Festivus

Festivus is an annual December 23rd celebration for "the rest of us". If you're tired of the over-commercialization of {insert December holiday here}, give Festivus a try.&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf

Festivus: the backstory

Festivus is the anti-commercialization holiday celebration that was created in the 1960's... or in the 1990's, depending on whichever backstory you believe. It was born out of a desire to express one's true frustration about the holidays, mostly as a result of having to fight strangers over toys when Christmas shopping. Since the 1990's, it has been typically celebrated on December 23rd, but it can be held any day of the year.

Festivus gained international popularity when an episode of Seinfeld featured the Costanza family having a Festivus celebration. It's now celebrated all over the world wherever Seinfeld episodes are rerun. Zimbabwe just got TBS, so they'll be on board soon.

"Okay, I have a pole... what's that, Nbutu? Kramer called us WHAT?!"

Festivus is incredible because it's a holiday entirely devoted to stress release, and there's no pretentious ceremony or insane expense to it. Almost anyone can throw a Festivus celebration with nothing more than common household items, and a deep reserve of real grudges.

So, if you have a job, children, or any other soul-crushing responsibilities, Festivus is like a giant release valve on the churning sewage treatment plant that is your life.

Just in case you're not sure if Festivus is right for you, review the chart below to see if you are eligible to celebrate Festivus.

The Festivus Pole

Just as Christmas has a tree, Hannukah has the menorah, and Kwanzaa has robots, Festivus has a pole.

The Festivus Pole is traditionally made of aluminum, although it can be substituted for any type of thin, cylindrical-shaped object. As it should be, size is not important.

Expecting a dick joke, weren't you?

The Festivus pole can be placed in a flower pot or any other object that can hold it upright. Do not decorate the pole; according to legend, Frank Costanza strongly believed that tinsel and other adornments are distracting. You can dance around it, beat someone with it, ignore it completely, whatever. That's all part of the beauty of Festivus- nobody cares.

The Festivus Dinner

Whatever's sitting in your pantry and rotting in your fridge is more than elegant enough for the Festivus meal. Want to have a Festivus meal with stale crackers, expired Cheez Whiz, and 5 year old leftover Halloween candy? Go for it.

The most important part of the Festivus dinner is not the food; it's the annual tradition of the Airing of Grievances. The head of the household expresses how the world has let him or her down over the past year, specifically their family members.

"Cindy, you ruined my campaign by being an airhead... what're you laughin' at, fatty?"

The Feats of Strength

Festivus concludes with The Feats of Strength. The head of the household challenges someone in the household to a wrestling match. Festivus does not end until the head of the household can be pinned. To be fair, this could also qualify as a Christmas event when too much liquor and excess testosterone meet up.

By the way- our money's on your Uncle Jack this year. He's been working out.

"AARGGHHH!"

Festivus Miracles

Holiday celebrations are nothing without the observance of miracles. We celebrate the miracle of St. Patrick driving the snakes from Ireland and inventing 5 cent draft every March 17. Every Labor Day, we pause to reflect on the miracle of the union boss, who can still walk using his own power despite the fact he is 500 pounds and lives on chili cheese dogs, cigars, and strippers.

Festivus miracles are easy to find, because they're everywhere. Found some loose change in your couch? It's a Festivus Miracle! STD panel test came back mostly clean- you only got the ones that don't make your dick rot off? Rock on, it's a Festivus Miracle.