Champagne is a bubbly wine invented by the French and bastardized by the rap industry.

Just The Facts

  1. Champagne, like most great things, was discovered by accident.
  2. It is legally only produced in one part of France, everything else is shit, er, "sparkling wine"
  3. Champagne is more effective than tequila when it comes to removing clothes from women

Cracked on Champagne

Champagne is proof that sometimes, a fuck-up has unexpected benefits. It, ironically, was first made by monks, and ever since has been used in concert with large groups and/or food to help every other man get into women's pants. Champagne is made with white wine and yeast, and is significantly more high-class than the retarded white wine and club soda "Spritzer".

The Spritzer: If you can't afford champagne and don't mind chlamydia.

Champagne is for people with refined tastes, and is often accompanied with gourmet food, completing the image that you are a privileged douche who should fucking die refined, upper-class citizen. Champagne's effervescence cleanses the palate, making food more enjoyable. And that last sentence makes the author look like a pretentious cock, while we're using similes.

Champagne and gourmet food.

Artist's rendering of the author

Champagne was first used to celebrate victory at a sporting event back in 1967 in France, surprisingly meaning that the French and not Americans were the first to use this delicious beverage for something other than trying to get laid, probably because the people celebrating were most likely going to get laid anyway.

Champagne's History of Violence

Nothing as great as bubbly sex-juice makes it as far as it has without someone getting hurt.

Champagne Riots

In the early 1900s, a louse (the bug) managed to destroy thousands of hectares of wine grapes used for making champagne. Now mind you, this was back in the day when there actually were hectares, so losing them was a big deal. (hectares are a kind of bird, right?)

This made the French right-pissed because there was rampant suspicion that grapes from other areas were being used for champagne production, and NO ONE was gonna stand for that bullshit. Incidentally, tell the average beer drinker that their beer came from Wisconsin and not Colorado, and you would be lucky if you got a shrug in response.

At any rate, people completely lost their shit and pushed trucks into rivers and tossing barrels of "fake" champagne into... the river... Houses were ransacked, a city was set on fire. Eventually 40,000 troops were sent in to put a stop to the rioting; mind you this was before France had surrendered to Germany by several decades, so people were still afraid of them.

Sabering Champagne

You can open a champagne bottle with a fucking sword. Do you need to know anything else? No, but we'll tell you anyway. You drag the blade back and forth just below the lip of the bottle (before you open it, obviously), then slide it straight up along the length of the bottle and POW, you cut the head off and its sweet bubbly blood gushes forth.

Why is Champagne the most hardcore alcoholic beverage? One word: EXPLOSIONS

No, even better

We'll start this off with an anecdote; Did you know that back in the 1700's, the guys who turned the bottle of champagne used to wear a catcher's mask made out of iron? Why do you think that is?

Like this, only iron.

Because back then, champagne bottles had a tendency to explode. And not, "Mentos in diet Coke" explode, more like "horrifying chain reaction of death" explosion. Apparently, the bottles were so unstable, that one would go off in the storage cellars where the fermentation took place, and set off a chain reaction of glassy shrapnel that would result in 20-90% of the stock erupting in a bubbly geyser of horror.

We can only imagine how many wine-turners wound up blind or dead before they decided and iron mask was needed.