Dear Miley Cyrus: Please Retire

A letter to Miley Cyrus as to why I think quitting showbiz is the right thing to do, health-wise.

This CANNOT end well.

Just The Facts

  1. Her real name is Destiny Hope Cyrus
  2. Billy Ray Cyrus is her dad
  3. No, seriously, from "Achy, Breaky Heart"

Dear Miley Cyrus/ Hannah Montana/ Whoever the fuck you are today

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. I appreciate the efforts you have made with your extremely shitty music. I revel in the fact that even my little brother enjoys your horrible TV show, Every. Fucking. Day.

...but seriously, please retire.

By the way, your show is horrible.

The reason why I'm asking this (ever so politely, if you haven't noticed) has nothing to do with the fact that your acting on your show is terrible, or that your generic brand of pop music is shitty, or that you are a money-grubbing attention whore (well, yes it does). It has nothing to do with the fact that your dad on your show is pretty much a stereotypical redneck who does his hair frequently, or that your "brother" on the show is actually 32 (this is actually fucking true, by the way, I looked this up) No, I bring this to your attention because there is a much bigger issue I'm concerned about, and it actually regards your health.

That's right: I'm talking about Split Personality Disorder.

It's like this, but a lot less hilarious.

See, many other people see you being both Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana in the face of the public (even though the point of an "alter-ego" is to conceal one's original identity, instead of exposing it for money) as an excuse to make even more cash with your multi-kajillion dollar empire. They believe it's your way of literally vaccuuming every single dollar out of tweens and parents alike with your crappy show/music/Hannah Montana underwear. However, I see how this really is. You have a problem.