Kingdom Hearts 2

The awesome RPG game that infuses your childhood Disney characters with Square Enix characters and style of game.

The Key blade is unfortunately NOT his penis.

Just The Facts

  1. Kingdom Hearts was created by a collaboration of Disney, Square Enix and Awesomeness.
  2. You play the main character who manages to kick loads of ass with a huge key called the keyblade.
  3. The main games for this franchise came out on the Playstation 2, the best selling console to date.
  4. Most of the characters were voiced by noteworthy stars, Sora by Haley Joel Osment (the 6th sense), Roxas by Jesse McCartney and Kairi by Hayden Panettiere (the Heroes cheerleader).

Birth by awesome

Walt Disney ( the undead fascist) very soon realised that his gaming empire would very soon crumble without the market share of the elder more prominent gamers, so he did what any entertainment industry leader would do in a time of need, look to Japan. Square Enix's leader, Samurai war lord Futugi sama something-you-really-won't-remember, met Walt in an ancient shrine atop Mt Fuji. After serious discussion and talks (and probably epic battles), they realised that a unity would be beneficial. So the samurai Lord allowed him to have rights to Japan's second biggest export, final fantasy (the first being hentai and other assorted tentacle shit).

This is an artists rendition of how the meeting probably went about:

What the game is about

Basically a child is living on a tropical island with two of his greatest friends, when all of a sudden the island gets swallowed in darkness, and you (the child aka sora) become the chosen wielder of the keyblade. Then you end up meeting Donald Duck and Goofey, who are themselves on a quest to find the king, yup, you guessed it, Mickey Mouse. They then join forces and go around to different planets in there world in a ship made out of gummi blocks, what i can only assume to be some sort of melted form of gummi bears formed into blocks. Each world is based around a Disney movie, including Alice in Wonderland, Tarzan, Aladdin, Hercules and others. You get to talk to the main character and try to help solve there problems, which are basically caused by heartless, the main villains in this game.

As Sora, your job is to go around each world, trying to destroy the heartless and lock the world with your keyblade, thus preventing the heartless from doing more damage or something like that. What this all translates into is a whole lot of whoop ass with a giant key, loads of magical skills earned, loads of Disney characters met and a heap of dead heartless critters. Often you'll end up battling the main villains of famous Disney movies, like Jafar or Hades, since they're all consumed by heartless.

Flaws in the game

This game pretty much hits the nail on the head with racism, the main villains in the game, the heartless, are black. Literally all of them are black. The game is basically saying to the general public that black people don't have hearts. I don't know how they could have allowed a game like this to pass. What happened to black is beautiful. The only possible answer to this would be that Walt Disney is an undead fascist AND a racist. The hearless version of Sora is basically a black version of Sora:.The heartless version of sora is basically a black version of Sora.

Another obvious flaw is the fact that he's kicking ass with a damn key, a key. I don't care if you add "blade" to the end of it, its still a damn key. Running into battle with a damn key won't exactly scare your opponents into submission.

I just realised that this article was about kingdom hearts 2, now I've got a page full of info on KH in general, and i'm not bothered changing it. SUCK IT cracked.