Explosions are an integral ingredient if you want to make something interesting, or make a joke about Michael Bay. Below is a guide to predicting explosions.

Courtesy of Ominousoat

Just The Facts

  1. Explosions happen when something blows up.
  2. Explosions are currently America's number 1 export.
  3. All art is based on explosions. All good art, anyway.
  4. Explosions can be used in moderation to make anything more interesting, or used in excess to make Michael Bay famous.
  5. We promise that was the last Michael Bay joke.

Cracked on Explosions

Explosions are defined by the internet as a "Rapid increase in volume and energy, usually with high temperature and the release of gas." Explosions are defined by Cracked as a sudden and massive burst of awesome fuckin' shit, directly correlated to the value of the shit gettin' 'sploded, as well as a sudden increase in... titties... bonertastic.... KAH-FUCKIN'-BOOM!!!

This is a picture of an explosion.

Yeah, there we go.

A History of Explosions

It was long before the dawn of history that man first harnessed fire for his own use. Imagine it now: a boy, no more than 17 but already a man, cautiously circling a tree set ablaze by a blast of thunder. One branch is extended, as gracefully as an erection, before him, the tip burning with all the heat and passion of an erection. He steps closer -- gingerly reaching out, touching the wood (snicker), wrapping his fingers around the rough bark. He couldn't have known that at the moment he was standing, naked and hungry, on the precipice of the future, with his metaphorical dong swinging gallantly in the cool breeze.

Legend has it that at the moment, he got an erection.

Since then, fire has been like crystal fucking meth to us humans. We can't get enough. Though originally used for fireworks, it was quickly turned to a tool of warfare, proving to Cracked that war only exists because people need excuses to spend all their money on seeing things explode.

This is a picture of a bomb.

5.48 Trillion Dollars well spent.

In 1863, Joseph Wilbrand invented TNT. Four years later, Albert Nobel patented Dynamite. He went on to invent plagiarism and the nobel peace prize, which is now awarded to anyone for pretty much any reason.

On July `6th, 1945, the first nuclear weapon was tested. The explosion was so intense that Director Robert J. Oppenheimer was heard to say "Jesus Fucking Christ!" which is a quote from the Bhagavad Gita. After dropping two of those things on strategically and militarily unimportant cities in Japan, which has proven controversial for some reason, it appeared that explosions would go out of style. That worry was quickly assuaged.

A Series of Facts You Could Learn on Your Own in Less Than A Minute, With Integrated Dick Jokes

  • Google on Explosions.

Let us tell you, researching this topic was tough. Google Image Search revealed lots of explosions, sure, but the expected comedy gold that usually results from turning off "safe search" was nowhere to be found. We were genuinely shocked by this, and briefly worried that we might be doing it wrong. We then changed our minds, nonsensically shouted "that's what she said!" while high-fiving each other, and decided that the internet was doing it wrong. Sex, that is.

Internet? You've disappointed us. You've given us dinosaur porn, for christ's sake (NWS, by the way.) We want explosion themed porn, and we want it now.

Coming soon: Dong-shaped explosion

  • Wikipedia on Explosions

Wikipedia teaches that there are small, barely noticable explosions called "Deflagrations." The Cracked Fart-Joke department had no comment.

Explosions in Movies

In a movie, explosions are awesome, retarded, or both. When used sparingly, they can distract from or even highlight important plot points, or evoke an emotional response. In some cases, they have been used to replace missing plot points. Some schools of thought advocate using them to replace plot, characterization, or even a coherent, narrative. Luckily, this is not the prevailing opinion.

Still, its hard to believe that as recently as 1968, movies were being made that featured no explosions whatsoever. You can thank video games, our militaristic culture, and of course the good lord Jesus Christ that those dark times are behind us.

A Lion In Winter

Listen Katherine Hepburn, if you're not gonna show your tits, the least you can do is explode.