Ah, sweet wine. The drink of choice for people who have never heard of beer, spirits or yak piss. From the mightiest king to the lowliest hobo, wine is something we can all enjoy in a responsible manner. Or, you know, till we puke bright red.
Nobody knows who came up with the idea to make wine when beer was already available, but it is widely speculated that it was the same guy who came up with tofu and the smoking ban.
Archeological evidence suggests that this guy ruined everything
Wine is an alcoholic beverage that is made when crushed grapes are fermented with different kinds of yeast. The yeast consumes the natural sugars in the grapes and converts them into alcohol, proving once again the old adage that yeast is a man's best friend.
Different varieties of wine are produced depending on the specific kinds of grapes and yeast used. The most popular variety of wine is beer.
Waiter! My beer is red and inferior!
Archeological evidence suggest that the earliest evidence of wine fermentation was in Georgia and Iran, though certain investigations believed that the chinese were fermenting rice wine in 7000BC, proving once again that those crafty chinese are always one step ahead...
There was no evidence of wine fermentation in Europe until 4500BC, where it was very popular in ancient Greece. Popular to the point that the consumption of wine has become inexorably linked with buggery.
Wine is believed to have been invented in 6000BC- a full three thousand years after beer.
Fuck knows. WE ALREADY HAD BEER.
Perhaps because of the commonality of beer, or because certain wines are loaded with implied value, there are many who think that wine is the classier beverage of choice. They may be right. After all, wines of a particular vintage and drinking window plateau can sell for very high amounts, and especially rare wines can sell for up to 275,000 dollars (To put it in context, that's roughly 300,000 cans of moderately priced lager). However, you can also buy bottles of extremely cheap, high-strength wine in copious amounts from any common liquor store. So, while wine might be the alcoholic beverage of choice for monocle wearing money havers, it is also the favored winter warmer for that crazy guy at the bottom of the street who sleeps in a box and calls everyone 'shitdog'.
Feel the sophistication
Also, wine is one of the few beverages that can be sold by the box or bag. I defy anyone to look classy drinking out of a bag.
What's that kid doing? That's weird...
In Europe wine drinking is acceptable at a much younger age
-Wine typically comes in two main distinctions; white and red
-One of these distinctions is white, and the other red.
-You can also get rose' which is what happens if you mix red and white up in a bucket.
-European wine varieties tend to be identified by region, while non-European wines are identified by grape type.
-Varieties of Wino can be identified by their fingerprints.
-Fortified wine is wine mixed with stuff that a man might drink.
-Sparkling wine was invented by Benedictine Monks in the abbey of Saint Hilaire in 1531, when they realized that wine might be better if it were more like beer.
-Types of grape are merlot, pinot, chardonnay and frodo.
-Popular wine producing regions are champagne, burgundy, bordeaux and pete sampras.
-If you're still reading this then you either know nothing about wine or everything about wine.
-If you know everything about wine you don't need to read this list.
-If you know nothing about wine then you don't need to read this list.
-You don't need to read this list.
-Wine is used in christianity and judaism to try and make religion seem less boring.
-The least boring religion in the world was viking, who believed primarily in beer and heavy metal. And not wine.
"No thank you, just a beer for me"
The art of wine tasters has been a guiding star to connoisseur and amateurs alike when it comes to fully appreciating your purchased wine. How else, but through gentle study, can you fully appreciate the subtle hints of flavor? How else, but through full sensory exploration, could you detect the underlying intricacies?
Wine tasters have taken the hand of wine lovers everywhere to guide them, selflessly, through the rich, varied universe of wine. If not for them, many questions would go unanswered; should you let your wine breath? What meal should you serve it with? Should you, god forbid, use a decanter?
Without the careful, sophisticated, almost zen-like art of carefully tasting something that you are about to drink anyway, we...we...jesus...jesus, I can't even finish that sentence JUST FUCKING DRINK IT YOU SHITDOGS!
More and more people are looking to wine as an investment that remains unchanged by economic factors. But tread carefully friend, the world of wine purchasing is full of pitfalls. You must arm yourself with knowledge before you financially commit. There are various factors you have to take into consideration before purchasing a wine- not just the quality of its production. I could take you through these facts, every single one. I'm not going to, though. Instead I am going to condense the entire spectrum of wine collecting knowledge into one simple statement:
For every cent over twenty dollars you spend on a bottle of wine, a frenchman laughs at you. Laughs. At. You.