5 Most Bullshit Ways To Win An RTS

Five lame-ass ways to to win something you don't know exists but you'll want it when you do!

Just The Facts

  1. When entering contests to win something, it's a good idea to know what the prize is.
  2. Failure to do so can result in becoming a mail-order bride, being fucked by a bear, or worse.
  3. There's probably some crazy, obsessed person who wants "whatever-the-hell-it-is" more than you.

First, What the hell is an RTS?

In researching for this article, I found there are many possibilities for what RTS could mean, including Reliable Tax Service, Ripon Taxi Station, Regression Test Selection, Revised Trauma Score, Rothmund-Thomson Syndrome, and so on... Most of those are things your average non-weirdo would prefer not to win.


Uh, no thanks. What's second place?

After digging through a lot of "Do Not Want!!, I was forced to conclude that RTS must mean Raunchy Tyrannosaurus Statue because, given enough space to display it, that actually sounds sort of cool.

Put your pants on Brittany, this is getting ridiculous.

Rather than get into the psychology of why in the hell you would want to own that, or who in the hell has a contest and offers that as a prize, we will just list the most bullshit ways of winning one.

#5. Eating a 5 Gallon Bucket of Wasabi in One Sitting - First

There is nothing in the world that is worth having enough to eat that much wasabi. Though it might sound like a good idea at the time, "I'm drunk, I can eat fire, and I want a tyranna-fucking-saurus statue." Trust me on this one, the level of asshole abuse the next morning is worse than the worst hangover ever (including the time you drank a bunch of shots called "head-aik-joose").

This was scooped with an excavator

Even if you do win, there's going to be a lot of people with fiery assholes who are not happy with you and people in that situation tend to be a little more cranky than normal. You might find yourself hiding in a closet wishing that the mob would toilet paper your house so you'd have something to clean up "the most unholy, burning mess" in the yard.

#4. Faking Your Own Death

Who thinks up these contests?

Faking your own death is usually only a good idea if you think that cops are after you. If you are not being hunted down by a police agency you risk ending up like Bennie Wint. He's the poor bastard who threw away his life and spent 20 years on the run for nothing! At least you, savvy contest winner, would have a tyrannosaurus to show for it but your life's gotta suck pretty bad to make it worth it. You wouldn't be able to go show any of your friends, "Hey, look what I won!" or you'd risk prison for fraud and stuff.

Another point to consider, how pissed would you be to take second place in that contest - or third... As winner, you'd have a bunch of people hunting you down who have nothing to lose and there'd be no one to help you and that big-ass statue would probably be impossible to carry by yourself.

#3. Narrowly Avoiding Water Intoxication

Remember "Hold your wee for a Wii?" How about "Drink some more for a dinosaur." Why is this a bullshit way to win you may ask? Recall that the woman who died in the Wii contest was trying to win the video game system for her three children. One might say that she participated knowing the risks but she must have been pretty determined to win the prize if she drank enough to get all death-y. Could you live with yourself after winning that awesome statue knowing that the only reason you won is because you didn't die first? How about those poor little children? You know even more awesome than having a T-Rex statue?

Having your parents. Yeah, I hope you sleep well tonight, winner.

It might require some thought

Don't take so long to choose, kid

#2. Dumb Luck

You know the feeling you get when you work really hard and you enter a contest or something being certain that you can't possibly lose because you've been practicing whatever for like a million hours; but then some dumbass who has no idea what they're doing comes along and wins effortlessly by what must be an accident? Yeah, that.

Or you're in love with a beautiful girl and you stalk, er, spend months getting to know everything about her and then you find out she's marrying this guy:


I get the girl, the T-rex, and I think I peed a little.

It's the "doesn't deserve to win phenomena" like rich people who win the lottery, it's not fair, dammit, they didn't earn it! In this situation, the losers are left with nothing but the hope that eventually karma will kick in and the person will fall into such hard times that they are forced to pawn the raunchy tyrannosaurus statue at the nearest pawn shop where it can be bought for fairly cheap by the person who DESERVED it in the first place.

#1. Having the RTS Surrendered Unconditionally to Your Fake Army

If I were in one of the German battalions that surrendered to the Allied forces of Operation Fortitude and had to also give up ownership of my super bad-ass, raunchy tyrannosaurus statue to an army that I found out was fucking inflatable, I'd be so pissed! That trickery is the ultimate in bullshit-shenanigans.

If we'd shot at that even ONCE we'd still have our T-Rex Statue... FUUUUUCK!

However, if I had been a member of any of those allied forces, I'd have to say "Fuck yeah, I have your statue, bitches!" and that would actually be pretty cool.