Band Geeks

Band Geeks are, as you may remember from your high school days, by far the coolest kids on campus. You can spot them from afar ruling the student body with an iron fist while trying to sort out which parties they will be able to grace with their pres

The woodwinds, or better know as, the section who is just faking it

At least the trombones aren't attacking each other...this time

Just The Facts

  1. These people say, One time at band camp, and mean it
  2. They are all crazy loons who mate with each other like rabbits and have great breath support

Sections

Flutes- Flutes are shy timid players who are mostly girls. The flute is perfect for these girls because much like their quite voices you can't hear this instrument. Unfortunately when you get to know flautists they are either insane or a bitch. Or worst; both!

Piccolo- Piccolo players are really just a subspecies of flutes except they are evil and enjoy causing other's ears to bleed with their high-pitched instrument.

Clarinet- Clarinet players, like flutes seem shy at first, but watch out, turn your back on them and they will go crazy ultra ninja on you and start writing dirty messages on their sheet music. You may know it as the instrument that sounds like a car horn. Famous players are Benny Goodman, Woody Allen and Squidward.

Bass Clarinet- The bass clarinet is like the B flat clarinet but on steroids. They tend to be less shy and more crazy ultra ninja. They enjoy long walks on the beach, snuggling with their cats, and dancing around the band room like idiots.

Saxophones- The three most common types of saxophones are Baritone, Tenor, and Alto. Despite their differences saxophones of all kinds have the same personality; cool and laid back. They enjoy calling their instruments sexophones. While looking up famous saxophone players I realized the only way to actually be good at the saxophone is to be black. That is Kenny G's one fatal flaw.

Trumpets- Trumpets are obnoxious. They think they rule the band, and because most melodies go to either trumpets or clarinets they are usually right. Their favorite past time is drowning out the woodwinds which actually seems to be a past time of all brass players.

Trombones- Trombones are the nut jobs of the brass section. They like to call their instrument boners, stick them down their pants and ask people to touch them. They absolutely love horn swings especially trombone suicides. In just this past marching band season there have been 8923 trombone related injuries and 72.3 deaths [citation needed].

Tubas/Sousaphones- Tubas/Sousaphones are strange. They are kind of laid back but also just don't care. Perhaps it is because their instrument is so heavy and they have lost the will to live.

Percussion- Oh God, the band geeks have gone ape shit! Oh wait; it's just the drummers. Picture your favorite band. Now picture their drummer. That is what the typically band geek drummer is like except he doesn't get laid that often. Percussionists are menacing troublemakers who like to purposely play off beat and complain that during concert season they are not allowed to sit. There is a strange phenomenon where most of them are named Nick.

Drug Majors- In marching band drum majors have all the power. They are on top and lead/direct the band. Cross them and they have the power to make you march in your underwear. There are usually two drum majors, a senior and a junior, but sometimes a third sophomore is added. A good balance is a laid back/funny person and a serious person. Granted the serious one usually gets tarred and feathered during the off-season.

Flag Corps- You may be wondering, what is the appeal to a marching band? What makes some flashy? While in most TV school dramas cheerleaders are the desired ladies in the kingdom of band geekiness everyone wants a flag corps girl. The job of these girls is to twirl flags and look pretty. Only in the world of band geeks can you find girls these pretty with geeks like the ones aforementioned.

Types of Bands

Marching Bad- Normal geeks spend their summers hidden in their basement playing Dungeon and Dragons or watching The Dark Knight the 27th time. And while many band geeks probably spend their days off doing that most days of the summer are spend in the burning sun learning their new halftime routine, one roll step at a time. Sometimes they get epic music like something originally composed by John Williams. Other times they music that sucks. But no matter what all band geeks are thinking the same thing, "Why the Hell am I doing this?"

The answer is that half time shows, if done right, can be freaking amazing. All that blood, sweat, and vomit (we don't cry, we throw up!) is worth the sound of a crowd cheering. But then a band geek must face the realities that their school football team sucks and didn't make the play offs. In fact, the only game those losers won was against the preppy all girl school with no team, and even that was close. So the games end and the parades begin.

Parades- Parades are long and cold. The key to keeping your fingers (and playing ability) is gloves. Unfortunately for them those stupid clarinet players chose an instrument with opened keys. Haha! Losers! They can't wear gloves, unless they wear hobo gloves, which would kind of make them cooler than everybody else. Damn!

Concert Band- Concert band tests one ability to not play obnoxiously loud. It features sweet songs with lovely melodies and you can even hear the woodwinds. Players are divided into three groups.

1st- Who are really good

2nd- Who are decent

3rd- Who should just go fall into a large pit and scream for an eternity, or at least until they can learn to tune.

While the key to marching band is blowing really hard (hehe, blowing) the key to concert band is balance. Think of the food pyramid. At the bottom is the tuba and euphonium. You want the most of these groups. The trombones are like fruits ('cause their fruity!) and the low woodwinds (sax and bass clarinet) are veggies. You want to hear them, at least 3-5 servings of them daily! Moving up we have trumpets as meat and protein (well that sounds like an egg-cellent idea. I'm sorry!). The clarinets are dairy. You want 2-4 servings of each group. They usually hold the melodies, but don't let them completely over power the band (sometimes trumpets are prone to doing). And then at the top are our sweets (flutes and piccolos). They are so sweet, sweet as diabetes. Seriously! Listen to a piccolo long enough and see if you ears begin to bleed (they will).

Jazz Band

You may think jazz band members would be the kool kats of the band. After all, they're swingin'! But in reality they are the geekiest. They chose to go above and beyond the normal concert band and usual marching band requirement. While learning a new style of music they must commit more time for rehearsal and practice. Since these are some of the best players in the band jazz band is usually one of the best bands at the band concert. And one of the nerdest!

Terminology

Blowing
Tonguing
Boner
Slurring
Fingering