Locks
God created the world, with things in it. Then God created Man, to have those things. Then Man created theft, because Man s a douchebag. And thus locks were created.
Just The Facts
- If it is locked, you are not to touch it.
- You do not know how to open a masterlock. You just don’t.
- Seriously, you look like a jackass, clicking it under your ear. You’re not fooling anyone
- At Cracked, the locks are designed to keep the women out. They disturb the writing process. Not because of the child-prostitution thing at all.
Mechanism
As seen above, locks are really complex. Except when they aren't. A lock is pretty much anything that is used to keep person B from fucking with person A's cocaine stash. This means that it can be as complex as Mr. Fuck-You's up there, or as simple as a heavy bar across the inside of a door. As man evolved, he found that other men were becoming a bit too clever to be dissuaded by a sapling on some hooks, so he came up with all sorts of ingenious mechanisms to make sure that his precious porn collection would bring joy and wet spots to nobody but him. The basic mechanism of a lock is thus:
a. Key inserted into lock (Think sex. No, not that kind of sex. No gimp suits required)
b. Teeth of key push against metal obstructions (You bastard, you're not even paying attention, are you?
c. The moving of the obstructions by the key triggers an unlocking sequence, which allows you to open the door and access the precious contents of your safe, which is likely to be four dollars, pocket lint, and used porn. (Fuck you guy. I worked hard copying this from Wikipedia. Put down your joint and reread this fucking thing)
History
Locks were invented by the rich to keep the poor in their place. This occurred simulataneously in Greece, Rome, and Egypt. Yes, that's right; there is a secret cabal of wealthy Mediterranean people who have, for millennia, conspired against you, the poor man. That's right tiger; go burn down some McMansions in the name of the working class!
