John F Kennedy

John F Kennedy, Pimp/President/USA's Answer to Commie-bastards, was born May 29, 1917, did a lot of things, boned Marilyn Monroe a few times (IMPORTANT), did some other stuff (Dude, Marilyn Monroe. DAMN.), and was shot on November 22, 1963.

Pictured: The U.S.A's 35th President

Just The Facts

  1. John F. Kennedy (JFK) was America's 35th President. In October of 1962, he told the U.S.S.R. to 'go suck it' (Citation Needed) via Cuba.
  2. JFK was assassinated in Dallas, Texas on November 22, 1963. Presumably because his assassin, Lee Harvey Oswald, could simply not fathom that a mortal man could bone Marilyn Monroe and still be a married President.
  3. He did in fact show Marilyn Monroe his 'Cuban Missle', and people, we don't mean a cigar.
  4. His assassination is more rife with conspiracy theories than Bigfoot's winter home in Area 51

Early Career

John F. Kennedy, born May 29, 1917 to Joseph Kennedy Sr. and Rose Fitzgerald (surprisingly) without a silver spoon up his ass. After being toted along from mansion to mansion in Boston and New York, all the while wanting nothing but Ruskie-blood and Blonde-Bombshells, he joined the Boy Scouts, and would be the first Boy Scout to become President.

Conspiracy? We think so too.

After being sent to a number of private schools, again, all the while wanting nothing but Rambo-action and boobs, he attended and Graduated from Harvard cum laude.

In 1941, Kennedy volunteered for the US Army, but was rejected. We think it had something to do with his tremendous balls not fitting in standard US Army attire, however, the Navy attire seemed to accomodate him (almost), and accepted him. On August 2nd,1943, while in command of the PT-109 boat as a Lieutenant, the Japanese destroyer 'Amagiri' rammed the vessel, throwing Kennedy across the ship to damage what was an already a fragile back.

"Back be damned! We're the fuck outta here!" he cried as he beat his chest and sent lightning bolts from his finger tips to scorch the shocked faces of the Japanese boatmen (citation needed). Kennedy proceeded to swim to an island with his crew, all the while towing a badly burned mate with his fucking teeth. He then proceeded to swim to a second island, where he was rescued and given the Navy and Marine Corps medal, the nicest way the Navy can say 'thanks for saving that dude with your teeth man, now please don't eat me.'

Political Career

Originally wanting to follow Journalism (ahem. Thank you), JFK followed a political career when his brother, Joseph Jr, was killed in WWII. Not wanting to disappoint Joseph Sr, who's eye was on Jr. for political success, Kennedy was elected a seat in the House of Representatives in 1946 by a wide margin. Following this, he was elected to the US Senate in 1952, defeating incumbent Henry Lodge Jr. with a machete wielded by his teeth. We'd show you a picture, but you'd shit yourself. Not one to look bad to the nation, he met his wife, Jackie Onassis (a notably hot addition to an otherwise not-hot line of American First-Ladies)

On November 8th, 1960 JFK was elected president after defeating Richard Nixon in what was considered a tight battle by those who didn't own a television. JFK historically was the first President to use the new-fangled-picture-box as a medium to draw crowds. While Nixon debated without even shaving that morning, JFK appeared in camera-make-up, appeared confident, and became a sex-symbol to the newly 18-year old voting populace.

In what could be seen at his lowest point (still higher than anything you've done, I assure you), in 1961 JFK sent 1,500 Cuban-trained exiles back to Cuba in an effort to shove an M80 up Fidel Castro's ass (citation needed). Sounds like a plan, right? The USA is good at military operations, most of the time. Then again, most of the time, aforementioned military operations have air-support. After this blew up in the faces of 311 men, the remaining 1,189 were captured and ransomed back to the USA for $53 million dollars worth of food and supplies. The incident became known as the Bay of Pigs Invasion, regardless of the lack of pigs involved.

Happy Birthday, Mr. President

On May 19, 1962, JFK has arguably the best day of his life: Marilyn Monroe sang the now infamous 'Happy-Birthday Mr President' in a dress that can only be described as holyfuckthat'sbangin', and a voice that would make the most practiced telephone-pornstar take notes. JFK approached the stage and responded "I can now retire from politics after having had Happy Birthday sung to me in such a sweet, wholesome way." This sarcastic thank you started a rumor (don't worry Jack, we got your back on this) that he had an ongoing affair with Ms. Monroe. Allegedly.

Riiiight.

Assassination/Shitstorm

This all preceded a relatively short spiral down hill in a clusterfuck of events. Probably because God thought the Book of Job might have been a little too outdated.

Despite her (ahem) health, Marilyn Monroe died in August of the same year she delivered the sexiest present any President has ever recieved.Many believed it to be a conspiracy related to JFK and the FBI. The following year, JFK was happily riding in a convertible with the top down, waving at his loving and adoring citizens, when Lee Harvey Oswald took four shots from the sixth floor of a book depository (We think this is some fancy word for 'library'). JFK was mortally wounded and declared dead at the hospital only half an hour later from a a gun-shot to the head. Two days later, Lee Harvey Oswald himself was shot in transfer from county to state prison. How's that for karma?

The assassination itself has provoked many a nerd to look into what had all the markings of a conspiracy: a handsome young president at the forefront of the Civil Rights movement, the blonde-bombshell mistress being offed only a year before, the FBI, the killer being killed two days after the fact, and oh, did we mention his brother suffered two assassination attempts (with only the second succeeding. Obviously.) To date, the 'who killed Kennedy' conspiracy is still among the most widely researched and talked about conspiracies.

We here at Cracked are content to believe that President Kennedy had simply (and logically) slept with Oswald's girlfriend, pissing him off. While this scenario probably happened a number of times, Oswald was driven over the edge when his girlfriend responded to the allegation: "Honey...It's fucking John F. Kennedy. You'd fuck him too."