Tekken is a well-respected and long-running video game franchise that features strippers being beaten up by kangaroos, dinosaurs, and Satan.


Just The Facts

  1. Tekken was first released in 1994 to arcades, and has been a successful franchise ever since.
  2. The very first game featured a bear and a robot as a selectable character, thus establishing a long tradition of sanity and realism.
  3. It also apparently has an ongoing plot, because fighting games totally need those.

Tekken: Proof that Games Work Better If They're Insane

"Tekken" came along right when the fighting game hit its awkward adolescence, when it had discovered polygons, but it wasn't really sure if it "liked them" liked them, instead just awkwardly masturbating to them after the arcade had closed. Luckily, "Tekken" came along and gave it its first, gentle experience, leading to the acceptance of the 3D fighter and also the discovery that strategy means precisely dick.

The first hints that the entire franchise was run by either fourteen-year-olds snorting pixie sticks or thirty year olds doing way too much cocaine came when the game, which has a plot about a bitter father and son relationship that devolves into a war over control over a multinational company amid a fighting tournament with a billion-dollar cash prize, decided to throw in a bear and a robot as plausible combatants. Oh, and also Satan.

Admittedly, once you include the guy wearing the Jaguar mask and Yoshimitsu the Gay Pride Ninja (who loses every time despite being the only one smart enough to show up armed), going to bears and robots fighting each other isn't much of a stretch.

That said, plot and actual content have diverged so wildly that by Tekken 6, an epic drama that's half family tragedy, half Michael Crichton corporate thriller with the fate of the world in the balance is presented in cutscenes in between your beating up robots and tiny hopping aliens while wearing a long flowing cape and being trailed by an anime chick in a skimpy outfit and a jetpack. Or you could skip all that and just see a fat guy in bleached blonde hair beat up a dinosaur who was taught how to fight by a priest/luchador who wears a stuffed leopard head over his face.

Strategy in Tekken

There are four basic attacks in Tekken; left punch, right punch, left kick, and right kick. All characters have combos and special moves that you can learn for all forty characters.

Alternately, you can just pick a character and mash buttons at random. Trust us, it's not going to make any difference.

"Tekken" basically exists to either suck up quarters or entertain you and your friends as you soak up cheap beer, so the game is designed to cater to that audience. This means that a lonely thirty year old virgin who has spent a year learning every combo, technique and nuance of every character, especially the ones that show their panties, can still be utterly humiliated at a GameStop kiosk by an 11-year-old who's there to buy the latest Pokemon game.

Whether this is just a happy accident or Namco trying to create schadenfreude for shits and giggles is open to debate.