2009 was a year of anticipation, when the world let out a collective sigh under the promise of a new, better decade. In its wake are the omens of what's to come, silent heralds of a new, shitty age.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen violates its audience and proves to be the worst collective human accomplishment since neo-druidism. It takes in 800 million dollars at the box office.
Year One stars Michael Cera as an awkward-yet-charming caveman and Jack Black as a crass-but-charming caveman. Breakthrough performances all around.
Confessions of a Shopaholic is released, ends up being exactly what it sounds like.
The Twilight Saga: New Moon manages to turn statuatory rape, suicide, and images of this guy nearly nude into a successful marketing campaign.
Dollhouse airs, and is one of the most original, thought-provoking science fiction series to come out in years, expertly showcasing creator Joss Whedon's intuitive grasp on human emotion and the moral implications of fantasy fiction... sorry, was writing up the Best of 2009 and got confused. Let's see if we can find something relevant here... oh yes, Fox cancels Dollhouse.
Christian Slater's newest show, The Forgotten, is quickly forgotten. Being formulaic, boring and mind-numbing, it's picked up for a full season.
Trauma, a show about young, sexy people working at a young, sexy hospital, is mercifully axed with a young, sexy blade.
Lady Gaga bursts into the mainstream scene, is annoying, then oddly tolerable, then oddly annoying again. She wore a dress made of Kermit the Frog. Many terrible parodies of her music are attempted, but none can quite live up to the absurdity of the source material.
Kanye West does the single most awesome thing ever done at an awards ceremony, then apologizes the next day with his tail between his legs. As a result, things like this happen.
Now that children are safe, it becomes okay to appreciate Michael Jackson again. The King of Pop becomes the King of Stop as a new marketing campaign milks every drop from his likeness. Take that image home with you.
In other news, holy shit