Victoria's Secret Angels

The most beautiful women in the world, ever.

Sweet mother of mercy.

Just The Facts

  1. They will never, ever date you. Ever.
  2. Some of the highest paid supermodels in the world. Heidi Klum, Tyra Banks, and Gisele Bundchen were former angels. You can't date them either.
  3. Hot as hell. Wait. Heaven? They're supposed to be angels. You get the idea.

Cracked on Victoria's Secret Angels

Holy shit.

Holy fucking shit.



For the few of you who have girlfriends out there, you probably know what Victoria's Secret is. You also know that you secretly lust over the women in the magazine that you get every two goddamn days. These women are the Victoria's Secret Angels, and this topic is here so you know who to scream for in the bathroom when your girlfriend(or mother) is out of town.

The Angels

You probably know some of their names already. Or their chests.

Doutzen Kroes

Dutch sex pot. Model since 2008. 5th highest paid model in the world.

Age: 24

Height: 5'10

Measurements: 35-24-35

Miranda Kerr

Australian. Model since 2007. Dating Orlando Bloom.


Age: 26

Height: 5'9

Measurements: 32-24-34

Adriana Lima

More titties!

Brazilian Babe #1. Model since 2000. Probably one of the only ones you know the name of on this list.

Age: 28

Height: 5'10

Measurements: 35-24-35

Alessandra Ambrosio

Brazilian Babe #2. Model since .. who cares?

Rambo smokes smurfs. Dicks enjoy peanut butter. It doesn't really matter what I put here, since no one is going to read it, unless they're not sexually active, gay, or female. Anyway, the poster girl for Victoria's Secret.

Age: 28

Height: 5'10

Measurements: 34-23-34

Marisa Miller

You go, America.

All-American sexy. She's the one on the cover for the famed Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue a few years running.

The oldest current Angel aside from Heidi Klum, it appears as though her bod is rockin' enough to keep her going in this carreer.

Age: 31

Height: 5'8

Measurements: 34-23-35

Behati Prinsloo

Age: 20

Height: 5'10

Measurements: 32-25-34

Namibian. Model since 2009. The youngest Angel. Cute.

Behati is the face of the sub brand, PINK, targeted at college girls. Most of the cup sizes go into negative chest. However, the colors are bright, which totally makes up for the lack of boob, right? According to marketing, that's how it works. PINK tells 13 year olds it's okay to wear thongs.

And no, PINK does not stand for anything. They just fucking want capital letters.

What They're Known For

What the hell do you think?

The Fashion Show

Annually, there is the Free-Pornathon known as the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, showcasing the beauty of each model, how much fucking money this company is willing to put to waste, and a self proclaimed "celebration of women". Women in this case being the greatest visions of beauty in the world.

Pictured: not a woman

It is attended by celebrities and billionaires pretty much exclusively, unless you're one of the 50 fans screaming like harpies and waving glo-sticks around. So play some mood music, turn off the volume, sit back, and watch scorching hot women in small amounts of fabric and wings walk around for an hour or so. It's the least you could do.