Ocarina Of Time

You've probably come here expecting to find an article on the game The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Oh but you are sadly mistaken, dear Cracked reader. This is an article on the ocarina...the ocarina of TIME!

Just The Facts

  1. It's blue.
  2. It's shiny.
  3. It was given to Link by Princess Zelda.
  4. Unlike Link, owning one will serve as a repellant for the object of your lustful eye.
  5. Unless it's magic.

So yes, this ocarina you speak of...

This shining blue piece of equipment gives our little elf hero in tights absolute magical power, with massive potential for mindfuckery. It was given to Link by Princess Zelda during his stay in Hyrule. With it, Link can fast-forward time, making it day or night whenever he needs things to not take its sweet-ass time. He can open magical doors, teleport from one area of Hyrule to another, and talk to dancing scarecrows. He can also make it rain and once made one town a potential threat for flooding. He even drove a guy who played a music box (without a monkey, strangely) bat-shit insane because it rained so much.

It's also used in this particular Link's second adventure, TLOZ: Majora's Mask. In this, he used the ocarina to mess with time even more by slowing it down, speeding it up again, speeding it up even more, and going back in time. He's like the Marty McFly of Nintendo.

Created by BentMember

Other "talents" included healing people of their sorrows as well as random broken signs, controlling the minds of cute and tiny animals, and conversing with really tall gods. He talks to dancing scarecrows in this game too, because Link may be mildly psychotic.

Though how the people in Hyrule and beyond manage not to pay attention to his shenanigans is however some insane miracle. It's not like there are other people running around in tight green clothing doing seemingly crazy things.

Oh wait...