Xenia Onatopp

Xenia Onatopp is an operative of Janus who gets sexual kicks out of killing people. She first appeared in Goldeneye, the first James Bond movie to feature Pierce Brosnan.

She really is Onatopp of things

Just The Facts

  1. Xenia Onatopp continues the ancient tradition of the Bond girl having a clever double entendre for a name
  2. She discontinues the tradition of the Bond girl not having an orgasm on-screen
  3. Her thighs can break you
  4. She always did enjoy a good squeeze


You're an important international diplomat, on an important international diplomtic trip. You're also an unattractive middle aged man with a pot-belly, so it's not like you've got any action lately.

(By "action", I mean "sex")

In the ballroom of a ritzy establishment, you and your fancy acquaintances are busy being introduced to all sorts of important people while you stuff your face with beluga caviar and wine worth more than a small country. No one you meet seems terribly interesting, nor are they interested in you, until one hot broad approaches you and subtly hints that she would like to get all kinds of nasty in the nearest stairwell.

Hot Broad: "Let's get all kinds of nasty in the nearest stairwell."

Hot Broad: "Let's get all kinds of nasty in the nearest stairwell."

You bring her back to your hotel room, and your clothes immediately find themselves on the floor. She throws you onto the bed, and you start to show her some hairy middle-aged lovin'. Okay, she's a little physical, which is fine. No big deal. You're pretty sure that people won't notice the bruises at the important diplomatic meeting tomorrow.

Then you start to notice that she's biting and scratching you, which is odd. You're okay with that. No big deal. You always wanted to try something new, even if it does result in extensive scarring. Martha probably won't even notice when you get home. I mean, she's a woman, right? What do they know?

She wraps her legs around your waist. Hey, this feels pretty good. It's a heck of a lot better than having your eyes scratched and your head repeatedly slammed against the nightstand. The less scars you have, the less people will question what you've really been doing on Tuesday nights when you said you've been lawn bowling at the local club. It will definitely save having to lie to your wife again, which lately.....has been happening.....on a more.....regular..................are you being suffocated?!?!?

So you're being suffocated by a hot pair of thighs. Okay, this is a strange fetish. You look up and tell her that you can't breathe, to which she only smiles and presses harder. As the last of your life is being squeezed out of you, you can't help but notice that she has reached her climax just before you slip out of consciousness. You've been struck by a smooth-legged criminal.

Xenia Onatopp: Steel Thighed Assassin

Born in Georgia, Xenia Onatopp was a pilot in the Red Air Force. Sometime after the collapse of the USSR, she met Sean Bean and joined Janus, his merry fellowship of criminals, where she specialized in flying helicopters and killing people by violent sex.

Snu Snu

Much like X-Men's Jean Grey, Onatopp possesses powerful superhuman abilities, making her a dangerous adversary. Unlike Jean Grey, she doesn't have the shitty-ass power of dying a lot. Instead, she has the power of thighs that can crush The Terminator.


Cyclops: "If only she had the power of really strong thighs instead!"

Besides her legs, she is famous for being sexually aroused when killing people. Naturally, she combined the two and started killing people with her thighs during sex. James Bond is the only man known to have escaped her Adductors of Death. She died the most ironic death in Cuba when Bond shot down a helicopter she was tied to. The falling chopper pulled her into the crotch of a tree and she was crushed by her harness, leading to another cringe inducing quip from Bond.

Other Applications for Xenia Onatopp's Thighs

  1. Compressing luggage so you can close your suitcase
  2. Gripping the lids of pasta sauce for easy opening
  3. Cracking open walnuts - the hottest way to eat walnuts
  4. Sex
  5. Holding pieces of Ikea furniture together while you screw them (the furniture and the lady)
  6. Squeezing the last of your toothpaste from the tube
  7. Crushing cubes of trash like a leggy Wall-E
  8. Turning lumps of coal from Santa (she's been a bad, bad, girl) into diamonds
  9. Clamping the Alien Queen so you can throw it out of the airlock
  10. .........ANYTHING!