: For Reals? I gotta get me some of that!

Step 3: A Job Well Done!

Just The Facts

  1. Tapewoms are part of the class Cestoda, varying in size with some growing as long as 100 feet.
  2. The tapeworm's body is comprised of segments, each of which are capable of independent reproduction after they are excreted from the host, and enter another animal's system.
  3. The tapeworm diet involves intentionally introducing a parasite to the digestive system with the intention of said parasite reducing the human's caloric intake.
  4. The tapeworm diet, quoted as costing around 2,000 USD, requires you to eat the creatures cysts, allow them to grow up to three feet long inside your intestines, and then take a medication to kill it on day 85.

A History of Fatness...

Modern Homo sapiens has been on earth for at least 200,000 years. During that time we have learned the great Arts of Hunting, Tool-Making, Writing, Building, and above all, watching Internet Pornography and Eating Twinkies.

We evolved to store extra calories for times of hardship, and with that pesky little problem behind us in the West, we now know the great pleasures of excess. Excess weight. You know, the whole shift in our physical morphology that will hereon be referred to as the Lard-Ass Phenomenon?

For millennia, we have fought off predators and parasites, and evolved cultural practices and taboos that protected us from them (like making weapons, learning to use fire, cooking our food, and not eating shit). But with these dangers safely behind us (thanks to Extinction and Modern Medicine), we don't have to view creatures that spawn eggs inside of us and attach themselves to our digestive track, leaching essential nutrients from our bodies, as that dangerous monkey on our back any more! This is modern-times, People!

We are in the midst of the Lard-Ass Phenomenon, and we now know that taking diet-pills to counter our indulgences is dangerous. It's unnatural! (But consuming 4,000 calories a day is?) What are we to do? Eat a parasite, of course! That's perfectly natural! It doesn't want to kill you, like that treadmill in the basement does. Its objective is to keep you alive, so you can eat, so it can eat.

Talk about a Win-Win!


Why God? Why?!!

This diet is a godsend to those who are unable or unwilling to get off their asses and digest their own food. Who wants accountability for what they put into their stomach anyway? Digesting your own food is sooooo last millennium! And this Lard-Ass Phenomenon isn't going to go away on its own: we've got to do something about it.

Like stop eating so much, you ask?

WTF? Haven't you heard a word I've said? We can't do anything about it! It's a phenomenon! That's why we have to put all of our misdirected hope into something that can. Something that, unlike us, actually has a will. A will to eat along with us!

Yeah, that's the ticket!

It says a lot about your ability to control what you put in your fucking pie-hole when you are willing to put rotten meat (infected with a known [sometimes not which type of] parasite) into your mouth. Or take pills that contain larvae. Since these parasites are not legally sold in the United States, some people actually fly to Mexico, South America and Asia, for the SOLE PURPOSE of becoming infected. Seriously, they would rather go as far as another country or continent than go wipe the 1-inch-thick layer of dust off the treadmill, and walk a couple miles. Or eat more vegetables than pork-sausage.

RIP Chris

The known daily caloric intake of a tapeworm is equivalent to walking into town to the grocery store to pick up some bacon-flavored bacon, cheesy-poofs and ho-hos. And Strawberry Quick. But who has time for walking to store when you can jump into your car and drive there, thus creating more time to eat? We're busy! Busy getting Fat!

The pleasure of eating these foodstuffs is greatly enhanced by the knowledge that you only taste them (with mildly inconvenient effort to chew), as the true consumer of all you eat is nestled snugly within your small intestine, attached by the hooks in its sucker-mouth.

This little bastard is the one doing the work! Fuck you Evolution! I can have my cake, and the worm will eat it, too!

But even miracle-worms adhere to some biological principles, like GROWTH. One man, in Chicago shat out a nine-foot worm that he accidentally ingested at a seafood restaurant.

Talk about "Catch-of-the-Day"!

I said it.

Safety First: Notify Friends and Family when attempting the diet:

You Can't Make This Shit Up!

Since there is little guarantee which type of parasite you ingest (and they do differ), you have no way of knowing exactly how big it will get.

Most of these "diets" advocate getting rid of the parasite before it gets too large to do damage. Trouble arises however, when the worm does become too large (like nine-fucking-feet), and begins sapping too many nutrients from its host (that would be you). Like a kicked keg and a cop in the driveway at a high school party, the worm senses it is time to get the fuck out of Dodge. Escape can happen through the door, or the bathroom window; out is mother-Fing-out.

Like Kurt Russel in Escape from LA, it came, it saw, and it kicked some ass! But now it's time to move on. The same goes for the worm's exit. It doesn't give a crap whether it is your mouth, your sinuses/nose, or your ass, it's Go-time, baby!

To avoid unpleasant goodbyes to your (not so little anymore) guest it is time for the party to end. Methods for removal include (this is if you want to risk that it goes for the nearest exit, and not up through your mouth/sinuses) letting nature take its course, which means you taking a monster dump with the worm slowly hanging and splurging its nine-foot long body out of your ass-hole. Times like this will make you appreciate that Victoria's Secret catalogue next to the toilet. But that's if the worm wants to go.

Even with the kegger kicked, there is always "That Guy" who sticks around well after the party is over. You can turn "That Guy" into "That Guy I Kicked the Fuck Out When the Party was Over" by taking some medication that kills it so its carcass is expelled through your arse with what remains of your ho-hos and sausage, but this really doesn't make you a very good host does it? Why not keep your butt-hole out of the equation altogether, and take the Associated Content's advice:

"The next easiest way before surgery is quite horrid but 100% effective. Tapeworms are greedy little things and can be quite enticed with warm milk. As scary as it is, this method involves placing a bowl of warm milk parallel from your face and as the worm begins crawling towards it, pull it out of your mouth."


Associated Content goes on to mention that although surgery to remove the parasite may be necessary at times if it gets too big:

"...a tapeworm is an effective way to lose weight if monitored and removed in a timely manner. Obtaining one however may be difficult as they are illegal in the U.S. Although they are very dangerous and can make one very uncomfortable, they can be responsible for quite a drop in weight. Best of luck!"

Best of luck, indeed. Because we all know that weight-loss really boils down to Luck.